Biscuits Dispatch the Cats; Look towards Korea

Baton Rouge - Associated Press

Ippy Nash

Despite having the offensive breakout that Meetkat slugger Albert Pujols was waiting for, Martinsville is in utter chaos after being owned by the Baton Rouge Biscuits all week. The Biscuits took an early lead and never relinquished it, despite Cat skipper Sam Kirby's best efforts to show a lack of confidence in his team and barely make the minimum innings pitched requirement for the week.

There are a lot of questions and not a lot of answers in Martinsville after a rough start from the defending Bigs champion*. Kirby and his coaching staff have taken desperate measures to rally the fan base including dressing the players in NASCAR uniforms, initiating a "BLGT like me" get in for free night, and starting a branding campaign involving only sex and novelty items. When asked to comment about the somewhat inappropriate advertising on such things as double sided dildos with Kirby's face in the middle, merecat baseball painted anal beads, and the trashy rather than classy style thongs (seen below), Kirby answered, "Hey man, sex sells. Sam Kirby is just trying to get paid. Sam Kirby is a champion. Sam Kirby doesn't need to answer to anyone." Many in Martinsville are worried that Kirby has let last year's title* go to his head. If the Cats don't start to turn things around, his ego may be the only thing watching the team play.

Mertcat paraphernalia, found in Sam Kirby's underwear drawer. At least it's American Made

The hometown Biscuits, playing just above .500, look ahead to a week against Whit Altizer and the Kia Otters. Once highly involved in the Otter's day-to-day operations, Altizer has become increasingly absent from the clubhouse. Otter all star shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, who is notoriously passionless and ambivalent about baseball, in a recent interview commented that he thought Altizer was "phoning it in." Altizer was unable to be reached for comment, but a spokesman was able to confirm that the skipper was busy being a "responsible parent" of a baby and being a "loving husband."

Biscuits Burned; Swisher Breaks Nishioka

Baton Rouge - ap

Ippy Nash

Baton Rouge got a rude awakening this week as the hometown Biscuits fell to a strong Vancouver club. Overpowered on the mound and at the plate, Vancouver took an early lead and never relinquished. Perhaps the most surprising point of the matchup was Varmits fourth starter, Jaime Garcia. Garcia surprised many last year with a strong rookie campaign but no one could have predicted the strong start he had, outshining Varmits Aces Roy Halladay, Chris Carpenter, and Cliff Lee. Biscuits manager refused to give Garcia his due however when asked, and instead chose to question Garcia's citizenship saying, "how many Garcia's do you know that came from America...how many Garcia's you know speak American?" Abel began to rant about allowing Canadian teams into the Bigs, the disintegration of the nuclear family, and entitlement programs before being cut off by security at the press conference.

The Vancouver Varmits, celebrating their week one victory over the Biscuits

Perhaps more concerning for the Biscuits was their starting shortstop being forced onto the DL by Pats outfielder Nick Swisher. Swisher went out of his way to snap the lower half of Biscuit rookie shortstop, Tsuyoshi Nishioka's leg in two. The Pats and the Swisher have tried to downplay the incident and Nishioka even seemed not to begrudge the Pats slugger as they had what looked like a pleasant exchange at the hospital following the incident. However, when reporters were able to translate the conversation it went as follows,

Swisher: hey man, sorry about breaking your leg in half

Nishioka: Fuck you, douchebag

Swisher, seen here on the official 2011 Portland Pats media guide

Either way, the Biscuits will have to put together a stronger effort this week as they face a Habeneroes team off to a surprising hot start. When asked for a comment about it, Abel stated "You know who else is hot? The Royals. Who gives a shit?" The Habeneroes, for their part couldn't be any happier. Each week they face the Biscuits is a city wide holiday in Hanover. Reporters caught up with Habeneroes manager, Justin Brittle at a Renaissance festival this this weekend, but he was unable to comment as he was up next in the mock joust.

Portland Pats manager allegedly drunk during draft.

Hank Masters
The Oregonian

Perennial powerhouse, the Portland Pats, have struggled out of the gate this year. Reports have now surfaced that Portland Pats manager, Todd Smith, may have been heavily intoxicated during the Big’s 2011 draft.

Portland Pats second baseman, and marginal talent, Ben Zobrist.

When asked for comment, Smith replied, “Well, I don’t remember being drunk... hell, I hardly even drink.” Although he did not go so far as to confirm the accusation, he didn’t deny it either. “Honestly, if you look down our lineup card, It’s tough to believe I could've been completely sober. We’ve got a .225 batting average and four pitchers with an ERA over ten for Christ sake.”

On his thoughts for the Pat’s prospects this season Smith said, “Look, sometimes you wake up and find yourself lying next to some pasty chick, with crooked eyes, gnarly teeth, and a fat ass, that you only kinda remember picking up at the bar last night. You can either choose to slink out the back door with your shame slung heavy around your neck, or you can make the best of a bad situation. Sure her face isn’t too pretty, and there's plenty of junk in that trunk, but them titties ain’t so bad. So I choose to say, roll over Mrs. Kirby... let’s get it on.”

After taking another long swig of his Pabst Blue Ribbon, Smith added, “I think we can all agree Ben Zobrist ain’t too pretty, but I think he’s got some decent titties.”

Portland Pats starting pitcher, Phil Hughes.

16.5 ERA over the first two games.

We contacted the Hanover Habaneros skipper for his thoughts on if the Pat’s recent sub-par performance was due to Smith’s alleged alcohol problems. He had only this to say:

“Wha... we had a game a this week?”