The Bigs 2012: Last Shot at Glory? Or A New Hope?

Associated Press
Baton Rouge - Ippy Nash

It's very possible that 2012 will be remembered as the year the world ended.  If that shit doesn't happen, the unrest and ultimate reconstruction of the beloved Bigs will be what sticks in the collective public soul.  After Martinsville Maerkat manager and weekend magician Sam Kirby's stint as league commissioner went about like when he lost his virginity, which is to say a disaster that happened in Kirby's 30's, ended in tears, and involved the sucking of thumbs, it was time for a change.  Beloved Baton Rouge Biscuits manager Joey Abel reportedly flirted with taking the helm but ultimately Richmond Boozehound skipper Andy Harrison stepped up to the plate. 

Harrison touted both his experience in the private sector and his weight, as the league crumbled around Kirby, promising stability and growth. Ultimately, it was addition by subtraction as many of the league stalwarts either jumped ship or were forced out and a number of teams from the similarly collapsing NoNuts Pacific League jumped on board.  Based primarily on the loss of their sponsor, the famous maker of nut free spreads, The Las Flamas Blancas, Oskins, Philsin5, and Shortstops Striking were left adrift and chose to merge with the remaining Bigs teams to round out a leaner, fresh league. 

 Abel was asked for his thoughts on each team and pulled no punches in his responses saying “I’m pretty sure the Oskins are that Canadian, freedom hating terrorist guy, a real wolf in sheep’s clothes if you no what I mean.”  Continuing on in true Abel fashion, he called the Shortstops a premature ejaculation, Philsin5 a failed boy band trying their hand at baseball, and made a somewhat indecipherable comment about swinging a burrito and a Mexican when asked about the Blancas.

 All in all, Abel’s familiar, albeit racist and inflammatory, remarks were a welcome sight for Biscuit fans who saw the team scrap for a spot in the playoffs only to be ousted in the first round in 2011.  It is a new year, and in many ways a new beginning for the Biscuits and the rest of the league, besides of course any team managed by Whit Altizer, who looks to remain near the bottom of the barrel as long as Altizer chooses to put his family and job ahead of the league.  Approached for comment at his new job, head engineer of the Chattanooga Choo-Choo, Altizer remained obstinately optimistic saying, “Hey, do I have a team full of 7,8, and 9 hole hitters and a bunch of noodle arms?  Sure I do! But hey, check out my great new hat!”  Reached for comment at a cemetery in Kansas City, Satchel Paige was quoted as describing Altizer as “total negro bush league.”          

KIRBY SENDS ALTIZER EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

The BIGs Insider

Peter Gammons

Jacksonville, FL

In a move the managers around the league are questioning, Meerkats owner Sam Kirby sent long time Meerkat and fan favorite Matt Holiday, Eric Hosmer and starting pitcher Josh Beckett to the Chattanooga satchels for Joey Votto and Jason Heyward. Altizer was seen leaving his office the other day with a gigantic smile. “This reminds me of the 05 season where Kirby convinced he needed a good outfielder traded me Chris Carpenter for Alou. Carpenter went on to win the Cy Young that year.” When asked how he did that year the smile quickly turned to a frown. “Well we had a mediocre year, but Kirby lost the trade, Moises Alou pissed on his hands and then on the Meerkats.” Kirby on the other hand is more mysterious with his trades. We tried reaching him at home in Martinsville, but his office did not return out calls. Analysts predict that this was a move to help increase his HR/RBI totals that he may have felt short. Whatever the thought process for this deal, the Meerkats will need Heyward to produce at his rookie level for it to work. One thing is for sure, Kirby has something up his sleeve and the league should probably worry about it. Joey Abel when reached for comment said-“That is some bullshit, I’ve been trying to get Matt Holliday on the Biscuits for 6 years-and he goes and trades him to Altizer for Joey Votto and some minor league hack-Altizer gets three gigantic pieces, but will eventually fuck it up anyhow.” New Commissioner Andy Harrison wasn’t as forgiving “I’m may veto of this because this helps Kirby somehow, I’m not exactly sure yet…but Kirby is a fucking genius at these sorts of deals” Harrison is just getting his seat warm this week, when he realized he drafted a closer that he’ll have to DL for three months. Some fans have suggested he can’t do both. “Harrison’s never been able to chew gum and walk at the same time.” “Multitasking is not his strong suit.-well tasking in general ain’t really his thing. He seems more of a delegator of bad ideas, I’m pretty sure grapefruit gum was his idea.”

Around the horn:
The Bigs say goodbye to some old teams, while four new ballclubs enter this season with hopes of glory. More to come on old friends and new managers.

Tom Whitt was arrested for throwing a fastball at Chase Utley’s knee. Shouting “I’ll give you an injury-go on the DL one more time”

Todd Smith was seen out late night in Portland with two bike messengers and a granola magnate.

Owner of the Shortstops Striking goes simply by “Brock”. Not much is known about him, and he is rarely seen in public but early Wikipedia articles suggest he is the love child of Bono and Sade.

The Baton Rouge Biscuits had a very good draft and are this year’s early favorite for the BIGs Cup. Manager Abel is not letting this get to him. “Well are we going to win the cup-shit does Altizer’s child wear and adult XL size hat?”

@CallingTheBullp

RICHMOND, VIRGINIA -- In an effort to keep Joey Abel even more in the dark, the Bigs opened a Twitter account today to help keep all managers (except Abel) up-to-date on Bigs news.

Please follow us at @CallingTheBullp

Kirby Forcefully Removed, League In Downward Spiral?

George Papadapolis
Baseball Weekly


Late last night and into early this morning there were shots fired in the BIGs commissioners’ Martinsville office. Early reports are that four managers were shot and killed. Rebel forces are acting on the behalf of Richmond Boozehound’s owner Andy Harrison. Harrison and the rebel forces are reportable upset at the direction of the league. Reporters are now calling this "Coup de Andy." Kirby was forcefully removed from office early this morning. He [Kirby] has now been placed under control of Harrison’s henchmen on Robbin Island. The KA fraternity henchmen had no comment. Kirby, obviously cannot be reached for comment. Speculation is running wild, and early discussion have the Meerkats competing regardless of how this all shakes out. Baton Rouge Biscuits owner Joe Abel commented, “fuck em, fuck em all, Harrison rebels, commissioner, otters, satchels, pats, fuckidity etc, fuck. I can’t wait to draft; this is seriously some USSR shite I’ve drafted three teams and three drafts have been forfeited. Granted all three teams sucks, but stop pulling the rug off my head, er out from under me.”
More news when it breaks, but for now, the league is in flux-Harrison is in control and it is this reporter’s opinion that while the current managers are quiet now, in a month they will be screaming to reinstate Kirby. In other news, Tom Whitt was seen holding talking to a high school shortstop.

Kirby Ousted by Coup de Andy

Billy Grant

The Bigs Insider

MARTINSVILLE, Virginia --- Sam Kirby was overthrown by Vice President of Player Development of the Bigs Andy Harrison just minutes before the Bigs scheduled draft which was mistakenly scheduled on the very evening of Mr. Kirby's wife's birthday. "Oops," Kirby said in a released statement today, "looks like I really fucked myself."

Harrison walks into Sam Kirby's wedding in 2009.

VP Harrison cited Kirby's "head up his own assness" to the violent overthrow before the draft. "This sort of irresponsible tomfoolery has gone on long enough," Harrison, who has given up cussing for Lent said today, "this makes Sam and our league look like a dipdoodle, motherfracker."

While most managers have shown an loyal allegiance to Kirby in the past, many jumped ship within seconds. "Cool," Todd Smith said at the mere mention of a new league headed by Harrison, "Kirby has run this league like a real cuntdoodle."

This is the 3rd commissioner since the Bigs inception in 2004. Kirby peacefully took over the league in 2008 from former commissioner Whit Altizer. Kirby took a league that Altizer ran into the ground and after a couple of victories ran it further into the ground. "This is how it has to be," Andy Harrison said after the coup, "Kirby will not take a fire extinguisher to this league under my watch."

Altizer leaves Korea, Kia Otters stay behind

Billy Grant

The Bigs Insider

Gwangju, SK- After eight seasons at the helm of the Otters, Whit Altizer has called it quits. "It's time to move on," Altizer said from Martinsville, Virginia today, "it's kind of like Sam Kirby's corduroys, it just isn't 2004 anymore." But unlike Kirby's unwillingness to send his cords to Goodwill, Altizer could not envision another season with the Otters. "I wish them well in the Korean league, I hope they choke on bad kimchi."

After the Earth-shattering move from Oxford to South Korea that many likened to the Dodgers moving out of Brooklyn to LA, the Otters will stay put in Gwangju. Altizer has reportedly taken a job with the expansion team the Chattanooga Satchels.

"This is a sad day for the Bigs," VP of Player Personnel Justin Brittle said today, "we lose the Blue Jays and the Otters in one fell swoop." Dubbed the "Great Castration" by foreign press, the Bigs will look to longtime Bigs teams the Biscuits and Meerkats. "We're scrambling for a publicity stunt," Commish Sam Kirby stated today, "with Abel coming out of the offseason we know one is just around the corner."

The Biscuits Mid-Season Roundup-Mediocrity's the Word

Biscuits 2011 #1 pick Adam Dunn, smiles smugly, knowing he's just gotten paid

Baton Rouge - Ippy Nash
associated press

As the midpoint in the Bigs comes and goes, the Biscuits would seem to be right where they want to be. They are at or near the top of many statistical categories. The Biscuit all stars, for the most part, have produced. They have balance and consistency that has eluded them in the past. They've beaten the top teams in the league and only suffered 3 losses all year. And yet, the Biscuits sit only fractions above .500 with an extremely tenuous grip on 6th place.

One possible explanation may be the fact that a week prior to the Biscuits worst loss of the season, a 2-10 drumming at the hands of the Braves, manager Joey Abel took the entire team to Mexico for his bachelor party. Although all players and Abel himself refused to discuss any details, stories began leaking out. Biscuit 3b Kevin Youkilus reportedly ate a small Mexican man for mocking his swing. All Star Ryan Braun was arrested for public urination and then broke out of the prison cell a la the incredible Hulk, bursting right out of the cynder block wall. Ace Jared Weaver got cornrows and promptly started winning again. Shin Choo Choo and Adam Dunn were the only two players that were not invited. Dunn coped by continuing to look like a child who's wandered into a movie theater at the plate and Choo decided to drink a bunch and drive .

All the Biscuits were in attendance at Abel's wedding and accompanied Abel and his new wife on their honeymoon, a road trip to Gastonia, NC to see the birthplace of Fred Durst. When asked how his wife handled an entire baseball team on their honeymoon, Abel responded that since he was the head of the household and she was a woman, she had no decision making power and knew better. Abel reportedly purchased his wife from the Samantha's Table, an upscale matchmaking service recommended to Abel by Sam Kirby, who also paid lots of money to secure a relationship with a girl way out of his league

If the 2 weeks following the wedding, the Biscuits have looked sharp, dispatching the Whales and the Toes in swift fashion. Hopefully the second half of the season can follow that pattern, as the crew can all take a deep breath and get to what matters most during the summer time, baseball.

In other news around the league, the 1st place Maocats barely edged the 2nd place Rousers last week, despite losing their beating heart after Albert Pujols went down with a broken wrist. More on that developing story later. Habeneros manager Justin Brittle's last ditch effort to cock-block Biscuit manager Joey Abel failed, as he ended up at the top of Mt. Rainier after falling for Abel's fake wedding invitation he received. The irony of it all was that only weeks earlier, Brittle went to the top of Mt. Rainier to meet Abel at what he thought was going to be a bachelor camp-out. Brittle commented after, "I don't care, I would have gone to the moon and back a thousand times to see him. What a prankster...he really got me good!" The Portland Pats have retired Pat Morita as their mascot and are having a fan vote for who to replace him with. The Choices are Pat, the gender ambiguous character from SNL, Patrick Stewart from Star Trek Fame and X-men, and Patrick Swayze from you need to be punched if you don't know. There was some discussion of including Neil Patrick Harris, since Pats manager and Harris both recently "came out" but it was determined that it must be first name Patrick only.