Otters release statement

"We'll get revenge on the Sativa one of these days," Otters manager Whit Altizer said Monday morning in Korea, "Tom Whitt has made his way onto my hit list just below Jory Abel."

2010 Playoffs Begin, Biscuits In by a Thread for a Continental Showdown

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

A collective sigh was heard emanating from Louisiana's capital city this morning as residents awoke to the news that the Biscuits, despite receiving a thorough drumming from top seed Pats, had clinched the final wild card playoff spot. They will face a strong Blue Jays club, still stinging from losing its #2 seed and a 1st round bye in the final week of the regular season. A Bigs expansion team that has caused a huge splash by surprising many around the league with their tenacity and grit, the Jays take the #3 overall seed into the postseason. Despite a weak core of keeper fielders, they stuck to a formula throughout the draft and season, mainly take as many players from Toronto as possible, and it's paid off. The four Jays sluggers on the club have hit over 100 long balls combined and former Blue Jay ace, Roy Halladay leads the league in almost every pitching category. But many Baton Rouge residents have questions about the Blue Jays skipper, Tony Gallant.

Gallant, pictured above in the position he's been for nearly two months, is what many canadians like to refer to as a "Busker." Defined loosely as a type of street performer, entertaining for money, Gallant has until recently been able to juggle his two identities. By day, Gallant worked in the front office and clubhouse, but his true passion began when he put on his tap shoes. Seen below in action with good friend Sid in 2008, Gallant was on top of the world, but that all changed when he took the big league position.

Sources close to the organization purport that a big stipulation from the GM of the Jays was that Gallant give up his "less than honorable" profession. He had worked his way up through the Jays ranks, managing the New Hampshire Fisher Cats for 10 years and most recently the Las Vegas 51's for 2 years. He was called up to the Northside after no one else in the universe wanted to manage the Canadian ball club and despite piecing together a dominant club in 2010, many believe he won't really be whole again till he can dance.

What should be of more concern to the Biscuits than Gallants' tapping shoes are the Blue Jays' bats. The clubs split their regular season matchup, but the confidence from the fans in the Biscuits is waning at best after the only consistence the club has shown all year has been its inconsistency.

The Final Countdown; 2010 Proving to be Dramatic

Baton Rouge-AP

Ippy Nash

With the 2010 playoff race coming into the home stretch, it seems no one's ticket to the postseason is punched yet. Barring a colossal collapse, the current top seed Pats certainly seem headed for the dance. A 1st place seed that looked certain after they reeled off 7 straight victories from before the all-star break is now in jeopardy after the self-proclaimed "karate adult" has lost 3 of his last 4 weeks and is locked in a tie with last place Stevens, who should seriously consider retirement from the Bigs after one of the worst seasons in history.

Pats manager Todd Smith was unable to be reached for comment, but many believe the losing skid and the release of a re-make of the Karate Kid are too close to be coincidence. Smith has never made any attempt to hide the fact that he hated the choice of Jackie Chan for the role of Mr. Miagi saying, "the guy can't even act! I mean, he wouldn't be able to hold Pat's jock." The city of Portland, which has gotten used to a perennial championship contender, hopes Smith can get his hat on straight for what should be an exciting race to the finish.

Our hometown Biscuits seem to want to keep us all in suspense as they dropped consecutive weeks to bottom dwellers, Habeneros and Toes. Many fans and most of the other clubs wrote them off, but they've roared back with 3 straight W's over playoff contenders. They are locked in a see-saw match-up with the Whales this week and hope to solidify a spot in the standings with a big win. Manager Max Bergmann, who reportedly is Sam Kirby, was close to losing his job to ESPN Bobby Valentine until he started managing again this week. Also, Whales GM Sammy Kirbay reportedly was jealous of Valentine's olive complexion and "couldn't bear the sight of that beautiful man day after day with this pasty skin."

If ever any team has backed into the playoffs, it would be the Kia Otters. Questions have been swarming around whether he has lost control of the locker room and Kia executives are considering dropping the team in 2011. It has been rumored that certain things in real life are becoming more of a priority than his fantasy baseball team, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say it is a sad day.

Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds can't seem to find any traction losing three in a row, yet still find themselves in striking distance and facing a joke of a Rousers club this week and a considerably cooled habenero club in the season finale. If they can't find a way into the top 6, it would be a miracle. Habenero manager Justin Brittle however, has made it a personal mission to make sure Abel and the Biscuits make the playoffs, reportedly quoted this weekend saying, "I love Joey Abel more than anything. If the habaneros can't make it, then I want it to be him...oh to be him." Brittle obsession with Abel has been well documented, but to take center stage in a push to the postseason like this is certainly taking it to a new level.

The Morecats have certainly made a strong case for a top seed as they go for their fifth straight win this week. Manager Sam Kirby was reportedly caught by his wife masturbating at the computer to a screen of the current Bigs standings. A bye may be the only thing standing between Kirby and another 1st round exit as Mertcat all-star Carlos Gonzalez is currently sidelined with sore knee. There's no telling what may happen if the Cats continue to choke when it matters.

Biscuits Licking Wounds

AP - Richmond, VA
Sven Chavez

The Biscuits are not returning to Baton Rouge with the highly sought after tomatoes of Hanover County. Rather, they are running as fast as they can back to the tragically oil soaked coasts of Louisiana after their recent drumming to the hands of Hanover's hottest sensation -- the Habaneros. The Habaneros have a penchant of drafting well and then running themselves into the ground before the All-Star break, which they have seemed to do once again this year. But the season is not over yet and it is always nice to win big against a heated rival, especially one that thinks of themselves with such absurd magnificence. Said Manger Brittle after this past week's 11-3 win, "I've always enjoyed biscuits much more with hot sauce. And, boy, did we douse those b#*ches with some hot sauce." One more thing is for sure -- The Bigs better watch out for these hottest of Habaneros, especially if they can welcome back to Hanover some key players off the freakin' DL.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions; Biscuits Rising, Cats Choking

Ippy Nash
Baton Rouge-AP

With the exception of Allen Lawrence and the Stevens, who managed a rare win against the Otters last week despite being 50 games out of first, every team competing in the 2010 season of the Bigs could realistically make the playoffs. The powerful Pats seem to have 1st place in a choke hold, but spots 2 through 8 are separated by only by 8 and a half games. The two bigs expansion teams have opened everyone's eyes by battling there way near the top of the league. In particular, the Sativa made headlines last week when they bounced back from a loss to the Biscuits by giving Sam Kirby and the Marecats an old fashioned trip behind the wood shed to jump up to 4th place.

Kirby's popularity has steadily decreased as he falls in the standings. Many in Martinsville are beginning to wonder what kind of team he'd have without his coveted core of keepers. He has failed to surround them with any talent at all and has relied on Biscuit cast-offs such as Kelly Johnson, Chris Coghlan, and Ricky Nolasco to plug the gaping holes at the plate and on the mound. Besides the Biscuits, who were bested by the Cats twice already this season, Martinsville has not beaten any other team playing .500 baseball. That may say as much about the Biscuits as it does the Cats, but with its last three games against playoff contenders, the Cats may need to figure out some way to play better past the break. Having its next four games against the bottom half of the bigs may be what Sam and the Cats need to back into the playoffs.

The Otters may have the toughest road of anyone in the Bigs in the second half. 6 of their final 7 games are against teams with winning records and losing to the worst team in the league, the aforementioned Stevens, this past week won't make that road any easier. There are whispers around the league that there may be an issue at home that is taking Altizer's attention away from the Otters. Perhaps he should take a page from his wife's book, who manages to give minute to minute status updates on even her most mundane activities, and spend some more time in front of his computer.

The Rousers, who have been perennial powers in the Bigs in the past, are searching for answers after being hammered by the Biscuits this week and falling to 11th place. JP Vinson was quoted, through his wife, following the drumming last week saying, "I don't even care about this stupid league. It's not even real."

The Canadian Jays are enjoying the freedom that comes along with being in America, but may have a tough time holding on the 3rd place. Their remaining schedule is not full of "hosers," which is apparently some sort of insult north of the border.

The Sativa's massacre of the Meercasts went a long way in cementing them into the playoffs. A spot made more secure by the fact that they have a cakewalk of a schedule the rest of the way. If they don't make it in, they should consider never participating in the BIgs ever again out of shame.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions:

The Pats and the Whales look too strong too be knocked out of the top spots and will enjoy a bye in week one of the playoffs. The two expansion teams will hold steady and make it into the postseason, Sativa with the 3rd seed, and the Jays taking the 4th. After that, it gets a little murky. The Biscuits, Otters, and Cats look to slice up the last two spots between them, but Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds my surprise everyone and steal the 6th seed as the darkhorse.

KIRBY AIMS TO PLEASE MEERKAT NATION

Danky Jenkins
Eden, NC
Yahoo Sports


Sam Kirby spoke to a large Meerkat crowd today at the Meerkat Den bar, adjacent to the Hong-Kong Restaurant located in the Patrick Henry Shopping Center in downtown Martinsville. Kirby spoke for about 45 minutes on topics ranging from the farm system to this year’s playoffs



As the security camera video illustrates, he really whipped up the crowd when talking about the Portland Pats. The Meerkats lost a close series last week to bitter enemy Todd Smith and the Portland Pats. Kirby is no stranger to pep talks and he gave one for the ages. Kirby had a lot to say about the Pats. “The Meerkats will NOT go quietly this year, We will NOT be beaten THIS YEAR, We will not be shoved around ANY LONGER, WE WILL give MEERKAT NATION what its been asking for since 06…A CHAMPIONSHIP. The PATS WILL GO DOWN, AND GO DOWN HARD” With that the crowd erupted. Albert Pujols was so amped up that he punched a South Korean soccer fan. The South Korean was immediately rushed to the hospital. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Kirby also touched on the failure of the Boozehounds to capture what they had last year. “Really, Harrison just caught lightning in the bottle, I was as surprised as anyone. The kid can talk a good game, but his [expletive] is whack. He took what was rightfully ours, WE WILL TAKE IT BACK.” Kirby also entertained a quick question and answer period. Questions like: “what do you think about Abel and the Biscuits?” Kirby’s reply “who, ha. No really, Abel is so inept at picking talent that it hurts the league. [Expletive], my staff calls him the Al Davis of the BIGs.”

Other questions ranged from “Are the Otters going to make the playoffs?” “All signs point to doubtful” to “Name one player the Meerkats should acquire before the trade deadline?” “well our faults are obvious, we need to improve our bullpen.” “Who is your biggest competition?” “Ha, well to be honest its us. We are our toughest competition. If we play like I know we can, nobody can beat us. PERIOD.” Again the crowd erupted.

Kirby continued “The startup [expletive] and his team of college dropouts? Ha. Please let Heyward bat .230 against my team. “The other start up in Canada, phfff..dude can’t even speak English.. Richards? Not a chance, no pitching. Altizer-dude has two testicles for a baseball brain, and they’re busying humping each other for a quick high for Altizer to be a competent manager. You ever seen him try and call a hit in run in the 9th? Boy lacks the gumption for the nitty gritty of baseball. Vinson…please he’s so far up his wife’s ass that he doesn’t even know what a double play is.” When asked about Bergmann…”well he scares me, true, but again I don’t see it happening”

Meerkats

A Black Eye For the Commissioner: UPDATE

TMZ reporters once again spotted Bigs commissioner, Sam Kirby, sporting a fresh shiner; this week outside Portland's PGE park. Though he declined an interview, Kirby gave this brief statement:

TMZ: Did you take another wang to the face?

Kirby: No... I wish. I just got my ass kicked by the Pats.

Biscuits Split Road Trip; Fancy only gets one chance

Is Abel better than poor white trash?

Will he live up to his middle name, Fancy?

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

After splitting a 4 week road trip with 4 out of the top 5 teams in the Bigs, the Biscuits are happy to still be in the hunt, and even happier to be coming home to face the floundering Really Stevens. Stevens manger, Allen Lawrence, who was unable to be reached for comment due to the fact that he stopped playing after it was clear on day one that he had the worst team in Bigs history, probably would say, "F*@$ them Biscuits. The only Biscuit worth anything is a soggy one." This however, is only speculation as Mr. Lawrence, as mentioned earlier, has given up and relinquished his nutsack. With just about half of the season played, Lawrence and the Stevens have managed only 1 win, against the racist Rousers, and a tie against Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds.

The Boozehounds, who Biscuits manager Joey Abel thought were managed by Justin Brittle up until a week or two ago, and the Rousers are still in the mix for the Bigs Cup, but it is clear that the Stevens are heading towards a higher losing percentage than the '09 Phillin Phine, which is saying quite a bit.

What isn't clear, is whether or not the Biscuits can play better than .500 baseball. Abel's parents, named him Joseph Fancy for a reason. When reached for comment, Abel's mother, who is pure as the white driven snow, told reporters that she called Abel after the 6-7 loss to the 1st place Pats and told him that, "this was his one chance J Fancy, so don't let me down." It wasn't clear whether she was suggesting Abel use his body and sleep his way to the top, as Andy Harrison did in '09, to take the cup.

One thing is clear, if the Biscuits can string together a few wins, they may find themselves on the outside looking in in 2010

A Black Eye For the Commissioner

Jesse Balls

TMZ

As recently reported, Bigs commissioner and Meerkat manager, Sam Kirby, attended the Washington Nationals game this past Tuesday to scout phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg. Shortly after the game, Kirby was spotted sporting a fresh black eye. When asked by TMZ reporters about how he got the shiner Kirby responded “Uh... um, my wife likes to hit me... she gets pretty aggressive after a few Yuenglings.” Always known more for his brain than his brawn, this seemed like a reasonable answer. By the next morning, however; several eye witness accounts began to arise which disputed Kirby’s story. A fan seated near Kirby, claims he saw Short Pump Sativa manager, Tom Whitt, come down and and talk to Kirby around the 3rd inning. “This crazy red-headed dude was flicking off and yelling shit at Strasburg all game long. I thought Mr. Whitt was coming down to shut him up, but he just shook his hand and sat next to him.” Apparently, the civility ended there, however.

While Strasburg was mowing down Pittsburgh Pirates with uncanny ease, Whitt was seen taunting Kirby and becoming increasingly loud. On several occasions Whitt was heard cursing and even seen thrusting his pelvis with clenched fists towards the now somber commissioner.

Multiple witness accounts say the scene reached its climax just before the 7th inning stretch. “All I know is, I see Mr. Whitt spring from his seat and yell “Did you see that shit!? Fourteen fucking strikeouts! Championship here I come!” The next thing I know the Meerkat guy is rolling on the ground holding his face in his hands” said Nationals fan Archie Simpson.

When TMZ reporters confronted Kirby Wednesday afternoon with this new found evidence, the Meerkat Manager, took a page from Jim Joyce’s playbook and fessed up. “What can I say...” said Kirby, “Whitt got a little too excited about his new pitcher and jabbed me in the eye with his... um, with his “short pump.” Trying to downplay the obviously awkward situation, Kirby added, “look, it’s not the first I’ve been smacked in the face by a penis, and it probably won’t be the last. It’s really not a big deal.”

When asked for comment, Whitt made no apologies. “Can you really blame me?” he said. “Did you see that kid’s fastball? Fucking nasty.” Obviously still brimming with confidence, he added this message to his fellow Bigs managers: “Everyone laughed when I drafted a team of rookies. Well, who’s laughing now bitches.”

The Meerkats and Sativas meet once more – this time on the fantasy ball field – in week 14 of the Bigs 2010 season. For the sake of all the families and children in attendance, let’s hope the crack of wood will only be heard when the players’ bats hit the ball.

Commish Kirby Watches Strasburg Fan 14

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

The Bigs commissioner Sam Kirby made a rare appearance at National Park in Washington DC Tuesday night to watch phenom Stephen Strasburg pitch his first game. In one of the most overt acts of DC gentrification, Kirby and thousands of other white people took over the banks of the Anacostia River to cheer on DC's best arm since Walter Johnson. "I appreciate the Commish's trip," Strasburg's manager Tom Whitt said after the game, "but I don't appreciate Meerkat's manager Kirby's visit."

Kirby was seen making lewd gestures toward Strasburg between innings, a tact that Kirby often takes when recruiting new talent. "It's weird but it works," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison said, "Kirby signed Matt Holliday after miming a blow job."

Despite Kirby's advances, Strasburg had a big outing for the Sativa. "We're real proud of him," manger Tom Whitt said , "but now that he is a veteran it is time to put him on the trading block."

Biscuits Not Satisfied at .500

Altizer, seen above on a South Korean billboard may be focusing too much on his abs, and not on the Otters

Associated Press

Ippy Nash

Baton Rouge - To his wife's dismay, Kia Otters manager Whit Altizer's modeling career in South Korea is taking off. Unfortunately, that success is not translating to the baseball field. Despite having the best offensive week of their lives, the Otters could not manage to hold off the Biscuits and fell all the way to 9th place. For the Biscuits and their manager, Joey Abel, this could be exactly what Baton Rouge needs to right the ship after a rocky start to the 2010 season.

Abel has made no secret of his theory that major league baseball starts and stops with the Biscuits, whom he believes are responsible for real-life players' ups and downs. It is hard to ignore the fact that despite being tops in almost all offensive categories and in many pitching stats, Abel and the Biscuits sit only at .500. I suppose that would be a welcome record for bottom feeding teams such as the Stevens, habaneros, and the Otters. Habaneros skipper Justin Brittle was quoted as saying, "I'd give my great buddy Joey Abel a handskey to be at .500 right now." This may not be applicable due to the fact that Brittle has been quoted numerous times offering to give Abel a hand job, sometimes with no expectation of any retribution or reciprocation. .500 is not however something Baton Rouge has come to expect from their home town team. The Biscuits track record of success could be one reason why many teams seem to rise to the occasion when they are playing the Abel's squad.

Big's Commish and Morecat manager Sam Kirby was asked about Abel's team and responded, "Hey, you can't argue with the guys success. Does he have a target on his back? Let me just say that I think he has a target on his ass." Kirby, seen below with a woman entirely too hot to be his wife has somehow managed to stay near the top of the heap, despite going through a team wide slump. The reverse could be true for Kirby, as many teams look at the matchup with the Meecats as an easy win, and therefore slack off in preparation and mid-week management.

This week's matchup has been no different for the Biscuits, who are locked up with the Northside Blue jays. Despite never have batting above .250 as a team this year, the Jays are hitting well over .300 and confusing Biscuit batters by throwing nearly 20 shutout innings. Jays manager Tony Gallant was asked earlier this week about facing the incredibly patriotic Abel but no one could understand a word he said, due to his accent. During Abel's pregame press conference, he was quoted as saying, "Mr. Gay-lant needs to learn to speak American." He also went on to propose a wall on America's northern border and insisted everyone refer to him as Joe six pack. Abel spent the remainder of the press conference refusing to believe that Keanu Reeves was Canadian.

With there recent performance on the field, Abel and the Biscuits bought some breathing room. Hopefully, the Bigs Northern expansion team will come back down to reality and help the Biscuits avoid their first loss since week 4.

Kim Jaeb-ul: South Korea finds a New Antagonist

The Bigs Insider

Billy Grant

Gwangju--This week calls for Whit Altizer's job are echoing throughout South Korea, but promises for Joey Abel's head rang even louder. Koreans, who have a gift for grudges, have been unable to let go of the fact that Abel stole Shin Soo Choo from the Otters in the 2010 Bigs draft, and they have become even angrier about his dismantling of the Otters last week. "He son-uh-bitch," one unidentified Korean shouted at an Abel effigy last night, "Jaeb-ul sucks smelly fish," yelled another.

Joey Abel insulting Korea during a recent press conference.

Koreans have shown more anger recently over their loss to their hated rivals, the Biscuits, than they have for North Korea and Kim Jong-il. The press is now calling Joey Abel "Kim Jaeb-ul" (김쳅을) and many Koreans are seeking to bar Abel from the peninsula for life. Korean immigration released a statement today saying "Joey Abel's prescence in South Korea is toxic and we are looking at how we can make this explosive situation better for Korea."

Altizer and Abel facing off in a one-on-one pick-up ice hockey match this winter.

But Abel is no stranger to hostility. Just ask the women that lived on sorority row at Louisiana State University in the early 2000s. If there was one thing they hated more than Auburn or Sig-Ep, it was Joey Abel. "Yeah, like, he said he loved me," Mary Ellen Johnson (now Redd) said in 2003 echoing many others, "but I turned out to be just another notch on his belt."

Not only has Abel made enemies in his personal life, but he continues to ruffle the feathers of those in the Bigs for his questionable business ethics and for his constant degradation of his opponents. Every manager has a story. "He called us 'a bunch of hillibillies,'" Rebel Rousers J.P. Vinson remembered, "and said he 'should be allowed to implement 'jus primae noctis' in our state to weed out the stupid' in Mississippi." "He called the citizens of Portland 'high falutin hippies,'" Todd Smith said, "who care more about the texture of their latte milk than a base hit." Taking a shot at Sam Kirby and the Meerkats he suggested he "wasn't surprised" that Martinsville wasn't in the textile business anymore because "besides for Tom Whitt who wears sweatsuits anymore?" Bluejays manager Tony Gallant told Le Monde that Abel is a "le basterd" for his unprintable comments about Canadians.

So Abel is taking the hate aimed at him in stride climbing to 6th place this week. "Hey, we're at .500 right now," Abel said from his home in Baton Rouge, "that's good enough to get a blow job by (another manager's)** wife."

**edited to protect the innocent

AROUND THE HORN-WEDDING STYLE

Andy Harrison got married over the weekend and in perfect harmony hosted a BIGs meeting. Allen Lawrence managed to show up even though his team hasn't all year. The Salem's Stevens are in danger of winning less than .30% of their games, that would be a first in the BIGs. As you can imagine Lawrence is on the hot seat in Salem.

Former BIGs manager Brian Whitaker was also in attendance. Early discussion involved him becoming a owner again but talks stalled around a 400 foot pool he could fill with Mountain Dew. He is still a boob and after one title still holds the BIGs Crystal hostage.

Rouser and Habeneros had the best game of the week. Rouser squeaked out a 1 run victory in the ninth. JP Vinson had this to say "Brittle, god love the guy, but Cordero f'd him...and I'll take that any day of the week." It was definitely a tough road loss for Brittle who for the first time has his team headed to the playoffs.

The Pats love Canada and it showed. They traveled to New Brunswick and managed to treat the bluejays like blueballs. Todd Smith spoke in perfect french when he said "yes, yes. the pen in on the table."

Can you hear that sound? Yes the heartbreaking sound, the tears hitting the ground? That is the hopes and dreams of one nation being crushed by the American "stoneballs" of Joey Abel. News out of Gwanjiu was obviously hard on Altizer and for the record "Shin-Soo Choo now has "stoneballs" as no Korean will ever sleep with him again and therefore never have children." Choo managed to hit 2 HRs and bat .346 against his heartland, but it was his runs and RBIs that did in the Otters.

Mike Richards and the Dromedary Toes tells Tom Whitt and his youngsters to get off his lawn with an easy victory over the Short Pump Sativa. Whitt was schedule to attend Harrison's wedding/trade negotiations but was a no-show after the registration he was ridiculed endlessly over his love of "young talent" .

And finally the Martinsville Meerkats refused to sign the guestbook at Andy Harrison's wedding. Harrison scheduled the wedding to coincide with the Meerkats/Boozehounds grudge match. Horrible planning on Harrison's part as the Meerkats rubbed the Boozehounds face all through the cake, easily winning 9-4, moving the Kats to 2nd place.

The man, the myth, the SOB: A look into the life of Commish Kirby

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Martinsville--Sam Kirby eats dry oatmeal for breakfast("Modern-day nails," he says). After a pumping gold bullion weights("Keeping it real"), he goes for a run on his elephant-skin treadmill("Better on my knees."). Kirby is a man that few people know and even less people understand.

On top of the world: In the off-season Kirby maintains a tea farm where he employs 6-12 year old migrant workers at $2.00 an hour. "If not me than who?" Kirby asks.

Kirby the current Bigs baseball commissioner, manager of the Martinsville Meerkats and the Director of Baseball Operations for the Washington Whales keeps a busy schedule. Juggling three major franchises seems like too much for many, but not for a man who gathers much of his energy from maple and brown sugar oatmeal. "He's a tireless worker," Kirby's personal assistant Harry Jazzercise said of Kirby, "and a gigantic pervert."

A man with few true friends: Kirby looks out his front gate at the outside world who loves and fears him.

Managers around the league respect and fear Kirby much like citizens fear a ruthless tyrant. "Last year he fined me for looking at him funny," Portland Pats manager Todd Smith said, "then he made me pay the fine in Yoruba currency. Imagine asking for that at your local bank." "He runs the league with an ironfist," MLB.com analyst Peter Gammons said of Kirby "and lives life like a bull in a china shop."

Kirby's success has come at the cost of lasting partnerships. For example, the flight of the longtime Bigs team, the Greenville Gaywads, was a result of Kirby's unparalleled hubris. "Kirby made it look like I wanted out," manager Brian Whitaker said last week, "but he was trying to broker a deal that would require me to give him weekly foot massages. Even though Sam has beautiful feet, good enough for him to be a foot model for women's shoes, I walked out the door."

But few can dispute the fact that right now Kirby has a baseball team in second place, another in third and a league that is reaping the benefits of his leadership. And despite his questionable lifestyle his hometown is still buying into the Kirby brand. "We can't keep oatmeal in stock," Betty West manager of the Winn Dixie in Martinsville said, "people are even eating it dry in the check-out line."

Biscuits crush Otters, A Nation Mourns

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Gwangju- Stores were looted, cars were burned and children went to bed without their kimchi Sunday night in Gwangju after the Biscuits toppled the Otters 9-3 in the late innings of this week's most watched match-up. The Biscuits's victory lifted the franchise to sixth place and pushed the ailing Otters down to 9th and under .500. "Fuck," Otters manager Whit Altizer said in the post-game conference, "motherfuck."

The Otters came out of the gates strong and with bats blazing, but the Biscuits bullpen proved too much for the Otters in the early innings. Late in the week the Biscuits made a strong surge with their bats. The always smug Joey Abel credited his teams, "bravery" and "patriotism" for their ability to beat down the Korean powerhouse. "We made 'em look stupid, sho' nuff," said the coonass Abel at Incheon Airport, "and I took great pleasure in it."

After seven weeks of intense back and forth and growing anger over the Biscuits acquisition of Korean born Shin Soo Choo, the Otters and their fans seemed unable to direct their emotions into baseball. Some have even blamed Mariano Rivera's poor performance on the Otters' choice of game entertainment. "It is clear that Mo got cold between the 8th and 9th innings," Peter Gammons wrote yesterday on MLB.com, "believe it or not it takes a while for a 9-foot Joey Abel effigy to burn."

The Otters travel to Martinsville this week in hopes of cooling down the simmering Meerkats while the Biscuits stay on the road traveling to see Tony Gallant and his French-speaking Blue Jays. "Gallant better get ready," Joey Abel said on his way onto the Biscuits jet, "I didn't pack my olive branch."

Abel and the Biscuits arrive in Korea

The Bigs Insider

Billy Grant

Gwangju- Crowds gathered in the streets of Gwangju yesterday to protest the arrival of hated manager Joey Abel and his ballclub the Baton Rouge Biscuits. Despite efforts to change the venue to Baton Rouge, Abel and his ballclub showed up in Korea early Monday morning amidst angry citizens. Many gathered at the Gwangju airport holding signs that read: "Crazy Cow Abel," "Abel is slippery eel" and "Choke on a Hamburger." The Biscuits received tight security and an escort to their hotel that usually only heads of state receive.

GoFYourself-This woman spoke an international language to Abel in the Biscuits at Gwangju Airport.

"We are doing what we can to keep Abel safe," Otters manager Whit Altizer said to BIGS.Com today, "but Koreans are passionate about what they don't like, and right now they are directing all of their disdain toward Joey and the Biscuits."

Tensions cooled down this April in Gwangju while the Otters enjoyed a 3-0 start. But with an 0-2 skid fresh in the minds of Otters fans, Biscuit hatred has flared back up. Some Kia fans have even tried to link the skid to Biscuits manager Joey Abel. "Abel is the cause for our angst," Kim Jeong-Ho told the Korea Times, "and the cause for our recent misfortunes."

Otters fans tried to get close to Abel and the Biscuits while hurling bottles and insults.

Abel, for his part, has done little to cool tensions between Louisiana and Korea. Last week, Abel committed two cardinal sins by insulting Korean cuisine and confusing Korea with Japan. "Kimchi smells like Kevin Youkilis's jockstrap in October," Abel said when the Korea Herald asked about his knowledge of the kimchi. When Yonhap News asked if Abel enjoyed any other Korean dishes he said, "Yeah, I love Korean food, I eat sushi all the time." Koreans responded with burning the 8th effigy of Abel in the streets.

"We're happy to be in Korea playing the Otters," Abel told the press today, "but damn it sure does smell like rotting fish."

Biscuits and Boozehounds Split; Otters Will be Ready

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

When asked if he was happy with a 7-7 split with the Boozehounds this week, Biscuits manager Joey Abel replied, " Andy (Harrison) bobs for apples in toilets...and LIKES IT!" Abel was pressed by reporters for rational responses to the myriad of questions surrounding a Biscuits team that is playing below .500 so far this year, but all they received were quotes from The Sandlot. Abel went on to say things about a pickle, the beast, P.F. Flyers, and was especially concerned about not being able to have some more of nothing. Hopefully a bout against Whitney Altizer and the rival Otters can right the Biscuits' ship and help Abel regain his composure at the helm.

The Kia Otters, formerly the Oxford Otters, after starting the season 3-0 are currently in a skid after losing their second straight this past week and there are some serious questions swirling around Altizer and the Otters from top to bottom. Kia executives, who have typical asian like expectations for perfection, are demanding a better showing and the Korean public are demanding Altizer make a trade for or pick up a Korean born player. The only thing that has kept the organization from folding is a united hatred for Biscuit manager Joey Abel. It has been well documented that Abel drafted Korean hero Sin Choo Choo very early, perhaps only to spite Altizer and the Otters. Thousands will gather in Korea this week to watch the matchup between these clubs, and Abel has taken steps to drum up some hype here in the states. He has set up a jumbo-tron in Oxford Mississippi, who hates Altizer more than black people for taking the team overseas.

Fortunately for the Biscuits, the Otters players are performing about as well as Sam Kirby did on his wedding night. Most notably, Otters closer and captain Mariano Rivera blew a save last week when he gave up a grand slam to Really Stevens outfielder Jason Kubel. The last time that happened, Ronald Reagan was in office, and Rivera seen below following that game, was 16. If the Biscuits can put together a complete performance, this rival may turn into a blowout

Not a big fan of the Bigs

The Oregonian

Hank Masters

Everyone knows Pat Robertson hates abortion, Obama, and gay people, but they probably don't know that he loves baseball. A lifelong Texas Rangers fan, and reigning CBN fantasy baseball league champion, Pat knows a thing or two about America's pastime. It's no secret, however; that Robertson is not a fan of the Bigs fantasy baseball leagues. "It's full of USA haters, homos, and even worse - democrats" he famously stated back in 2006.

This past Sunday, on his weekly show the 700 Club, Robertson let loose another furious tirade against the Bigs fantasy baseball league. Apparently, he was not too happy this spring to hear the announcement of a new expansion team from the great white North, the Northside Blue Jays. "This is obviously part of Obama's leftist agenda." Robertson ranted. "My close friend Sarah, has told me Canada is full of nothing but hockey-loving socialist homos. She can see Canada from her house, you know." He further added, "This is baseball. It's okay to blow a call. It's okay to blow a save. But it is not okay to blow your shortstop."

Blue Jays manager and apparent "socialist homo", Tony Gallant, is seen here "coaching" shortstop Derek Jeter on the proper fielding stance.

Gallant was not the only target of Robertson's fury, however; even bigs commissioner, and perennial underachiever, Sam Kirby, was targeted for his latest show of team spirit.

Robertson had this to say on Kirby's well known man crush of Albert Pujols "The Meerkats pro-gay agenda will surely only lead him to spending the year in the bottom of the standings... and an eternity burning in hell... there's that too."

"And don't even get me started on the Kia Otters, and that commie manager of theirs" Robertson bemoaned. "At least his team doesn't suck this year. Lord I pray that the Portland Pats kick their USA-hating butts this week."

Amen to that Pat. Amen.

Breaking News: Braden pitches perfect game to spite Lawrence

The Bigs Insider
Billy Grant

Roanoke--Dallas Braden threw his hand up in the air after Gabe Kapler grounded out to shortstop to finish the 19th perfect game in MLB history while Stevens manager Allen Lawrence looked on passively. Lawrence tried repeatedly to take Braden out in a game that he clearly owned, but in a show of insubordination Braden refused to give up the ball.

"He knew I had the stuff," Braden said after the game, "but he kept calling me a 'saboteur.' I don't know if it was reverse psychology but his incessant trips to the mound just got me more fired up to throw strikes." Manager Allen Lawrence has been ridiculed recently for throwing the season just a month into it. "The Stevens are terrible," Commissioner Sam Kirby said last week, "they're like a lame horse that needs to be shot...desperately."

But Braden may have lit a fire in the slumping Stevens. "I don't know about a fire," Braden said, "but maybe I bought Skip some time in Roanoke."

In Search of Hope in an Under .500 City

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider


Hanover- John Dixon wakes every morning and raises his Hanover Habaneros flag up the flag pole that rises from the middle of his immaculate rock garden in his manicured front yard, a tradition he has kept for three years now. "The Habaneros make my world go round," Dixon said stoically before swallowing a bitter pill, "but one more month of this and I'll have to shift my support to the Short Pump Sativa."

Dixon like many others in Hanover County, Virginia rise, fall and stumble with the Habaneros, but have found they are nearing the end of their rope with Skipper Justin Brittle and his losing record. "I know it's early," Dixon said, "but this is just another chapter in a bad book with no plot twists, just more of the same. This guy couldn't lead a fly to a turd."


The Habaneros find themselves in the under .500 club this May with hated rival the Baton Rouge Biscuits, and interstate rivals the Dromedary Toes and the Really Stevens. In these other cities one will find the same angry and frustrated fans like John Dixon.

In Baton Rouge this week Biscuits fans united with Korean-Americans in anti-Abel rallies that have united Korean populations around the world. "What Abel has done to USA-Korea relations is wrong," Peter Gammons said this week, "but what he has done to Baton Rouge is criminal." Peggy Noonan of the Baton Rouge Bee called Abel "Hurricane Abelina" in a column this week saying that Abel's managing has done to the Biscuits what Katrina did to New Orleans in 2005. "He's flooding our fair city with bad baseball," Noonan wrote, "and his emergency response? Send for Doug Fister."

But the ray of hope still shines bright for these under .500 cities. "There is no doubt Mike Richards has no business managing," said Roanoke resident Forrest Livingston III, "but at least he is giving that no-good Allen Lawrence a run for his money."

Roanoke hasn't seen much success since the Gaywads left for Greenville a few years ago. It has gotten so bad in Roanoke that many fans are now nostalgic for Brian Whitaker and the Gaywads. "Wow," Whitaker said in response from his secluded Greenville home.

Meanwhile, further north John Dixon continues to raise his Habaneros flag with it lifting his hopes that he won't have to become a Sativa fan anytime soon. "I hope to wake up from this nightmare soon," Dixon said, "but for now I'll take comfort in the fact that we are a game and a half ahead of Joey Abel and a run ahead of the Meerkats."

Questions Arise In Martinsville

Norman Dale (Lou Brown is on assignment)
The Martinsville Bulletin

The town of Martinsville held an impromptu meeting at the local church to decide the fate of Manager Sam Kirby. On the docket was the dismissal of Kirby. The Meerkats are 51% owned by the citizens of Martinsville, and 49% by Kirby, a vote in the majority would remove Kirby as manager of the Meerkats, The meeting had a fanatical pace with public outcry and public support but the meeting was quickly overrun by when “Bitches ain’t nothing but Ho’s and Shit” blared over the church’s loudspeakers for the weekly “Radical Fearless and Sanctified Hip Hop Sunday”





The meeting was rescheduled for the Dixie Pig, but quickly ended when Albert Pujols descended from an escalator in the sky and simply said “I play, coach stays. He goes, I go.”
After two easy victories Kirby and Meerkats have fallen on hard times and most recently a loss to bitter rival the Rebel Rousers. This recent downturn has not eased the mind of the Martinsvillites. Kirby has gained fame and fortune through his eccentric methods, once having Albert Pujols hit live doves shot out of a pitching machine to mimic a knuckle baller. Often aloof and short tempered with the press, Kirby has become only more eccentric. Kirby has had a checkered past with the Meerkats, winning the inaugural season in the BIGs and taking them to the playoffs each and every year, sans one, but the 2nd championship Martinsville seeks has been held just out of reach. Twice the Meekats have lost in the playoffs by 1 run, both times to the eventual BIGs Champion. This has not helped the former great city of Martinsville cheer their team. Martinsville is no longer the furniture giant and has fewer tangible successes to cheer. One of the only jewels left is the Meerkats.
Beautiful Hooker field was torn down four years ago to make way for Wakefield Park. Wakefield as you know brought Kirby and Martinsville their first and only BIGs trophy. Kirby has long since preached that his team is too coddled with the new ballpark, not tough enough and in his eccentric method managed to alienate Meerkat players with hardships like removing the butter from the peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches, removing individual chairs and adding benches and most famously, he made former Meerkat Jimmy Rollins walk to Salem to face the Stevens. Kirby has always preached team ball, but lately he has the entire team sleeping in the same room.
Pujol's proclamation may of ended the discussion for Kirby at the moment, but this week against the Habeneros is crucial for Morale. Kirby could not be reached for comment, but sources inside the Meerkat's clubhouse say that Kirby hasn't changed his ways. John Kruk of the BIGs network had some strong words for the Meerkat Nation "I really don't understand this uprising, Kirby has done nothing but bring winning season after winning season, playoffs after playoffs, he's turned a small town into a dominant presence in the BIGs. Take a look at other managers, not even the Allen Lawrences of the league, but the Altizer, the dude barely makes the playoffs once at of every three years, moves the team to Korea, jesus how does he still have a job. Look at Baton Rouge...half those players Abel selected in the draft wouldn't make the starting roster of the Meerkats. Don't get me even started on JP Vinson, that guy is a real hack. I'm not saying Kirby is a genius, but he manages to have his team in the playoffs year after year."

2010 could prove to be a big year in the BIGs for Kirby and the Meerkats. A championship season is still in the cards...and that's all that Meerkat Nation can ask for.

Statement

The Portland Pats organization would like to offer a public apology to Justin Rodgers and his family. We sincerely hated to let go of that fat bastard Francisco, but due to private team matters, it needed to be done.

Thankfully, our colleagues in the Meerkats organization have found a spot for Frank and his bloated ERA in their bullpen. I would hope that Mr. Kirby honors Frank's commitment to Justin's cause and continues to donate funds after his immanent failures.

Sincerely,

the first place team... er, Portland Pats

Pats Dump Justin Rodgers, Crush Toes

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Portland- Portland Pats manager Todd Smith faces a public relations nightmare this week after failing to support their Blow a Save - Save a Life Foundation founded by Smith. Every time a Pat's reliever gave up a walk-off dinger, squandered a huge lead, or walked out and took a dump on the mound, the Portland Pats organization would proudly donate $10,000 to the Justin Rodgers Leukemia Fund. "Yeah...about that...." Manager Todd Smith said after the Pats pounded the Dromedary Toes 11-1 this week, "by Thursday we all just kind of thought...fuck it."

Blow a Save chairman Harry Jazzercise was beside himself on Monday after the Pats failed to raise any money for the cause. "What Smith did took a lot of gumption," Jazzercise said to the Portland Gazette, "I'd like to publically invite Smith and his bullpen to go blow themselves."

In addition to the Pat's new pro-Leukemia stance, the thrill of being first in the Bigs has gone directly to Smith's head. "We'll get back to blowing saves," Smith assured his fanbase on his blog today, "but if I was Justin Rodgers I wouldn't expect any hand-outs anytime soon."

More of the Same: Boozehounds top, Stevens drop

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider



Richmond---The Bigs standings look all to familar to fans this week as the Richmond Boozehounds find themselves back in first place and the Really Stevens drop to last place. "It's as if the Stevens are wearing cement shoes," Hanover manager Justin Brittle said this week, "and decided to jump in the deep-end."

And sink they have. After only 2 weeks of games they have fallen to an impossible 14 games behind. It isn't so much that they suck that infuriates the Star City but more that they weren't ever suppose to suck that really chaps the city's collective ass.

The Really Stevens' fans have been wearing this image on t-shirts of a snake-oil salesman with "Run 'em out of town" written below after falling to 14 games behind interstate rival the Boozehounds.

Hailed as a baseball genius by all in the Stevens inaugural season, Allen Lawrence has failed to produce a strong ball club in Roanoke in 5 years. "He dupped us all," Roanoke Times sports editor Donny Beamer said, "Lawrence blew into town like a snake oil salesmen but hasn't fled with the cash. He's still trying to convice the people that his stuff works!" The Stevens are hoping for some kind of magic this week to keep there small lead over the rookie-laden Short Pump Sativa.

Just a few hours northeast in Richmond, manager Andy Harrison continues his ride at the top of the Bigs. "What can I say," Harrison said in his usual smug tone, "I make the calls, but my players make the plays." But Harrison, only two question later, contradicted himself while slamming his former prep school classmate Allen Lawrence. "Can I take credit for Timmy's 4-0 start, 43Ks and 1.27 ERA? No," Harrison said, "But I can't say he would have done the same under Lawrence's command either."

Meanwhile the Kia Otters have looked strong and unfazed by the extreme time difference from most Bigs teams now finding themselves in 2nd place only a half game out. "We're living by the Korean proverb "After three years at a village schoolhouse, even a dog can recite a poem," Otters manager Whit Altizer said to Korean media this week, "we are practicing hard and licking our wounds."

Korean girl band the Wonder Girls threw out the first pitch at a Kia Otters game Wednesday night.

Korea is just now starting to come to terms with losing their star player to an American team. "It was a big blow to Korea to not get Choo that's a fact," Altizer said this week, "but after many burned effigy's and plenty of spitting in the direction of Baton Rouge our fans have found temporary peace with the disrespect shown to them." Though the Otters fans are content now, there is still an uncurrent of rage toward the Biscuits and manager Abel. The true test will come when the Biscuits and Otters meet in week 7. According to VP of Bigs Affairs Andy Harrison the Biscuits will be traveling with the Baton Rouge militia to Korea.

Rain Makes for a Soggy Biscuit; Habeneros Looking Forward to Matchup

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Local boy feeling great thanks to the Pat's bullpen.

The Oregonian

Hank Masters

In recent years, many a baseball fan has been let down by their favorite athlete. This year, the Bigs is no exception; rampant drug use and numerous homoerotic scandals have rocked the reputation of America's premier fantasy baseball league. Rick Moranis perhaps said it best in the classic film, Spaceballs, when he bemoaned: "I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes!" These days Bigs commissioner Sam (aka, Red Helmet) Kirby, knows the feeling all too well.

Portland Pat's manager, Todd Smith, wants to change that perception. That's why early in spring training, he created the Blow a Save - Save a Life Foundation. This year, every time a Pat's reliever gives up a walk-off dinger, squanders a huge lead, or just walks out and takes a dump on the mound, the Portland Pats organization will proudly donate $10,000 to the Justin Rodgers Leukemia Fund.

"Justin's a real sweet kid, who just ran into some bad luck." said Smith with a tear in his eye. "I felt I owed it to him to do what I could to help out. That's why I went into this year's draft and amassed the shittiest collection of relievers I could. Sure, their career stats were pretty solid, but I knew it could their breakout year... to suck I mean... their breakout year to suck."

And suck they have. With the exception of Bobby Jenks (clearly a cold, heartless asshole), every Pat's reliever has an ERA over 5.00, and together have combined for a staggering 6 losses in the season's first two weeks! In particular, *salad-tossing closer Frank Francisco has really stepped it up with an era to the tune 12.60 and three loses to his credit in the first week alone.

"I really can't thank Mr. Francisco enough" said cancer-boy Justin Rodgers. "He's my hero. If this keeps up, in a couple months I'll be cancer free, and by the all-star break I'll be friggin rich!"

Things are going great" exclaimed the Pat's skipper. Sure we're sinking in the standings, but sometimes you just have to do the right thing. We took a hit when Gonzo (Mike Gonzalez) hit the DL, but I'm confident we can pick up someone who will suck just as bad... who knows, maybe more!"

One can only hope Mr. Smith. I know a brave little bald kid that will be keeping his fingers crossed.

Frank Francisco and catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia

celebrate after yet another blown save.

*In baseball circles "salad" is known as a pitch which is easy to hit.

For more information on the definition of "salad-tossing" in... um, "other" circles, please contact any other Bigs manager.

Biscuits Falter Late; Questions Surround Martinsville

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Although the Biscuits fell to 0-2 on the season, eventually losing their early week lead to the start-up Sativas, bright spots in the lineup weren't the only reason for a quieter press conference in the clubhouse Sunday night. Most reporters and nearly all of the public's attention were fixed on league commissioner and Marcats manager Sam Kirby as allegations of performance enhancing drugs swirled around Martinsville and the recent hiring of former Mercat Mark McGwire as the head of Albert Pujols' entourage.

Pujols, who is on pace to hit 98 HRs and over 300 RBIs this season and has managed to keep his nose clean in this "steroid age" of baseball...until now, it seems. When asked to comment, Kirby responded saying, "Pooh Bear (Albert) wanted this...and what Pooh Bear wants, Pooh Bear gets." He went on to say something about not putting Albert in the corner, yet never managed to address the elephant in the room. Namely, the question of steroids, Kirby, and the Morcats. Unfortunately, this is only the latest in a string of allegations linking Kirby to the "cream" and the "clear."

In the offseason of 2004, Kirby was seen playing corn-hole with that Canadian doctor guy. In 05, he hired Sammy Sosa to give him Spanish lessons. In 06, Kirby was photographed riding a tandem bicycle during a celebration of the 19th century festival with Rafael Palmeiro. Kirby reportedly paid over 2 million to obtain all copies, however one has recently surfaced showing Palmeiro and his distinctive mustache and Kirby with his distinctively small stature (see below).

Even more than all the allegations of abuse, Kirby's homoerotic antics and overall inflated ego are starting to wear on some Martinsville faithful. One resident was quoted recently as saying, "How do you have the best baseball player that ever lived (Pujols), yet never manage to get better than 3rd? At some point it has more to do with the manager." This resident, later identified as Kirby's mom, seems to summarize the thoughts of many Cat fans.

One thing is for sure, if he keeps winning, all these questions will fall by the wayside. In Baton Rouge, if Joey Abel and the Biscuits keep losing, then not even this steroid abuse story will be able to quell the calls for Abel's head.

아트으스 화이팅!!! (Let's Go Otters!!!)

The following was taken from the Chosun Ilbo and translated by Lee Jung Min author of GoOttersGo!.com:

Kim Yong Hee
Chosun Ilbo

Gwangju---The Otters are forcing the Boozehounds to rethink their strategy late in the ballgame as they enter the 7th inning with a comfortable lead. "We aren't drinking the kimchi-water before eating the rice cakes," manager Whit Altizer said quoting a famous Korean proverb, "but we are making the Boozehounds look like a dish of octopus tentacles squirming for answers." Answers won't be easy to find for the Boozehounds with an Otters team that is as well oiled as an ajumma's(old woman's) oxcart full of persimmons.

Though the Boozehounds followed the playbook written by Sam Kirby of the Meerkats last week, the hole in the line-up at shortstop isn't bearing the same fruit as it did for Kirby who, without a shortstop, crushed the Baton Rouge Biscuits. "So, having Rollins out isn't working in our favor," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison told The Bigs Insider this week, "who knew the Otters actually had a backbone?"

Last week, the Kia fans rejoiced in the street having acheived two victories after an Otters win and a Biscuits defeat. Fans made signs reading "Altizer is a handsome genius guy!"; "Altizer has a tiger heart and a fish's cunning!" and less loving ones like "Joey Abel shows a duck foot."(same as "He lies") and scathing "Jabel=Japanese!!" Several weeks ago Abel set off an Anti-Abel and American sentiment across the peninsula after drafting the beloved Shin Soo Choo out from under his home country Kia Otters.

But things look bright for the Otters two weeks into their season and Korea expects continued excellence. But for the Boozehounds and Harrison, it may be time to think about an old Korean proverb "After losing a cow, one repairs the barn."

Fighting Otters!!!

Biscuits Burned; Kirby Owns Week One

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

It's getting hard to quiet the clamor in the capital city today after the Biscuits were squashed by the Mertcats in the first week of the Bigs 2010 season. Pre-season polls with Abel at the bottom of virtually every category would have been easier to ignore had the ballclub done anything at all this week to stop Kirby and the Cats from demoralizing Baton Rouge 11-2. One resident actually started a website, fireabel.com and after the loss, traffic on the site reportedly increased exponentially. When pressed by reporters, Abel had this to say about the loss:

“(Expletive) happens. Then you guys talk (expletive), “Two (expletive) games already. (Expletive) are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? (Expletive). There’s (expletive) 160 games left. Y’all (expletive) go ahead and hit for me.”

Many of the reporters scratched their heads due to the fact that this was a direct quote from Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. Before they could probe further however, Abel continued, whining about his players performance being linked to whether or not they were in his starting lineup. "Mother(expletive) goes O-fer all (expletive) week, I put him on the bench, he goes yak twice and has 3 stolen bases." Abel continued, "then...and this is the best part...I put him back in the lineup, and he strikes out 3 times and drops a routine fly ball." Abel continued to rant, taking quotes from various sources, but mostly from Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, the skipper's favorite baseball movie.

In an effort to gain some pop and shuffle the deck a bit, Abel re-signed former Biscuit Paul Konerko to the club. He also picked up the hot bat of catcher Rob Barajas since Biscuit keeper Miguel Montero went down this week because he plays for the Biscuits. Most notable this week was the lack of production from Biscuits OF Shin Choo-Choo, who batted .143. He did belt one homerun and swiped two bases, yet this predictably happened on the Biscuits bench.

Choo, seen above at the WBC, was a highly sought draft pick this year, and the Biscuits managed to somehow take him before Kia Otters manager Whit ALtizer, who had him at the top of the draft board. Abel commented, "I had to give my kidney to some Asian guy in exchange for Choo-ey. No I'm serious, you can get almost anything for an organ in Asia these days."

In news around the league, Commish Sam Kirby has made a trip to Altizer's home country of Korea this week. His true motives are unclear, but Altizer has yet to surface after disappearing in the DMZ last week. North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il and Kirby are reportedly very close, and it has more to do than just the fact that they are the same height. Kirby may be pulling a past US president move in an attempt to extradite Altizer from the country.

This week won't prove any easier for Abel and the Biscuits as they go up against Rookie phenom Jason Heyward and the upstart Short Pump Sativas. The collective eyes of Baton Rouge will be watching to see if they can rebound from a horrible start to the season.