Epic Suckage Seen in Salem

The Really Stevens Define SUCK this season

By: Eric Millard

Salem, VA- At a whopping 56 games out of first place, The Really Stevens have cleared up any confusion about what the word "suck" means. The 60-80 yr old demographic has especially benefitted from The Really Stevens storybook suckage. "I get it now," one 70 year old man said outside of Stevens Park, "the Really Stevens suck donkey balls."

Surprisingly, skipper Alan Lawrence can't seem to get any breaks his way. Once described by former Bigs manager Whit Altizer as "a man with a Midas touch" and picked as "the manager most likely to make you look stupid," Lawrence has been more of a tragic hero than a mythical figure. "It's like he has fielded a team of children," They Call Me Pat manager Todd Smith said last week, "blind children."

However, Lawrence remains confident in his team having stayed mostly with his original team. "He has made as many moves a dead cat," Phillin Phine manager Ethan Simcox pointed out, "I am not seeing any life." Though the Lawrence lore lives on for those who have known him a long time, they can't help but see the reality of his team's suck factor. "Don't expect a team with Ortiz, Longoria and Soriano to flounder too long," Bigs VP Andy Harrison and longtime friend of Lawrence said, "but also don't bet on a team with Trevor Cahill still in their rotation."

Biscuits Rise Again

Baton Rouge - AP contributing writers

With the business of the BIGS 2009 Summit coming to a close, the front page news from the BIGS now has to be the outstanding play of our hometown Biscuits. Coming of there 4th straight win, the Biscuits go into Washington for a seven day road trip against the Whales. Since the heartbreaking loss to the MereCaps in week 8, the Biscuits have gone 6-2 and vaulted themselves into 4th place overall. Defying preseason expectations, the Biscuits have overachieved with most of the credit going to manager Joey Abel. The always humble Abel however put it into perspective at a recent press conference, saying "I've just gotta give all the credit to the guys that go out there and put it all on the line night after night."

Some around the league however attribute it to Abel's Billy Madison-esque parties after each weekly win. Seen above next to staff ace Javier Vasquez at his latest bash, Abel and other party-goers were entertained by Big Head Todd and the Monsters. There is also an unsubstantiated report that the woman seen in the background doing the "ratchet" is a member of the Kirby family as evidenced by her behavior and unsightly tan line. Sam Kirby was unable to be reached for comment.

Another incident reported from the celebration was a man hopping on stage during the performance of Big Head Todd's smash hit "Bittersweet," and attempting to grab the microphone before being maced by security guards. Initial reports describe the man as matching the physical description of Whit Altizer, an admitted Big Head Todd fanatic. Abel remarked, "Do I think it was Whitney, hell i hope not. Would it surprise me...not one bit. That guy once told me he gave Big Todd a hummer and a handsky to every one of the Monsters."

Abel is hoping to ride their recent wave of success all the way to the postseason, but it looks like the road will have to go through Martinsville, who face off against the Biscuits in the final week of the regular season. Abel however is focusing on each day as it comes, saying "All I'm thinking about is making Bergmann my bitch, just like Harrison, Brittle, Vinson, and whoever manages the Cream."

Day 4: Kirby and Altizer reach stalemate

Former friends, now foes agree to disagree

Gwangju, South Korea-AP-The South Korean Bigs Summit ended today on a more sour note than hoped for by both parties. Unable to come to terms on the 2010 Bigs drug testing, draft and trading policies current commissioner Sam Kirby and former commissioner Whit Altizer adjourned the 2009 Korean Bigs Summit. They smiled, shook hands and parted ways at Incheon Airport this morning with little accomplished. They did schedule an informal meeting in Virginia in early October. It is believed that they will hash out more details about the 2010 season.

There were major achievements among all the chaos of this summit. Andy Harrison was offered and accepted the Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations, Whit Altizer took the helm of Bigs PR and Joey Abel will be the official liaison with the Bigs Union and managers. But people will probably remember more about what was not accomplished than what actually was in this summit.

"We are highly disappointed that no consensus was reached on what to do with silent owners," Kirby said on his way through customs, "Whit just was asking too much." Kirby also expressed disappointment with being unable to construct a trade between the Otters and the Meerkats. Kirby confessed that he needed A and Altizer could only offer Z. "It was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole," Kirby said, "try as we might, we just could hardly agree on anything." For Altizer's part he said, "I refuse to offer one of my players as an olive branch. Kirby wanted to make our meeting look peaceful, but I'll be damned if Cano is going to be our peace pipe. Such a smoke is just going to have to wait."

Day Three: Kirby Filibusters Article 9

Kirby exhausted, Altizer annoyed

Gwangju, South Korea-AP- Behind locked doors with only former commissioner of the Bigs present, Whit Altizer, current commissioner Sam Kirby killed Article 9 proposed by Altizer earlier this week. Article 9 read that "all managers MUST pay a fine for blatant inactivity." Though Kirby is generally known for his conservative stance, he was ferverantly opposed to article 9. For three hours, Kirby debated with himself over the legitimacy of the proposal. By the end of the debate Kirby resorted to reading from a Jennifer Weiner novel he had on hand. An hour later the meeting ajourned.

Bigs followers believe Kirby's stance on the article is part of his attempt to soften his image among the league. Many have found that Kirby's membership fees and draft policies have angered the league. Last year Biscuits manager tweeted "Kirby asks me to pay a fee every year and then can't even deliver the GD Bigs trophy!!!" Strangely, Altizer himself has failed to pay the league fees siting his long service to the Bigs.

Managers are indeed happy with Kirby's strong stance on Article 9. Greenville Gaywads manager Brian Whitaker seemed delighted on his teams Facebook page. Whitaker posted the newstory to his page, but said nothing. Whitaker was under investigation for blatant inactivity under the orders of current VP Harry Jazzercise. "We will shut down the investigation on Mr. Whitaker," Jazzercise said, "but we still want the glass trophy back!"

Day Two: Andy Harrison becomes newest Bigs Exec

'Operation Rebuild Bigs' takes a strange turn

Gwangju, South Korea-AP- In the second day of talks between Bigs Commissioner Sam Kirby and former commissioner Whit Altizer the two named Andy Harrison, Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations. The move has surprised many in the league as Harrison is known for his erratic behavior and endless sex scandals with former PR director of the Boozehounds and current Bigs VP Harry Jazzercise.

It is even more surprising as Altizer has made no secret of his distrust and disdain for Harrison in the past. It is believed that Commissioner Kirby has called in a few favors with Altizer to make this deal.

But both Altizer and Kirby formed a united front to try to assuage fears that such a move would compound the problems of the Bigs. "This is neither an impulse move nor a sign of cronyism," Bigs spokesperson Ari Fleischer said at a press conference today, "we believe that Harrison is right for this post, end of story."

For all of the efforts by the Bigs to convince the people that this is the right move, Bigs managers are inconsolable. "This is bullsh*t," Biscuits manager Joey Abel tweeted today, "Harrison is a walking, talking plague." Rebel Rousers manager, JP Vinson echoed Abel's tweet today at Rousers Field during BP. "This is going to cause quite a sh*tstorm in Missouri," Vinson said "Harrison literally threw his jock in the crowd earlier this season after a controversial call, he isn't beloved in the midwest."

Supporters of Harrison point to his current success with the Boozehounds as an example of his abilities to rebuild a sinking ship. "Let's face it the Boozehounds have really sucked," Baseball Today said today, "but Andy Harrison, in almost every aspect of his life, has been able to make something out of nothing."

Operation: Rebuild the Bigs

Kirby and Altizer meet for the first time since 2007

Gwangju, South Korea--AP--Current and former Bigs commissioners Sam Kirby and Whit Altizer sat down together for the first time since Kirby took the Bigs helm two years ago. Tensions have been high between the two since Altizer abdicated his throne and took his fan favorite Oxford Otters to South Korea in 2007. Last month, the two finally came to agreement over holding peace talks in Korea this week. "I am hoping to rebuild a bridge," Kirby said at Ronald Reagan National Airport before his flight, "I think this will be vital to rebuilding the Bigs."

Kirby has been under scrutiny this year after taking a healthy Bigs and driving it almost completely into the ground. Ticket sales have been down and enthusiasm among players and personnel have been at an all time low. Many hope that Altizer's youth and progressive vision can help the Bigs out its downward spiral. "I've got high hopes," Baton Rouge Biscuits owner Joey Abel tweeted last week, "under Altizer we were on top of the world."

The meeting between the two took place over Hites and kimchi but little else is known about what the details of the meeting. However, it is clear their are plenty of matters to address. "They are playing this close to their chest," Bigs VP Harry Jazzercise said today, "I think they have a lot of personal stuff to sort through first before they get to rebuilding the league."