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RICHMOND, VIRGINIA -- In an effort to keep Joey Abel even more in the dark, the Bigs opened a Twitter account today to help keep all managers (except Abel) up-to-date on Bigs news.

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Kirby Forcefully Removed, League In Downward Spiral?

George Papadapolis
Baseball Weekly


Late last night and into early this morning there were shots fired in the BIGs commissioners’ Martinsville office. Early reports are that four managers were shot and killed. Rebel forces are acting on the behalf of Richmond Boozehound’s owner Andy Harrison. Harrison and the rebel forces are reportable upset at the direction of the league. Reporters are now calling this "Coup de Andy." Kirby was forcefully removed from office early this morning. He [Kirby] has now been placed under control of Harrison’s henchmen on Robbin Island. The KA fraternity henchmen had no comment. Kirby, obviously cannot be reached for comment. Speculation is running wild, and early discussion have the Meerkats competing regardless of how this all shakes out. Baton Rouge Biscuits owner Joe Abel commented, “fuck em, fuck em all, Harrison rebels, commissioner, otters, satchels, pats, fuckidity etc, fuck. I can’t wait to draft; this is seriously some USSR shite I’ve drafted three teams and three drafts have been forfeited. Granted all three teams sucks, but stop pulling the rug off my head, er out from under me.”
More news when it breaks, but for now, the league is in flux-Harrison is in control and it is this reporter’s opinion that while the current managers are quiet now, in a month they will be screaming to reinstate Kirby. In other news, Tom Whitt was seen holding talking to a high school shortstop.

Kirby Ousted by Coup de Andy

Billy Grant

The Bigs Insider

MARTINSVILLE, Virginia --- Sam Kirby was overthrown by Vice President of Player Development of the Bigs Andy Harrison just minutes before the Bigs scheduled draft which was mistakenly scheduled on the very evening of Mr. Kirby's wife's birthday. "Oops," Kirby said in a released statement today, "looks like I really fucked myself."

Harrison walks into Sam Kirby's wedding in 2009.

VP Harrison cited Kirby's "head up his own assness" to the violent overthrow before the draft. "This sort of irresponsible tomfoolery has gone on long enough," Harrison, who has given up cussing for Lent said today, "this makes Sam and our league look like a dipdoodle, motherfracker."

While most managers have shown an loyal allegiance to Kirby in the past, many jumped ship within seconds. "Cool," Todd Smith said at the mere mention of a new league headed by Harrison, "Kirby has run this league like a real cuntdoodle."

This is the 3rd commissioner since the Bigs inception in 2004. Kirby peacefully took over the league in 2008 from former commissioner Whit Altizer. Kirby took a league that Altizer ran into the ground and after a couple of victories ran it further into the ground. "This is how it has to be," Andy Harrison said after the coup, "Kirby will not take a fire extinguisher to this league under my watch."

Altizer leaves Korea, Kia Otters stay behind

Billy Grant

The Bigs Insider

Gwangju, SK- After eight seasons at the helm of the Otters, Whit Altizer has called it quits. "It's time to move on," Altizer said from Martinsville, Virginia today, "it's kind of like Sam Kirby's corduroys, it just isn't 2004 anymore." But unlike Kirby's unwillingness to send his cords to Goodwill, Altizer could not envision another season with the Otters. "I wish them well in the Korean league, I hope they choke on bad kimchi."

After the Earth-shattering move from Oxford to South Korea that many likened to the Dodgers moving out of Brooklyn to LA, the Otters will stay put in Gwangju. Altizer has reportedly taken a job with the expansion team the Chattanooga Satchels.

"This is a sad day for the Bigs," VP of Player Personnel Justin Brittle said today, "we lose the Blue Jays and the Otters in one fell swoop." Dubbed the "Great Castration" by foreign press, the Bigs will look to longtime Bigs teams the Biscuits and Meerkats. "We're scrambling for a publicity stunt," Commish Sam Kirby stated today, "with Abel coming out of the offseason we know one is just around the corner."