Biscuits Burned; Kirby Owns Week One

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

It's getting hard to quiet the clamor in the capital city today after the Biscuits were squashed by the Mertcats in the first week of the Bigs 2010 season. Pre-season polls with Abel at the bottom of virtually every category would have been easier to ignore had the ballclub done anything at all this week to stop Kirby and the Cats from demoralizing Baton Rouge 11-2. One resident actually started a website, fireabel.com and after the loss, traffic on the site reportedly increased exponentially. When pressed by reporters, Abel had this to say about the loss:

“(Expletive) happens. Then you guys talk (expletive), “Two (expletive) games already. (Expletive) are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? (Expletive). There’s (expletive) 160 games left. Y’all (expletive) go ahead and hit for me.”

Many of the reporters scratched their heads due to the fact that this was a direct quote from Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. Before they could probe further however, Abel continued, whining about his players performance being linked to whether or not they were in his starting lineup. "Mother(expletive) goes O-fer all (expletive) week, I put him on the bench, he goes yak twice and has 3 stolen bases." Abel continued, "then...and this is the best part...I put him back in the lineup, and he strikes out 3 times and drops a routine fly ball." Abel continued to rant, taking quotes from various sources, but mostly from Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, the skipper's favorite baseball movie.

In an effort to gain some pop and shuffle the deck a bit, Abel re-signed former Biscuit Paul Konerko to the club. He also picked up the hot bat of catcher Rob Barajas since Biscuit keeper Miguel Montero went down this week because he plays for the Biscuits. Most notable this week was the lack of production from Biscuits OF Shin Choo-Choo, who batted .143. He did belt one homerun and swiped two bases, yet this predictably happened on the Biscuits bench.

Choo, seen above at the WBC, was a highly sought draft pick this year, and the Biscuits managed to somehow take him before Kia Otters manager Whit ALtizer, who had him at the top of the draft board. Abel commented, "I had to give my kidney to some Asian guy in exchange for Choo-ey. No I'm serious, you can get almost anything for an organ in Asia these days."

In news around the league, Commish Sam Kirby has made a trip to Altizer's home country of Korea this week. His true motives are unclear, but Altizer has yet to surface after disappearing in the DMZ last week. North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il and Kirby are reportedly very close, and it has more to do than just the fact that they are the same height. Kirby may be pulling a past US president move in an attempt to extradite Altizer from the country.

This week won't prove any easier for Abel and the Biscuits as they go up against Rookie phenom Jason Heyward and the upstart Short Pump Sativas. The collective eyes of Baton Rouge will be watching to see if they can rebound from a horrible start to the season.