More of the Same: Boozehounds top, Stevens drop

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider



Richmond---The Bigs standings look all to familar to fans this week as the Richmond Boozehounds find themselves back in first place and the Really Stevens drop to last place. "It's as if the Stevens are wearing cement shoes," Hanover manager Justin Brittle said this week, "and decided to jump in the deep-end."

And sink they have. After only 2 weeks of games they have fallen to an impossible 14 games behind. It isn't so much that they suck that infuriates the Star City but more that they weren't ever suppose to suck that really chaps the city's collective ass.

The Really Stevens' fans have been wearing this image on t-shirts of a snake-oil salesman with "Run 'em out of town" written below after falling to 14 games behind interstate rival the Boozehounds.

Hailed as a baseball genius by all in the Stevens inaugural season, Allen Lawrence has failed to produce a strong ball club in Roanoke in 5 years. "He dupped us all," Roanoke Times sports editor Donny Beamer said, "Lawrence blew into town like a snake oil salesmen but hasn't fled with the cash. He's still trying to convice the people that his stuff works!" The Stevens are hoping for some kind of magic this week to keep there small lead over the rookie-laden Short Pump Sativa.

Just a few hours northeast in Richmond, manager Andy Harrison continues his ride at the top of the Bigs. "What can I say," Harrison said in his usual smug tone, "I make the calls, but my players make the plays." But Harrison, only two question later, contradicted himself while slamming his former prep school classmate Allen Lawrence. "Can I take credit for Timmy's 4-0 start, 43Ks and 1.27 ERA? No," Harrison said, "But I can't say he would have done the same under Lawrence's command either."

Meanwhile the Kia Otters have looked strong and unfazed by the extreme time difference from most Bigs teams now finding themselves in 2nd place only a half game out. "We're living by the Korean proverb "After three years at a village schoolhouse, even a dog can recite a poem," Otters manager Whit Altizer said to Korean media this week, "we are practicing hard and licking our wounds."

Korean girl band the Wonder Girls threw out the first pitch at a Kia Otters game Wednesday night.

Korea is just now starting to come to terms with losing their star player to an American team. "It was a big blow to Korea to not get Choo that's a fact," Altizer said this week, "but after many burned effigy's and plenty of spitting in the direction of Baton Rouge our fans have found temporary peace with the disrespect shown to them." Though the Otters fans are content now, there is still an uncurrent of rage toward the Biscuits and manager Abel. The true test will come when the Biscuits and Otters meet in week 7. According to VP of Bigs Affairs Andy Harrison the Biscuits will be traveling with the Baton Rouge militia to Korea.

Rain Makes for a Soggy Biscuit; Habeneros Looking Forward to Matchup

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Local boy feeling great thanks to the Pat's bullpen.

The Oregonian

Hank Masters

In recent years, many a baseball fan has been let down by their favorite athlete. This year, the Bigs is no exception; rampant drug use and numerous homoerotic scandals have rocked the reputation of America's premier fantasy baseball league. Rick Moranis perhaps said it best in the classic film, Spaceballs, when he bemoaned: "I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes!" These days Bigs commissioner Sam (aka, Red Helmet) Kirby, knows the feeling all too well.

Portland Pat's manager, Todd Smith, wants to change that perception. That's why early in spring training, he created the Blow a Save - Save a Life Foundation. This year, every time a Pat's reliever gives up a walk-off dinger, squanders a huge lead, or just walks out and takes a dump on the mound, the Portland Pats organization will proudly donate $10,000 to the Justin Rodgers Leukemia Fund.

"Justin's a real sweet kid, who just ran into some bad luck." said Smith with a tear in his eye. "I felt I owed it to him to do what I could to help out. That's why I went into this year's draft and amassed the shittiest collection of relievers I could. Sure, their career stats were pretty solid, but I knew it could their breakout year... to suck I mean... their breakout year to suck."

And suck they have. With the exception of Bobby Jenks (clearly a cold, heartless asshole), every Pat's reliever has an ERA over 5.00, and together have combined for a staggering 6 losses in the season's first two weeks! In particular, *salad-tossing closer Frank Francisco has really stepped it up with an era to the tune 12.60 and three loses to his credit in the first week alone.

"I really can't thank Mr. Francisco enough" said cancer-boy Justin Rodgers. "He's my hero. If this keeps up, in a couple months I'll be cancer free, and by the all-star break I'll be friggin rich!"

Things are going great" exclaimed the Pat's skipper. Sure we're sinking in the standings, but sometimes you just have to do the right thing. We took a hit when Gonzo (Mike Gonzalez) hit the DL, but I'm confident we can pick up someone who will suck just as bad... who knows, maybe more!"

One can only hope Mr. Smith. I know a brave little bald kid that will be keeping his fingers crossed.

Frank Francisco and catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia

celebrate after yet another blown save.

*In baseball circles "salad" is known as a pitch which is easy to hit.

For more information on the definition of "salad-tossing" in... um, "other" circles, please contact any other Bigs manager.

Biscuits Falter Late; Questions Surround Martinsville

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Although the Biscuits fell to 0-2 on the season, eventually losing their early week lead to the start-up Sativas, bright spots in the lineup weren't the only reason for a quieter press conference in the clubhouse Sunday night. Most reporters and nearly all of the public's attention were fixed on league commissioner and Marcats manager Sam Kirby as allegations of performance enhancing drugs swirled around Martinsville and the recent hiring of former Mercat Mark McGwire as the head of Albert Pujols' entourage.

Pujols, who is on pace to hit 98 HRs and over 300 RBIs this season and has managed to keep his nose clean in this "steroid age" of baseball...until now, it seems. When asked to comment, Kirby responded saying, "Pooh Bear (Albert) wanted this...and what Pooh Bear wants, Pooh Bear gets." He went on to say something about not putting Albert in the corner, yet never managed to address the elephant in the room. Namely, the question of steroids, Kirby, and the Morcats. Unfortunately, this is only the latest in a string of allegations linking Kirby to the "cream" and the "clear."

In the offseason of 2004, Kirby was seen playing corn-hole with that Canadian doctor guy. In 05, he hired Sammy Sosa to give him Spanish lessons. In 06, Kirby was photographed riding a tandem bicycle during a celebration of the 19th century festival with Rafael Palmeiro. Kirby reportedly paid over 2 million to obtain all copies, however one has recently surfaced showing Palmeiro and his distinctive mustache and Kirby with his distinctively small stature (see below).

Even more than all the allegations of abuse, Kirby's homoerotic antics and overall inflated ego are starting to wear on some Martinsville faithful. One resident was quoted recently as saying, "How do you have the best baseball player that ever lived (Pujols), yet never manage to get better than 3rd? At some point it has more to do with the manager." This resident, later identified as Kirby's mom, seems to summarize the thoughts of many Cat fans.

One thing is for sure, if he keeps winning, all these questions will fall by the wayside. In Baton Rouge, if Joey Abel and the Biscuits keep losing, then not even this steroid abuse story will be able to quell the calls for Abel's head.

아트으스 화이팅!!! (Let's Go Otters!!!)

The following was taken from the Chosun Ilbo and translated by Lee Jung Min author of GoOttersGo!.com:

Kim Yong Hee
Chosun Ilbo

Gwangju---The Otters are forcing the Boozehounds to rethink their strategy late in the ballgame as they enter the 7th inning with a comfortable lead. "We aren't drinking the kimchi-water before eating the rice cakes," manager Whit Altizer said quoting a famous Korean proverb, "but we are making the Boozehounds look like a dish of octopus tentacles squirming for answers." Answers won't be easy to find for the Boozehounds with an Otters team that is as well oiled as an ajumma's(old woman's) oxcart full of persimmons.

Though the Boozehounds followed the playbook written by Sam Kirby of the Meerkats last week, the hole in the line-up at shortstop isn't bearing the same fruit as it did for Kirby who, without a shortstop, crushed the Baton Rouge Biscuits. "So, having Rollins out isn't working in our favor," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison told The Bigs Insider this week, "who knew the Otters actually had a backbone?"

Last week, the Kia fans rejoiced in the street having acheived two victories after an Otters win and a Biscuits defeat. Fans made signs reading "Altizer is a handsome genius guy!"; "Altizer has a tiger heart and a fish's cunning!" and less loving ones like "Joey Abel shows a duck foot."(same as "He lies") and scathing "Jabel=Japanese!!" Several weeks ago Abel set off an Anti-Abel and American sentiment across the peninsula after drafting the beloved Shin Soo Choo out from under his home country Kia Otters.

But things look bright for the Otters two weeks into their season and Korea expects continued excellence. But for the Boozehounds and Harrison, it may be time to think about an old Korean proverb "After losing a cow, one repairs the barn."

Fighting Otters!!!

Biscuits Burned; Kirby Owns Week One

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

It's getting hard to quiet the clamor in the capital city today after the Biscuits were squashed by the Mertcats in the first week of the Bigs 2010 season. Pre-season polls with Abel at the bottom of virtually every category would have been easier to ignore had the ballclub done anything at all this week to stop Kirby and the Cats from demoralizing Baton Rouge 11-2. One resident actually started a website, fireabel.com and after the loss, traffic on the site reportedly increased exponentially. When pressed by reporters, Abel had this to say about the loss:

“(Expletive) happens. Then you guys talk (expletive), “Two (expletive) games already. (Expletive) are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? (Expletive). There’s (expletive) 160 games left. Y’all (expletive) go ahead and hit for me.”

Many of the reporters scratched their heads due to the fact that this was a direct quote from Red Sox slugger David Ortiz. Before they could probe further however, Abel continued, whining about his players performance being linked to whether or not they were in his starting lineup. "Mother(expletive) goes O-fer all (expletive) week, I put him on the bench, he goes yak twice and has 3 stolen bases." Abel continued, "then...and this is the best part...I put him back in the lineup, and he strikes out 3 times and drops a routine fly ball." Abel continued to rant, taking quotes from various sources, but mostly from Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own, the skipper's favorite baseball movie.

In an effort to gain some pop and shuffle the deck a bit, Abel re-signed former Biscuit Paul Konerko to the club. He also picked up the hot bat of catcher Rob Barajas since Biscuit keeper Miguel Montero went down this week because he plays for the Biscuits. Most notable this week was the lack of production from Biscuits OF Shin Choo-Choo, who batted .143. He did belt one homerun and swiped two bases, yet this predictably happened on the Biscuits bench.

Choo, seen above at the WBC, was a highly sought draft pick this year, and the Biscuits managed to somehow take him before Kia Otters manager Whit ALtizer, who had him at the top of the draft board. Abel commented, "I had to give my kidney to some Asian guy in exchange for Choo-ey. No I'm serious, you can get almost anything for an organ in Asia these days."

In news around the league, Commish Sam Kirby has made a trip to Altizer's home country of Korea this week. His true motives are unclear, but Altizer has yet to surface after disappearing in the DMZ last week. North Korean leader, Kim Jong Il and Kirby are reportedly very close, and it has more to do than just the fact that they are the same height. Kirby may be pulling a past US president move in an attempt to extradite Altizer from the country.

This week won't prove any easier for Abel and the Biscuits as they go up against Rookie phenom Jason Heyward and the upstart Short Pump Sativas. The collective eyes of Baton Rouge will be watching to see if they can rebound from a horrible start to the season.

Week 1 Leaves Some Cities Nervous

Billy Grant
The BIGS Insider

Baton Rouge---The 2010 Bigs season is still very much in its infancy, but that does little to comfort the fans of Washington, Baton Rouge and Roanoke as they witness their teams allowing enough runs to qualify them for mercy by the slaughter rule in T-ball. "The Stevens are receiving an ass kicking of Biblical proportions," MLB.com analyst Peter Gammons noted, "it's only week one, but they need to start building an ark. Preferably one with pitching."

Skipperless Meerkats: Sam Kirby even made a trip to Korea this week to scout week 8 opponent the Kia Otters.

Meanwhile in Washington a collective groan can be heard as the Whales promising draft has done little to put runs on the board for skipper Max Bergmann. "We're not worried," the always calm and collected Bergmann said before Wednesday nights game, "with some of our stars starting the season on the bench we knew it would be a slow start." But with promising starts out of pitchers Dan Haren and Brett Anderson, Rousers manager JP Vinson is having a come to Jesus moment. "I promised the Good Lord that if I got sober he'd get me good pitching," Vinson said after Anderson's lights out start, "shit, I'll give up cursing for some bats."

While the Whales looked beached in our nation's capital, things aren't looking much better in Baton Rouge for manager Joey Abel and his seemingly uninterested squad. "Our bullpen is looking epic," Abel said late Wednesday night, "but Zambrano isn't giving them much to work with." Abel's bats are strong, but they are proving no match for the Meerkats lineup anchored by Albert Pujols. "Big Al is so good," Meerkats manager Sam Kirby said yesterday, "that we have decided to play without a shortstop." Kirby has been derided all week by baseball purist around the country for failing to replace the ailing Jose Reyes at shortstop. "Major dick move," noted the blog TheBigsAreUs.com "but vintage Kirby." The Biscuits will start controversial draft pick Shin Soo Chin in hopes of getting some numbers on the board for the uninspiring Biscuits.

Despite some lopsided games, North America and Korea seem to be happy about the 2010 Bigs baseball season. The temperatures are up, flowers are blooming and the quotes are flying out of the often abrasive Bigs managerial staff. "2010 is going to be unparallelled," Bigs VP Andy Harrison said earlier this week, "metaphorically it is going to be pony kegs and strippers."

BREAKING NEWS!

C. Thomas Howell
Baton Rouge
AP

TRADE TALKS BETWEEN MEERKATS AND BISCUITS STALL

Biscuits owner Joey Abel left NYC earlier today after trade talks between the Meerkats and Owner Mr. Kirby came to a halt. Abel and personnel coach Ron Gant left the Regency Hotel with no deal in hand to beef up his short pitching rotation. The disappointment was apparent as Mr. Abel answered only one question "Well the trade is not dead, but it may need to be defliberated with a shitload of Brittle juice." Brittle juice was a reference to fellow owner Justin Brittle's ability to produce offspring. Mr. Kirby's office did not respond to phone calls or emails. The trade in question was rumored to be a two for one deal and included some significant names. Talks broke down when a rumored Biscuits Pitcher could not pass a physical. The names involved have not been disclosed but the rumor swirled that strike out king Jonathan Sanchez was on the table. The quick analysis would suggest that the Biscuits would target a high K, high potential pitcher like Sanchez to help improve the glaring deficiency in the Biscuits rotation. Sanchez already has one no hitter under his belt and averages 10.3 K per 9 innings.