Local boy feeling great thanks to the Pat's bullpen.

The Oregonian

Hank Masters

In recent years, many a baseball fan has been let down by their favorite athlete. This year, the Bigs is no exception; rampant drug use and numerous homoerotic scandals have rocked the reputation of America's premier fantasy baseball league. Rick Moranis perhaps said it best in the classic film, Spaceballs, when he bemoaned: "I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes!" These days Bigs commissioner Sam (aka, Red Helmet) Kirby, knows the feeling all too well.

Portland Pat's manager, Todd Smith, wants to change that perception. That's why early in spring training, he created the Blow a Save - Save a Life Foundation. This year, every time a Pat's reliever gives up a walk-off dinger, squanders a huge lead, or just walks out and takes a dump on the mound, the Portland Pats organization will proudly donate $10,000 to the Justin Rodgers Leukemia Fund.

"Justin's a real sweet kid, who just ran into some bad luck." said Smith with a tear in his eye. "I felt I owed it to him to do what I could to help out. That's why I went into this year's draft and amassed the shittiest collection of relievers I could. Sure, their career stats were pretty solid, but I knew it could their breakout year... to suck I mean... their breakout year to suck."

And suck they have. With the exception of Bobby Jenks (clearly a cold, heartless asshole), every Pat's reliever has an ERA over 5.00, and together have combined for a staggering 6 losses in the season's first two weeks! In particular, *salad-tossing closer Frank Francisco has really stepped it up with an era to the tune 12.60 and three loses to his credit in the first week alone.

"I really can't thank Mr. Francisco enough" said cancer-boy Justin Rodgers. "He's my hero. If this keeps up, in a couple months I'll be cancer free, and by the all-star break I'll be friggin rich!"

Things are going great" exclaimed the Pat's skipper. Sure we're sinking in the standings, but sometimes you just have to do the right thing. We took a hit when Gonzo (Mike Gonzalez) hit the DL, but I'm confident we can pick up someone who will suck just as bad... who knows, maybe more!"

One can only hope Mr. Smith. I know a brave little bald kid that will be keeping his fingers crossed.

Frank Francisco and catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia

celebrate after yet another blown save.

*In baseball circles "salad" is known as a pitch which is easy to hit.

For more information on the definition of "salad-tossing" in... um, "other" circles, please contact any other Bigs manager.