Biscuits Barrel into Playoffs, MehCats whiny

Baton Rouge -

Paul Konerko

In the most anticipated matchup of the year, the Biscuits proved they belong in any conversation about the best teams in the Bigs by beating up on the MeerKats. Controlling the action from the first pitch, the Biscuits lost a bit of steam, but still managed to jump the Rousers for the 3rd seed and bump the Cats down to the 5th seed. Most notably, Biscuits beleaguered 1st baseman, Paul Konerko, used his bat to answer some questions posed by Cats manager Sam Kirby. Konerko batted .389 with a homer, 6 runs, and 4 RBIs to lead the Biscuits over the MehCats.

Now, Biscuit nation wonders how the club will handle the 3 seed and if they can continue their consistent play. With the best record in the Bigs since the break, the Biscuits seem to have found the balance manager Joey Abel has been preaching since day one. Some detractors however point out that by beating the Cats, they have made their road harder having to face the Habaneros in the first round. In addition, the Cats travel to Atlanta to face the floundering Rousers, who backed into the playoffs, losing their last four matchups. Bitten hard by the injury bug, Rousers manager JP Vinson reportedly has little hope for his club against the Cats this week saying "Sam (Kirby) is awesome. I love his sense of style and it's going to be an honor to do battle with him." What was more telling than his words, however was Vinson's shirt, which had Jose Reyes and David Wright's image air brushed onto a heart. Without Wright and Reyes, the Rousers chances don't look good against the Cats.

The Biscuit's 1st round will be considerably more challenging, as they face the Habaneros, who fought their way into the playoffs by winning 5 of their last 6 games. Hanover manager Justin Brittle was thrilled in this weeks press conference saying, "wow, to be playing Joey Abel in the playoffs is like a dream come true. I wish this week could last forever!" Brittle then stood up from behind the microphone and was not wearing any pants. The pant-less manager then began chanting "Abel, Abel, Abel" before being escorted out by security. The Biscuits have beaten the Habaneros twice this season, but the slate is cleared this week, as it's win or go home.

The only question mark still remaining is the whereabouts of Martinsville manager Sam Kirby. Despite managing to write a number of whiny smack posts to Abel during their matchup, there has been little communication coming from MehCat camp. The only correspondence from Kirby came in the form of a rudimentary drawing sent to the press seemingly from Kirby with a note reading "where the bad man touched me." The handwriting is currently being analyzed to confirm whether it was written by Kirby. The likeness of the picture to Kirby, however can not be denied.

With the shuffling of the seeds, a Cat-Biscuit re-match in the finals is possible, but both clubs would have to pull off upsets in round two against two strong clubs in Pat and the Boozehounds, who are both enjoying a bye week. Right now, both clubs are focusing on Round one in what should be a wild first week of playoffs.

Otters Give Love a Bad Name: Playoff Picture Forming

Baton Rouge - Jon Bon Jovi

As the final week of the regular season begins, the playoff window looks to be all but shut on many of the Bigs Clubs, including the Oxford Otters, who were handed a bittter blow from the Boozehounds last week. Otters manager and former Bigs Commish, Whitney Altizer (seen left), seemed apathetic at best when reached for comment in his hot tub in South Korea. "Hey, we did all we could, you can't win 'em all," said Altizer, who many believe has all but jumped ship on the Bigs and is planning on starting a new league on the Korean penninsula. Leaks from PyongYang report Altizer and Kim Jong Il are currently in the middle of a deal. The increasingly cryptic Altizer, when asked about a possible north-south baseball league, remarked "If you live in the river, you should make friends with the crocodiles." Whatever that means, unless the Otters can pull of an epic upset and get help from the Habaneros, they will most likely be watching the playoffs from home this year.

In other news around the league, our hometown Biscuits fell to an inspired Toes club but held their 4 game lead over the MehCats, who were handed a loss at the hands of the Habaneros, who have become the most feared club around the Bigs despite their current 6th seed. Manager Justin Brittle (seen below in his usual cross-dress) was reached for comment after beating the MehCats saying, "Sometimes it's about who gets hot at the right time. I'm in love with Joey Abel." Brittle's emphatic love for the Biscuits manager has been well documented over the years, most recently culminating in a retraining order placed on Brittle after he stole a pair of Abel's boxers and a pillowcase from Abel's home.

Pat and the Boozehounds have death grips on first round byes, but the last four seeds will most likely be decided on the outcome of the highly anticipated MehCat-Biscuit matchup, who are both knocking on the door of the 3 seed, held by the suddenly floundering Rousers.

Abel, for his part, is heading into this week just like any other saying, "This is just another week, and we're gonna go out there, and try to get another win." But everyone around Louisiana and the country knows this is not just another week, going up against Sam Kirby and the MehCats. Kirby, and the rest of the MehCat camp have been suspiciously quiet on the matchup so far, but those close to Kirby report that he hasn't been able to eat or sleep the past few days in anticipation of this clash. The source, who asked not to be identified said that Kirby "looks sicklier than usual," which is saying quite a bit. The 09 regular season is almost in the books, but there's still a lot to be decided.

Cain Deals a Blow to the Rousers Playoff Chances...Right to the Head

Much like his manager, MehCat Ace Matt Cain is a dumb hothead

Baton Rouge - AP

contributing writers

In a developing scandal around the Bigs, Martinsville staff ace Matt Cain could possibly be facing a lengthy suspension for the questionable plunking of Rousers third baseman David Wright. Wright, who was placed on the DL with a concussion and could miss the remainder of the season, is rumored to be harboring more ill will than the media is leading on. In a breaking story from a Rousers player who asked not to be identified, Wright is apparently still "really ticked" at the Martinsville hurler. This altercation is only the latest in an ongoing conflict between the clubs. Cain has also been connected with the calf and hamstring that has sidelined Rousers leadoff shortstop Jose Reyes most of the season. Cain's role in Reyes' injury was never confirmed, but he and manager Sam Kirby were seen jumping up and down and squealing with delight at a local Martinsville bar afterwards which was described by bystanders as "the gayest thing I've ever seen." The already heated rivalry between the Meetcats and Rousers has reached epic proportions combined with Wright's beaning and a Martinsville victory last week over the Rousers. Kirby, who is also the Bigs commish, is reviewing Cain's possible suspension, but many wonder whether he will behave unethically yet again and let him off with no more than a slap on the wrist.

The foundation of the Rousers team are in a boy band during the offseason called the New York "mates"

Martinsville seems headed for a playoff birth, but JP Vinson's club is suddenly a team searching for a win. With only two weeks left, there once firm spot has become a question mark and the all important playoff seeding is now up for grabs. Besides They Call Me Pat, the remaining five spots are available for the hungriest team out there. In local news, the upcoming matchup between the MehCats and our hometown biscuits looks to have more repercussions on playoff seeds than actually making it into the playoffs, but anything can happen.

Konerko Breaks Hunger Strike; Hits One Deep.

The BIGS Basepath
Lance Bass

Konerko ended his hitless streak in impressive fashion with a two hit, one homer game. Biscuit fans reportedly were ecstatic that their first baseman was able to actually connect with a baseball. Manager of the Biscuits, Joey Abel, was quoted as saying

“Seriously, I was close to the edge…I was on my balcony the other night, with
all the reports, the news, ESPN cutting to every at bat, the rumors about
Konerko’s lack of hitting and thought about how simple it would be to jump.”

This is startling news. The Biscuits have to face their bitter rival, the Meerkats, with a playoff spot on the line. Team moral is sinking faster than Ryan Stuckey’s mouth on a hairless goat tramp. No team wants his skipper contemplating suicide before a playoff run. In other news, the Otters have hired Lobo the Clown for their annual employee’s picnic.

Abel Responds, Martinsville Struggling

Are the MearKats really just paper tigers???

Baton Rouge - AP

Contributing Writers

Amidst a barrage of insults and verbal diarrhea from Bigs Commish and Martinsville manager Sam Kirby, Biscuits manager has managed to keep his cool, the cool that's permeated the Biscuits clubhouse all year. Poised for a deep playoff run in 09, the formerly flamboyant and reckless Abel has managed to tone down his tirades, and it seems to be catching on in the locker room. Amid personal attacks this week from Kirby, beleaguered Biscuits firstbaseman Paul Konerko remained calm when asked to comment on the most recent s***storm. "What are you gonna do? When a guy is under 5'6", he tends to harbor some animosity. Will it affect my play, no way." He may be referring to what experts call "short-man" syndrome.

Short-man syndrome, according to an anonymous MaerCat team doctor, occurs when a man, who is well below average male height compensates by wearing an enormous chip on his shoulder. It has been associated with over-aggressive behavior and a lack of the ability to "just chill." Does Kirby have this? "Absolutely" says the team doctor, who asked not to be identified for fear of the dreaded Kirby "tummy-sticks" punishment. Regardless of Kirby's neuroses, Abel stands by his slugger. "Pauly is in a little slump...it's not a huge deal. The other guys have stepped up and that's what Biscuits do."

In other news around the league, rumors are swirling about bribes payed to Biscuits opponent Gaywads to actually play this week. The Gaywads, who have long since given up and stopped managing, which is what a chick would do, mysteriously awoke to make a blockbuster trade with the Merecats. Jimmy Rollins, one half of the trade sat on the bench suspiciously until this week, against Baton Rouge. The manager of the gaywads was unable to be reached for comment and Kirby's involvement is being investigated. Abel again responded with an even keel saying, "We're just worried about the Biscuits...the other clubs can do what they want." It is not just the merecats and the Gaywads that have been mentioned. JP Vinson, who has laid-down this week against Kirby and Martinsville has reportedly gone on "vacation" to the "beach." Could Kirby have set Vinson up in one of his fabled "Tiki-Huts?" on the Alabama coast? What is perhaps most ironic is that despite playing a lame duck, Kirby and the Cats are still losing to the Rousers. Whether that score holds remains to be seen, but this reporter, along with many in Baton Rouge and around the nation, want some answers.

Where is the Commish?

Have you seen Commish Kirby?

The Oxford Daily
Bill Faulkner

As attendance falls and player and manager apathy rises in the BIGS, one question looms over the league: where in the world is Commish Sam Kirby when his league really needs him? The only sighting of Kirby in recent days was in South Korea during the Altizer-Kirby summit. Today, no one seems to know if he has gone into Howard Hughes type exile or if his private jet went down somewhere near the Bering Strait on his way home from the Hermit Kingdom. One thing is for sure: he is utterly aloof while his league desperately needs him.


Who is here to straighten out the Youkalis-Porcello brawl? Why hasn't he weighed in on the sharp decline of Really Stevens attendance? When will he address the defamation campaign of his beloved Meerkats by the Baton Rouge Press? Kirby has remained as silent as Commissioner of BIGS baseball as Brian Whitaker has as manager of the Greenville Gaywads. The biggest question is: How much longer does Kirby have at the helm of the BIGS?


When a captain of a ship is apathetic then the ship will inevitably sink. Luckily for the BIGS, the co-pilot of the league, Andy Harrison, is devoted to steering the ship through rocky waters. Is this a case of the student becoming the master? Or will Sam Kirby finally emerge from under the rock he has been under and do something about, and for, the BIGS?


There is still time for Kirby to save his legacy and turn the 2009 season around into something more exciting and profitable, but the time is now. The BIGS are in a fragile state and Kirby is the person who must put the league on more solid ground. The future of the league depends on him.

HAIKU-by Tom Mackey

Abel lifts his head

Konerko swing and a miss

They suck together

Abel Waves Goodbye to League Managers' Confidence

Konerko Still Starting in Baton Rouge
By Peggy Noonan
The Baton Rouge Bee

While the Baton Rouge Biscuits battles the geriatric Gaywads this week a question has swirled around the BIGs like wildfire. How can any competent manager keep writing the name Paul Konerko into the lineup? Konerko has proved to be serviceable when he’s hot, but over the last month, Konerko has batted a low .204. Only three 1st basemen in the league have a lower batting average. Over the last week Konerko has batted an embarrassing .167 and his offense numbers rank 854th in the BIGs. JP Vinson sent out a league memo to everyone but the Biscuits. In the memo, it questioned Abel sanity for still starting Konerko; it also listed an easy dozen first basemen on waivers that should start over Konerko. Vinson, who is usually upfront, is still upset over a report that came out from the Biscuits front office. League sources have also confirmed reports that Abel held a meeting with Brandon Webb and the two may have reached an agreement of release. If Abel is going to compete in the playoffs, he’ll need every bench spot available. The Really Steven’s Manager Allen Lawrence also confirmed the stupidity involved.

“Everyone knows that Konerko is fools gold. He’ll hit for a month and then shit
in your mouth…I’m not saying release the guy, god knows his wife is hot…but
Jesus get him out of your starting lineup.”

You really should expect more from the self-proclaimed manager of the future. Joey Abel did not respond to calls to his office or home for this article.

A Snoozer in Hanover

The BIGS Insider
Billy Grant

Hanover, Va--Tuesday--Things aren't really heating up in Hanover, Va this week where the Hanover Habaneros and the Dromedary Toes are deadlocked in a 3-3 tie two days into their 7 day series. "Somebody claw my eyes out please," a fan yelled during the 7th inning stretch Tuesday night, "this is like watching bowling!"

Tied at 2 runs and 6 hits a piece after 2 days there isn't much to get excited about in Habanero Hacienda Park. Tuesday night cameras caught Toes manager Mike Richards sleeping during a pivotal point in the game. Richards refused to comment about the incident. BIGS commissioner, Sam Kirby is reviewing the incident and might levy a fine later this week.

But don't count out the 6th placed Habaneros or the 8th placed Toes, both won major blowouts over the Gaywads and Rousers last week. "We are working out our legs," Habaneros manager Justin Brittle tweeted today, "we got on base so much against the Gaywads it made Whitaker look like a slut."

There is also much on the line for the Habaneros and Toes who both are flirting with missing the playoffs this year. No one needs to make it more than the historically terrible Habaneros who moved and changed their name after an embarrassing season last year. "They were 79.5 games out of first place last year," The Cream manager Nick Grey said today, "that makes the 2009 Really Stevens look like the '04 Meerkats."

Tonight will be "Hooters and Ephedra Night" at the Hacienda and all fans over 21 can take body shots off of Hooters girls. "We are hoping to get more people out tonight who will stay awake," Habaneros PR manager Jimmy Vaudeville said in a press conference today, "body shots and ephedra are Hanover Country traditions."

Kirby Losing More Than Games...

Baton Rouge - AP contributing writers

In a rash publication this week, Sam Kirby, Bigs Commish and SmearCats manager, released some scathing comments about our beloved Biscuits skipper, Joey Abel and lost a bit of respect around the league. The bulk of the story was fluff, but the main message called Abel and the Biscuit's resolve, among other things, into question. He stopped short of calling the Biscuit's 2007 championship a fraud, but the writing was on the wall. Kirby also answered a report in the Baton Rouge Advocate that claimed his club was championship-less by referencing his 2004 "victory." as proof of his pedigree. Many Baton Rougians may not remember the circumstances surrounding the Bigs in 2004 since the Biscuit's expansion year was 2005, but the five-team league was more like double-A than it was the majors. Kirby and Martinsville did in fact make the playoffs, along with everyone else in the league, and beat out the other five squads for the win.

Although Abel, in his humble and classy style, refused to comment on Kirby's fairy tale, other managers were not so forgiving. "This mother****** has **** for brains." ranted Andy Harrison, "I'd rather have diarrhea and eat it than listen to that angry little man talk." Oxford Otters manager, Whit Altizer, was also critical of Kirby's attempted defamation saying, "Sam has lost a step...I know it, he knows it, and every manager in the league knows it."

What has many Biscuit fans steaming, however is not Kirby's most recent comments, but the consistent barrage of questionable accusations the underperforming commish supplies. One local, who identified himself only as Boudreaux, commented "Eh Cher!, that Kirby's got a mouth like an ol gator, yeah...real big, but not too strong anymo." Boudreaux was asked to give further comment, but was late for his possum hunting trip in a local bayou, a common practice in the sportsman's paradise.

Boudreaux, like most Louisianians, gets around in a boat

Perhaps the biggest slight to the Biscuits was the fact that they never even saw the Bigs Trophy after the blood, sweat, and tears they gave in 2007. Kirby is still rumored to have withheld it from Abel and their were even some reports that Kirby spooned it every night for a year just to see what it felt like to not sleep alone. Many around the league recognize Abel's managing prowess and are not afraid to show it. Whit Altizer has been spotted with a "I'm with Abel" t-shirt. Habenero skipper Justin Brittle, always known for his affection towards Abel, had his middle name legally changed to Joe-Joe saying, "I love that guy, in a very homosexual way." RebelRousers skipper JP Vinson, however, perhaps said it best after placing 2nd to Baton Rouge in 2007:

"As much as I hate to say it (and most likely will regret one day), you have to give Abel credit for rallying his players throughout the playoffs. He had the toughest road to the Championship and damn if he didn't bend us all over and stick it to us like I did to Kirby's mom. I truly believe you may have witnessed the greatest championship series the BIGS has or will ever see...it was that good"

JP Vinson, who has recently been connected to racism and allegations of sexual harassment (see below), is probably regretting those comments on this day, but they certainly do capture the spirit of the Biscuits and the positive energy they bring to the BIGS year in and year out.

We've always known Vinson to be wild, but this is borderline reckless...

When asked to comment on JP Vinson's flattering comments, Abel stoically replied, "He was a worthy opponent. Worthy to eat my nut***" Abel may eat his own nut***, however, as the Biscuits road may go through Atlanta to get back to the top of the heap and silence all of his doubters. What is unclear is the role Kirby and Martinsville will play. Falling to the Rousers this week may put a playoff berth out of reach for Kirby seeing as he faces a suddenly hot Hanover club before squaring off with our home town Biscuits in the final week.

How Soon We Forget

HOW SOON WE FORGET

OR

How to re-write history- By Joey Abel

Ron Gant
The BIGs Insider

The year is 2007, Joey Abel and his Baton Rouge Biscuits win the BIG’s Championship after just squeaking into the playoffs. Abel joins recent champions JP Vinson, BS Whitaker and ST Kirby. All three are successful managers who have managed their teams into numerous playoff games.

The Biscuits, as a story, are rather boring and uneventful. The 2007 season is the only highpoint for Abel and in Biscuit’s history. Biscuit Fans find they relate better with the Cleveland Browns than with the Pittsburgh Steelers. But this story begins right before Abel’s unlikely march to playoff glory. Once again the Biscuits were teetering on missing the playoffs (Note: The Biscuits had never made the playoffs under Abel’s managing), when Abel called a meeting with Oxford Otter’s owner WP Altizer. WP Altizer was meanwhile teetering with the idea of moving his beloved Oxford Otters to South Korea to gain access to a resource rich environment and extend The BIGs brand. Altizer declined the meeting and instructed Abel to “Listen to Kirby…his methods may seem extreme, but of all the BIGs managers, he has been there the most.”

Abel did as he was instructed and called Kirby for a meeting. This meeting was a first for two managers, who through the press have never said a civil word about each other or each other's mom. "Hey, what do you want me to say?" Kirby said last season when questioned about a criticism of Abel's mom, "She is THAT fat."

Little is known about their closed-door meeting in Martinsville, but a series of trades happened afterwards and Abel made his historic run. Kirby, to his credit, has never said a word on what happened in that meeting.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, Abel kicked off what many are beginning to call "the greatest swindle." Abel with the help of Harry Jazzercise (on loan from the Boozehounds) created the myth behind the Biscuits. Shirts and hats started to sell. Peter Gammons started to give pre-season reports on the Biscuits; and the myth of the Biscuits grew and grew. In a recent fan poll 75% of fans assume that the Biscuits are a perennial playoff team in the BIGs. This is simply not the case. One simple question can shake a fan to his core:

"How many trips to the playoffs have the Biscuits made BESIDE their championship year?"

The answer will leave most BIGs fans shocked; NONE. Ouch. This team has built a reputation of always being a competitor, but owner JT Brittle put it best

"it’s more in line with JP Vinson’s mom in a smiling contest, One tooth may get you in the contest, but it doesn't come close to winning it." JP Vinson's mom was also a 1st Lieutenant guerrilla in the Peruvian Rebel Army.

The proof is in the numbers, or as they say in Richmond: “Truth is in the number of beers a girl needs before she will let Andy Harrison touch her boobies: a baker’s dozen.” In this case, the truth lies in Abel’s winning percentage: a horrific .489. Now this author doesn’t necessarily know much about winning percentage, but he does know it’s not good if it starts in the 400s.

Abel has a chance to validate the myth this year. The Biscuits are currently in fourth place and headed for a playoff berth. Standing in their way is a familiar foe: the Meerkats. The Meerkats-Biscuits meeting in Martinsville in the last game of the season is already creating quite a buzz and causing many to read the Biscuits their final rites two months early. Though it’s too early to tell what could happen, if the Biscuits miss the playoffs because of a Meerkats win this author wouldn’t be
surprised.

Biscuits Roll: Playoff Race Heats Up

Baton Rouge - AP Contributing Writers

After a roller-coaster of a week, the Biscuits stuck a dagger into Philadelphia this week to win their sixth straight and perhaps cement a place in the 2009 playoffs. The door to the top 3 seeds was also opened slightly as all 3 teams were handed lopsided losses. Abel, reached for comment after the win but before his rocky-themed victory party, stated "if I can change...and you can change...everybody can change!" This unified sentiment was echoed by PhillinPhine manager Ethan Simcox as well as evidenced by both his comments and his actions. Simcox was quoted after the loss saying, "What can I say, he had the eye of the tiger, man. The edge!" Simcox, who was beaten down like Tommy Gunn in Rocky V, also revealed a new tattoo, seen here, as a homage to Abel and his Biscuits club.

Abel, who is not Italian, but has been called "the stallion" a number of times by Sam Kirby's mother, has made a reputation around the league as a scrapper and has been connected to amazing feats. Otters manager and former Bigs Commish Whit Altizer was quoted in 2007 as saying, "Sometimes I can't even believe the bull**** this guy pulls out of his a**...One time he actually convinced me to bob for apples in a toilet bowl...and like it." Abel has also told a number of other managers that they play baseball "like a girl." Abel is also rumored to have kissed Wendy Peppercorn on the lips on a number of occasions.

What is for certain is that since the All-Star break, Abel and the Biscuits have managed to put opposing clubs in the "biggest pickle of their lives," and they hope to continue that success against the Gaywads, who have all but given up in 2009, yet managed to trade second baseman Dustin Pedroia to the contending Martinsville Fearcats. The MareCats, who have never placed better than 3rd in the Bigs, which was way back in 2006 put their hopes on the backside of slugger Albert Pujols, who has failed to meet second half expectations thus far. Despite failure year after year, Kirby remains one of the most vocal mangers and may have bitten off more than even his big mouth can chew this week against a strong Rousers team. Rousers manager, JP Vinson was reported this week calling Kirby "a strange little lady-boy" that needs to "actually produce before spouting off." Whatever happens this week, a lot of questions should be answered.

Meerkats Spank Boozehounds

Boozehounds Stay in 2nd Place Despite Being Handed their Jock

Jerry Spezio

Martinsville-AP-Though it is the dog days of summer, a feline is making his case in the Bigs this August. Last night, after a 10-3 drubbing, the Richmond Boozehounds tucked tail and ran out of Meerkats Stadium wondering just what went wrong. "This is typical Boozehound behavior," ESPN analyst Peter Gammens said today, "start out strong, but can't finish."

The 10-3 beating may keep many Richmonders out of Boozehounds park next week.

Despite the loss, the Boozehounds remain firmly in second place far ahead of the Meerkats. But the always confident Meerkats manager Sam Kirby remains arrogant about his chances at the cup. "J.P. Vinson is my whipping boy," Kirby said Sunday night, "I'm gonna hoedown all over that Texan and everyone after him." Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison, however, sounded dismal. "You never want to lose to Martinsville," Harrison said, "it is like losing a piece of your manhood."

Pujols .550 BA this week caused Sam Kirby to go public with his lust for the A.Pu. "So what?" Kirby asked the press corps who peppered him with questions about his mancrush.

Though it is always depressing to be a Richmonder, this Monday the 10th of August is especially joyless. The Boozehounds-Meerkats intrastate rivalry is one of the hottest in the Bigs dating back to the early 2000s. In a 2005 interview with Baseball Today, Harrison accused Kirby of collusion. "He and the Whales have made some very questionable deals," Harrison said in the '05 interview, "I'm not saying, I'm just saying." Kirby vehemently denied the accusations calling Harrison, "a crusty, old mangina" in a 2006 interview with ESPN. The two have traded sharp words ever since.

Varitek's future with the Boozehounds is uncertain. His .053 BA caused Boozehounds manager to call Varitek a "dick."

However, Sunday night Harrison left his sharpest words for his team. "I'd just like to personally thank a few players," Harrison said in a post game press conference, "Varitek, Tulowitzki thanks a f*ckload!"

Harrison called Troy Tulowitzi's performance "cute" but "far from cutting it."

Whales Fall: Biscuits Steamrolling Towards Playoffs

Baton Rouge - Robert Allen Stanford

With four weeks left in the season, our hometown Biscuits and manager Joey Abel are trying to leave the dramatics to another team. After topping the Whales this past week for their 5th straight win, they just might get their wish. Over the years, the Biscuits have had their share of late-season drama and hope to avoid that by continuing their winning streak this week over PhillinPhine. Who can forget the dream push and playoff run of 2007, when the resilient club squeaked into the playoffs with the bottom seed only to knock off the top three seeds in order to claim the Bigs trophy, which ironically was never in Abel's possession. That run included victories over both the Boozehounds and an unforgettable world series win over the Rousers, both of whom are virtual locks for this season's playoffs. The then #2 seed, Washington Whales, who were knocked out by the Biscuits in the 2007 NLCS, fell this past week to a balanced Biscuits club. Abel, who's latest victory party was an "under-the-sea" theme, perhaps a jab at Washington's marine mascot, was hard to reach for comment as he was seen in full scuba gear "jello-wrestling" with the same woman seen in a previous photograph performing the "ratchet." The woman, originally believed to be a member of the Kirby family, is still unidentified.

If the present success continues, this will be the Biscuits first trip back to the playoffs since that World Championship. 2008 was a roller-coaster ending with a still disputed tie with the Oxford Otters, and the Otters getting the last spot on a technicality. It doesn't look like the Otters will challenge again this year after an 11-3 clubbing by the Cream last week. Otters manager Altizer was visibly shaken at the week's press conference. When asked how this season has been, he repeated through sobs, "bittersweet....more sweet than bitter...bitter than sweet."

In other news around the league, the MeerBats lost a heart breaker to the puttering Power Rods. This was coupled with the trading of all-star shortstop Jimmy Rollins and the increasingly vocal calls for his resignation as Bigs GM at the end of the season. As the new manager union president and Bigs PR rep, Abel has been receiving messages from various clubs. Andy Lawrence, manager of the Stevens, called Abel and requested that the last place team receive the first 14 draft picks along with a "open-mouth kiss from the 3rd place team, a 'bubbly jumbler' from the 2nd place team, and a 'white dragon' from the champion." It was unclear exactly what a "bubbbly jumbler", and a "white dragon" are, but Abel assured the AP that we did not want to know. Rousers skipper JP Vinson sent Abel a hand written note on what appeared to be a napkin from the Clermont Lounge simply saying, "boobie-tassles" followed by a smiley-face. In addition, he received two anonymous messages, one of which called for a US invasion of South Korea, and the other was 17 minutes of heavy breathing and what appeared to be a sheep in the background. The origins of the messages are being investigated by authorities, and Abel hopes they won't be a distraction as the Biscuits look to stay focused on the match this week and staying on track for the playoffs.

Kirby, Meerkats part way with Rollins

The Bigs Report
Hedley Robinson

The Meerkats organization has parted with longtime shortstop and all-round Meerkat fan favorite, Jimmy Rollings. The Meerkats traded Rollins to non-contender Greenville Gaywads for Dustin Pedoria. Rollins, seen here during happier times on the phone with owner/manager Sam Kirby, has struggled the past two seasons. Kirby and Rollins had a falling out during the playoffs last year when Rollins managed only one hit, and one RBI. Afterwards Kirby harshly criticized Rollins in the Media. With the acquisition of Gordon Beckham, Kirby moved Rollins to shore up his deficiencies at second base, Pedoria fits the bill. Kirby acknowledge that it was hard to let him go, and that the Gaywads got a great deal, but "Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war."
Brian Whitaker, owner of the Gaywads, welcomed Rollins with open arms and quickly invited Rollins to a "exclusive eyes wide shut" party. Whitaker also stated "This helps the Gaywads long term, and short term, really it helps us during any term"
Around the league Managers were quietly surprised by the trade and some behind close doors have mentioned "Kirby makes Billy Bean look like Simple Jack." Missing out on the trade, The Really Stevens were said to have been offered Rollins for Chone Figgins and Wandy Rodriques but declined the offer. Fans in Salem are calling for Lawrences immediate dismissal.
With the trade deadline looming one wonders what else Kirby has up his sleeve. Other teams have more problem they will need to address. The Baton Rouge Biscuit have a definite need for a arm and some bullpen help. The Richmond Boozehounds are a house of cards and will need to shore up some defensive help and pick up some speed. The Oxford Otters should be sellers, as it's unlikely they'll make the playoffs. League badboy and all-around dick, JP Vinson of the Rebel Rousers has publicly stated that he is after a strong average at first base and will listen to all offers on his penis. The Greenville Gaywads started the bidding for Vinson's penis with Scott Rolen, but was quickly outbid by Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds (Jose Lopez). That is all from around the BIGs.

Epic Suckage Seen in Salem

The Really Stevens Define SUCK this season

By: Eric Millard

Salem, VA- At a whopping 56 games out of first place, The Really Stevens have cleared up any confusion about what the word "suck" means. The 60-80 yr old demographic has especially benefitted from The Really Stevens storybook suckage. "I get it now," one 70 year old man said outside of Stevens Park, "the Really Stevens suck donkey balls."

Surprisingly, skipper Alan Lawrence can't seem to get any breaks his way. Once described by former Bigs manager Whit Altizer as "a man with a Midas touch" and picked as "the manager most likely to make you look stupid," Lawrence has been more of a tragic hero than a mythical figure. "It's like he has fielded a team of children," They Call Me Pat manager Todd Smith said last week, "blind children."

However, Lawrence remains confident in his team having stayed mostly with his original team. "He has made as many moves a dead cat," Phillin Phine manager Ethan Simcox pointed out, "I am not seeing any life." Though the Lawrence lore lives on for those who have known him a long time, they can't help but see the reality of his team's suck factor. "Don't expect a team with Ortiz, Longoria and Soriano to flounder too long," Bigs VP Andy Harrison and longtime friend of Lawrence said, "but also don't bet on a team with Trevor Cahill still in their rotation."

Biscuits Rise Again

Baton Rouge - AP contributing writers

With the business of the BIGS 2009 Summit coming to a close, the front page news from the BIGS now has to be the outstanding play of our hometown Biscuits. Coming of there 4th straight win, the Biscuits go into Washington for a seven day road trip against the Whales. Since the heartbreaking loss to the MereCaps in week 8, the Biscuits have gone 6-2 and vaulted themselves into 4th place overall. Defying preseason expectations, the Biscuits have overachieved with most of the credit going to manager Joey Abel. The always humble Abel however put it into perspective at a recent press conference, saying "I've just gotta give all the credit to the guys that go out there and put it all on the line night after night."

Some around the league however attribute it to Abel's Billy Madison-esque parties after each weekly win. Seen above next to staff ace Javier Vasquez at his latest bash, Abel and other party-goers were entertained by Big Head Todd and the Monsters. There is also an unsubstantiated report that the woman seen in the background doing the "ratchet" is a member of the Kirby family as evidenced by her behavior and unsightly tan line. Sam Kirby was unable to be reached for comment.

Another incident reported from the celebration was a man hopping on stage during the performance of Big Head Todd's smash hit "Bittersweet," and attempting to grab the microphone before being maced by security guards. Initial reports describe the man as matching the physical description of Whit Altizer, an admitted Big Head Todd fanatic. Abel remarked, "Do I think it was Whitney, hell i hope not. Would it surprise me...not one bit. That guy once told me he gave Big Todd a hummer and a handsky to every one of the Monsters."

Abel is hoping to ride their recent wave of success all the way to the postseason, but it looks like the road will have to go through Martinsville, who face off against the Biscuits in the final week of the regular season. Abel however is focusing on each day as it comes, saying "All I'm thinking about is making Bergmann my bitch, just like Harrison, Brittle, Vinson, and whoever manages the Cream."

Day 4: Kirby and Altizer reach stalemate

Former friends, now foes agree to disagree

Gwangju, South Korea-AP-The South Korean Bigs Summit ended today on a more sour note than hoped for by both parties. Unable to come to terms on the 2010 Bigs drug testing, draft and trading policies current commissioner Sam Kirby and former commissioner Whit Altizer adjourned the 2009 Korean Bigs Summit. They smiled, shook hands and parted ways at Incheon Airport this morning with little accomplished. They did schedule an informal meeting in Virginia in early October. It is believed that they will hash out more details about the 2010 season.

There were major achievements among all the chaos of this summit. Andy Harrison was offered and accepted the Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations, Whit Altizer took the helm of Bigs PR and Joey Abel will be the official liaison with the Bigs Union and managers. But people will probably remember more about what was not accomplished than what actually was in this summit.

"We are highly disappointed that no consensus was reached on what to do with silent owners," Kirby said on his way through customs, "Whit just was asking too much." Kirby also expressed disappointment with being unable to construct a trade between the Otters and the Meerkats. Kirby confessed that he needed A and Altizer could only offer Z. "It was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole," Kirby said, "try as we might, we just could hardly agree on anything." For Altizer's part he said, "I refuse to offer one of my players as an olive branch. Kirby wanted to make our meeting look peaceful, but I'll be damned if Cano is going to be our peace pipe. Such a smoke is just going to have to wait."

Day Three: Kirby Filibusters Article 9

Kirby exhausted, Altizer annoyed

Gwangju, South Korea-AP- Behind locked doors with only former commissioner of the Bigs present, Whit Altizer, current commissioner Sam Kirby killed Article 9 proposed by Altizer earlier this week. Article 9 read that "all managers MUST pay a fine for blatant inactivity." Though Kirby is generally known for his conservative stance, he was ferverantly opposed to article 9. For three hours, Kirby debated with himself over the legitimacy of the proposal. By the end of the debate Kirby resorted to reading from a Jennifer Weiner novel he had on hand. An hour later the meeting ajourned.

Bigs followers believe Kirby's stance on the article is part of his attempt to soften his image among the league. Many have found that Kirby's membership fees and draft policies have angered the league. Last year Biscuits manager tweeted "Kirby asks me to pay a fee every year and then can't even deliver the GD Bigs trophy!!!" Strangely, Altizer himself has failed to pay the league fees siting his long service to the Bigs.

Managers are indeed happy with Kirby's strong stance on Article 9. Greenville Gaywads manager Brian Whitaker seemed delighted on his teams Facebook page. Whitaker posted the newstory to his page, but said nothing. Whitaker was under investigation for blatant inactivity under the orders of current VP Harry Jazzercise. "We will shut down the investigation on Mr. Whitaker," Jazzercise said, "but we still want the glass trophy back!"

Day Two: Andy Harrison becomes newest Bigs Exec

'Operation Rebuild Bigs' takes a strange turn

Gwangju, South Korea-AP- In the second day of talks between Bigs Commissioner Sam Kirby and former commissioner Whit Altizer the two named Andy Harrison, Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations. The move has surprised many in the league as Harrison is known for his erratic behavior and endless sex scandals with former PR director of the Boozehounds and current Bigs VP Harry Jazzercise.

It is even more surprising as Altizer has made no secret of his distrust and disdain for Harrison in the past. It is believed that Commissioner Kirby has called in a few favors with Altizer to make this deal.

But both Altizer and Kirby formed a united front to try to assuage fears that such a move would compound the problems of the Bigs. "This is neither an impulse move nor a sign of cronyism," Bigs spokesperson Ari Fleischer said at a press conference today, "we believe that Harrison is right for this post, end of story."

For all of the efforts by the Bigs to convince the people that this is the right move, Bigs managers are inconsolable. "This is bullsh*t," Biscuits manager Joey Abel tweeted today, "Harrison is a walking, talking plague." Rebel Rousers manager, JP Vinson echoed Abel's tweet today at Rousers Field during BP. "This is going to cause quite a sh*tstorm in Missouri," Vinson said "Harrison literally threw his jock in the crowd earlier this season after a controversial call, he isn't beloved in the midwest."

Supporters of Harrison point to his current success with the Boozehounds as an example of his abilities to rebuild a sinking ship. "Let's face it the Boozehounds have really sucked," Baseball Today said today, "but Andy Harrison, in almost every aspect of his life, has been able to make something out of nothing."

Operation: Rebuild the Bigs

Kirby and Altizer meet for the first time since 2007

Gwangju, South Korea--AP--Current and former Bigs commissioners Sam Kirby and Whit Altizer sat down together for the first time since Kirby took the Bigs helm two years ago. Tensions have been high between the two since Altizer abdicated his throne and took his fan favorite Oxford Otters to South Korea in 2007. Last month, the two finally came to agreement over holding peace talks in Korea this week. "I am hoping to rebuild a bridge," Kirby said at Ronald Reagan National Airport before his flight, "I think this will be vital to rebuilding the Bigs."

Kirby has been under scrutiny this year after taking a healthy Bigs and driving it almost completely into the ground. Ticket sales have been down and enthusiasm among players and personnel have been at an all time low. Many hope that Altizer's youth and progressive vision can help the Bigs out its downward spiral. "I've got high hopes," Baton Rouge Biscuits owner Joey Abel tweeted last week, "under Altizer we were on top of the world."

The meeting between the two took place over Hites and kimchi but little else is known about what the details of the meeting. However, it is clear their are plenty of matters to address. "They are playing this close to their chest," Bigs VP Harry Jazzercise said today, "I think they have a lot of personal stuff to sort through first before they get to rebuilding the league."