The Biscuits Mid-Season Roundup-Mediocrity's the Word

Biscuits 2011 #1 pick Adam Dunn, smiles smugly, knowing he's just gotten paid

Baton Rouge - Ippy Nash
associated press

As the midpoint in the Bigs comes and goes, the Biscuits would seem to be right where they want to be. They are at or near the top of many statistical categories. The Biscuit all stars, for the most part, have produced. They have balance and consistency that has eluded them in the past. They've beaten the top teams in the league and only suffered 3 losses all year. And yet, the Biscuits sit only fractions above .500 with an extremely tenuous grip on 6th place.

One possible explanation may be the fact that a week prior to the Biscuits worst loss of the season, a 2-10 drumming at the hands of the Braves, manager Joey Abel took the entire team to Mexico for his bachelor party. Although all players and Abel himself refused to discuss any details, stories began leaking out. Biscuit 3b Kevin Youkilus reportedly ate a small Mexican man for mocking his swing. All Star Ryan Braun was arrested for public urination and then broke out of the prison cell a la the incredible Hulk, bursting right out of the cynder block wall. Ace Jared Weaver got cornrows and promptly started winning again. Shin Choo Choo and Adam Dunn were the only two players that were not invited. Dunn coped by continuing to look like a child who's wandered into a movie theater at the plate and Choo decided to drink a bunch and drive .

All the Biscuits were in attendance at Abel's wedding and accompanied Abel and his new wife on their honeymoon, a road trip to Gastonia, NC to see the birthplace of Fred Durst. When asked how his wife handled an entire baseball team on their honeymoon, Abel responded that since he was the head of the household and she was a woman, she had no decision making power and knew better. Abel reportedly purchased his wife from the Samantha's Table, an upscale matchmaking service recommended to Abel by Sam Kirby, who also paid lots of money to secure a relationship with a girl way out of his league

If the 2 weeks following the wedding, the Biscuits have looked sharp, dispatching the Whales and the Toes in swift fashion. Hopefully the second half of the season can follow that pattern, as the crew can all take a deep breath and get to what matters most during the summer time, baseball.

In other news around the league, the 1st place Maocats barely edged the 2nd place Rousers last week, despite losing their beating heart after Albert Pujols went down with a broken wrist. More on that developing story later. Habeneros manager Justin Brittle's last ditch effort to cock-block Biscuit manager Joey Abel failed, as he ended up at the top of Mt. Rainier after falling for Abel's fake wedding invitation he received. The irony of it all was that only weeks earlier, Brittle went to the top of Mt. Rainier to meet Abel at what he thought was going to be a bachelor camp-out. Brittle commented after, "I don't care, I would have gone to the moon and back a thousand times to see him. What a prankster...he really got me good!" The Portland Pats have retired Pat Morita as their mascot and are having a fan vote for who to replace him with. The Choices are Pat, the gender ambiguous character from SNL, Patrick Stewart from Star Trek Fame and X-men, and Patrick Swayze from you need to be punched if you don't know. There was some discussion of including Neil Patrick Harris, since Pats manager and Harris both recently "came out" but it was determined that it must be first name Patrick only.

Biscuits Dispatch the Cats; Look towards Korea

Baton Rouge - Associated Press

Ippy Nash

Despite having the offensive breakout that Meetkat slugger Albert Pujols was waiting for, Martinsville is in utter chaos after being owned by the Baton Rouge Biscuits all week. The Biscuits took an early lead and never relinquished it, despite Cat skipper Sam Kirby's best efforts to show a lack of confidence in his team and barely make the minimum innings pitched requirement for the week.

There are a lot of questions and not a lot of answers in Martinsville after a rough start from the defending Bigs champion*. Kirby and his coaching staff have taken desperate measures to rally the fan base including dressing the players in NASCAR uniforms, initiating a "BLGT like me" get in for free night, and starting a branding campaign involving only sex and novelty items. When asked to comment about the somewhat inappropriate advertising on such things as double sided dildos with Kirby's face in the middle, merecat baseball painted anal beads, and the trashy rather than classy style thongs (seen below), Kirby answered, "Hey man, sex sells. Sam Kirby is just trying to get paid. Sam Kirby is a champion. Sam Kirby doesn't need to answer to anyone." Many in Martinsville are worried that Kirby has let last year's title* go to his head. If the Cats don't start to turn things around, his ego may be the only thing watching the team play.

Mertcat paraphernalia, found in Sam Kirby's underwear drawer. At least it's American Made

The hometown Biscuits, playing just above .500, look ahead to a week against Whit Altizer and the Kia Otters. Once highly involved in the Otter's day-to-day operations, Altizer has become increasingly absent from the clubhouse. Otter all star shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, who is notoriously passionless and ambivalent about baseball, in a recent interview commented that he thought Altizer was "phoning it in." Altizer was unable to be reached for comment, but a spokesman was able to confirm that the skipper was busy being a "responsible parent" of a baby and being a "loving husband."

Biscuits Burned; Swisher Breaks Nishioka

Baton Rouge - ap

Ippy Nash

Baton Rouge got a rude awakening this week as the hometown Biscuits fell to a strong Vancouver club. Overpowered on the mound and at the plate, Vancouver took an early lead and never relinquished. Perhaps the most surprising point of the matchup was Varmits fourth starter, Jaime Garcia. Garcia surprised many last year with a strong rookie campaign but no one could have predicted the strong start he had, outshining Varmits Aces Roy Halladay, Chris Carpenter, and Cliff Lee. Biscuits manager refused to give Garcia his due however when asked, and instead chose to question Garcia's citizenship saying, "how many Garcia's do you know that came from America...how many Garcia's you know speak American?" Abel began to rant about allowing Canadian teams into the Bigs, the disintegration of the nuclear family, and entitlement programs before being cut off by security at the press conference.

The Vancouver Varmits, celebrating their week one victory over the Biscuits

Perhaps more concerning for the Biscuits was their starting shortstop being forced onto the DL by Pats outfielder Nick Swisher. Swisher went out of his way to snap the lower half of Biscuit rookie shortstop, Tsuyoshi Nishioka's leg in two. The Pats and the Swisher have tried to downplay the incident and Nishioka even seemed not to begrudge the Pats slugger as they had what looked like a pleasant exchange at the hospital following the incident. However, when reporters were able to translate the conversation it went as follows,

Swisher: hey man, sorry about breaking your leg in half

Nishioka: Fuck you, douchebag

Swisher, seen here on the official 2011 Portland Pats media guide

Either way, the Biscuits will have to put together a stronger effort this week as they face a Habeneroes team off to a surprising hot start. When asked for a comment about it, Abel stated "You know who else is hot? The Royals. Who gives a shit?" The Habeneroes, for their part couldn't be any happier. Each week they face the Biscuits is a city wide holiday in Hanover. Reporters caught up with Habeneroes manager, Justin Brittle at a Renaissance festival this this weekend, but he was unable to comment as he was up next in the mock joust.

Portland Pats manager allegedly drunk during draft.

Hank Masters
The Oregonian

Perennial powerhouse, the Portland Pats, have struggled out of the gate this year. Reports have now surfaced that Portland Pats manager, Todd Smith, may have been heavily intoxicated during the Big’s 2011 draft.

Portland Pats second baseman, and marginal talent, Ben Zobrist.

When asked for comment, Smith replied, “Well, I don’t remember being drunk... hell, I hardly even drink.” Although he did not go so far as to confirm the accusation, he didn’t deny it either. “Honestly, if you look down our lineup card, It’s tough to believe I could've been completely sober. We’ve got a .225 batting average and four pitchers with an ERA over ten for Christ sake.”

On his thoughts for the Pat’s prospects this season Smith said, “Look, sometimes you wake up and find yourself lying next to some pasty chick, with crooked eyes, gnarly teeth, and a fat ass, that you only kinda remember picking up at the bar last night. You can either choose to slink out the back door with your shame slung heavy around your neck, or you can make the best of a bad situation. Sure her face isn’t too pretty, and there's plenty of junk in that trunk, but them titties ain’t so bad. So I choose to say, roll over Mrs. Kirby... let’s get it on.”

After taking another long swig of his Pabst Blue Ribbon, Smith added, “I think we can all agree Ben Zobrist ain’t too pretty, but I think he’s got some decent titties.”

Portland Pats starting pitcher, Phil Hughes.

16.5 ERA over the first two games.

We contacted the Hanover Habaneros skipper for his thoughts on if the Pat’s recent sub-par performance was due to Smith’s alleged alcohol problems. He had only this to say:

“Wha... we had a game a this week?”

Biscuits and Varmits Clash in an Epic Opener

The only Canadian Map available to the press for this article

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Bigs opening day 2011 is finally upon us. Our hometown Biscuits lock horns with second year and surprising fourth place finisher from last year, the Vancouver Varmits. Headed up by skipper and known socialist sympathizer Tony Gallant, the team formerly known as the Blue Jays look to cement themselves as a perennial powerhouse. It is still unclear what prompted the move to Vancouver, although sources say that Canadian sensation Justin Bieber, and now Varmit spokesperson and part owner, had something to do with it. Bieber reportedly loves things that Canadians steal from America, so he naturally was keen on the idea of the only baseball club North of the border.

For his part, Biscuit manager Joey Abel has made no bones about how he feels, calling Gallant a "queer," "dirty trickster," and an "freedom hating ignoramus." Abel is always known for taking the season week by week, so it came as no surprise that he's been preparing for this week one matchup the entire offseason. Abel ran an uncharacteristically tight lipped camp this spring training, however rumors abound at the tactics he took to prepare for the Varmits. One person, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that Abel insisted that Biscuit All Star Ryan Braun, who is known for his affinity for Canadian bacon refer to it only as Freedom bacon, at the risk of being benched the entire first week. Similarly, when new Biscuit catcher Matt Wieters asked someone for a Canada Dry ginger ale, Abel reportedly went nuts, throwing chairs and ranting about god blessing only the USA and not all of North America and certainly not Central or South America. Abel also somehow managed to find a loop hole in a Louisiana law that banned concealed weapons at the ballpark. Not only are Biscuit players required to wear handguns somewhere under their uniform at all times, Biscuit Field will run promotionals for the entire opening week, called "freedom nights," passing out 9 millimeters to the first 1,000 fans.

It seems the tactics worked. Even after being shown what seems to be a reliable map of Canada (seen above), no one on the Biscuits club could locate Vancouver. 8 pointed to the great lakes, 12 pointed to Alaska. Shin-Soo Choo originally correctly identified its location, but was promptly peer pressured into switching his answer to Alaska. Choo was also reportedly asked to change his name to "the Constitution" as voted on by the players. Other choices were "Statue of Liberty," "Moral Compass of the World," and "Obesity."

This week will feature strength on strength as Gallant loaded up on a powerful pitching staff and the Biscuits look to have no shortage of bats. Around the league, the Meetkats face off against rival Otters, who may or may not be managerless. The Pats look to begin the annual beat down that the Habeneroes receive each year. The Rousers look to begin another disappointing season as they take on Bigs runner up and not so rookie anymore Braves. There is also a couple other irrelevant games being played.

S. Korea in Uproar: Altizer sends Newborn to Draft Otters

Altizer's son, seen here right before last night's draft

Ippy Nash - Associated Press

Officials in Seoul today had to order riot police to quiet crowds estimated in the thousands yesterday. Citizens took to the streets when word got out that Kia Otters manager Whit Altizer reportedly sent his new born son, to draft this years baseball team. Rage was heightened when Altizer stuck a mustache onto the child in the hopes of fooling the press and Otter faithful into thinking it was him. The stunt was unsuccessful and questions swirled around the Kia complex today. Although even a child should know better than to draft Alfonso Soriano and even the Biscuits know not to take David Ortiz before July, not everyone was outraged at the picks. When stopped on the street, Ting Tang, a software engineer commented, "This kid got Ichiro and that's a lot more than I can say for Altizer."

South Koreans in full protest

Others were not so optimistic. Some other Korean protestors, were seen burning an effigy of a mustache, which has become the common Korean symbol for the Otters due to Altizers decision to flaunt the fact that he was the only person in the country that could grow facial hair. If the middle and late rounds are where championships are made, the Otters can expect another mediocre year.

In other Bigs news, the Portland Pats drafted a severed horses head in the bed in the form of Rays utility player, Ben Zobrist. In addition, it is unclear whether Habeneroes manager Justin Brittle intentionally fixes his hair that way these days or if it was just a joke. Tony Gallant, the Varmit skipper, is currently being investigated for being Sam Kirby with a disheveled black wig. Sam Kirby is still gay despite reports he is married to a female, Mike Richards is gay by association, JP is still a pussy, Harrison is still overweight, Bergmann doesn't even exist, I know nothing about Allen Lawrence but I hate guys with two first names, and Tom Whitt, eat balls. I think that's everyone. Good luck clubs, the Bigs has begun again.

A Look Back: May 2007

Taking One For the Team

May 24, 2007

AP-Lou Hatcher Not since the premiere of "Brokeback Mountain" or Andy Harrison's KA bid night has anyone seen another take it up the butt quite like the Cubs, Biscuits, Purple Rain, Gaywads and None of the Above did last week. "It was pretty nasty," Rousers manager J.P. Vinson said of his whipping of the Gaywads, "the worse part was I got the feeling (Whitaker) kind of liked it." Vinson's Rousers continue to make fantasy baseball look easy holding steady in the top spot, and keeping the Otters in check. Experts blamed the Baton Rouge Biscuits loss this week on "ego" after Skipper Joey Abel called his team a "heavyweight" and likened his club to Ralph Macchio. Macchio commented this week, "That guy Abel violated about 10 different copyright laws and furthermore defamed my Karate Kid character by making such a comparison." Abel's office was said to have hired Boozehounds publicist Harry Jazzercize as his lawyer for the trial. Peter Gammons named the Merecats v. None of the Above as Game of the Week due to the brother v. brother headline. "I think Billy (None of the Above manager) will play psychological warfare in this one and win," Gammons said last night, "his 'big brother' tactics will ultimately prevail." Last season Sam Kirby pitched Roger Clemens after older brother Billy claimed that Sam was "too much of a pussy" to do so. Clemens was pitching for the Astros affiliate in Lexington at the time and consequently was unable to score any points for the younger Kirby.

Go West Gallant: The Blue Jays Move to Vancouver

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Vancouver---Getting an interview with Vancouver Varmints manager Tony Gallant is only slightly less difficult than getting an audience with Kim Jong ll. You need an interpreter, a guide and a shit-ton of candy. "Gallant doesn't talk," his publicist Jacques Le Cartier said via e-mail, "unless you send green colored M&Ms and enough Coffee Crisps to put a small child in a coma."
However, once you are granted permission to see the man Northeastern Canada affectionately called, "Le Geant"(the Giant) you are mesmerized by his steely, French gaze."You feel like Paula Abdul or Sandra Bullock playing opposite Keanu Reeves," Bigs Commish Sam Kirby's wife said this week, "you just kind of melt." Managers around the league agree. "He makes you want to be gay," Habaneros manager Justin Brittle said last week, "I mean all the way gay." For Rousers manager JP Vinson, Gallant presents a bit more of a homo-erotic dilemma, "Watching Tony manage is like watching a Matthew McConaughey movie, you don't know whether to turn away or masturbate."

But Gallant is facing a bit of a publicity nightmare in Canada this season as he has moved his team to Vancouver from his home province New Brunswick. "I'd of rather him moved to the United States," Gallant's mother Donna said this week, "at least then it would have felt like less of a slap in the face."

There has long been a strained history between New Brunswick and British Columbia. In many ways it has been a rivalry much in the same vein as New York and LA. "Joshua Jackson and Matt Stairs have had a feud going on that would have made Biggie and Tupac blush," the Oregonian reporter Hank Masters said, "so as you can imagine New Brunswickers find the Bluejays move to be unforgivable." Hometown friends have gone from affectionately calling Gallant, "Johnny Utah" to a more hostile, "Scalawag Fag."

Despite a cross country move that has caused soft-spoken and famous New Brunswicker, Willie O'Ree to publicly call Gallant "a douche," the Jays hope to build on a solid first season as the Vancouver Varmints. Vancouver has welcomed him with open arms. "He's Canadian, we're Canadian," Vancouver mayor Jimmy LeMartine said, "we order our double-doubles from Tim Horton's just like New Brunswickers do." Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations, Andy Harrison, kind of agreed with LeMartine. "That would probably be a good point," Harrison said from his yacht today, "if I knew what the fuck he meant."

But Gallant remains optimistic about the season. "We're pumped about this season," Gallant said through an interpreter, "we'll win our East Coast fans back over for sure." But it may take more than winning ballgames to win Gallant's family and friends back over. In New Brunswick Gallant's move West cuts deep.

Hola Habaneros

The Bigs Insider
Billy Grant

Richmond- Habaneros manager Justin Brittle is no stranger to adversity. After spending most of 2000s coaching up a Triple A team to make his way into the Bigs, Brittle again finds himself struggling with an inept team. "Most people don't remember the Triple A Chili Peppers," Brittle said during a break from spring training today, "back in the early 2000s if you walked into our stadium it would take you several innings to recognize the game of baseball was being playing in front of you." Brittle continued, "Hell, it took me half a season to realize we didn't even have anyone covering 3rd base and another half to remember to put someone there."

Eventually the Chili Peppers found their baseball legs (and third basemen) and put together several seasons to catch the eye of then Bigs Commish Whit Altizer. "What Brittle did with the Chili Peppers is akin to making blind person see," former Commish Altizer said, "but last season it looks like Brittle's squad pulled an Oedipus Rex...and decided to go deaf while they were at it."

The Habaneros finished a respectable 6th place in their first year, but last year finished 11th. "It isn't so much that they finished 11th," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison said of the Habaneros, "it is they finished behind The Really Stevens." The Really Stevens, the perennially awful Bigs ball club, is the litmus test among mangers for sucking. "Where the Habaneros seem to field a team that can neither hear or see," Toes manager Mike Richards said by phone today, "the Really Stevens seem to field a team without arms or legs."

But Brittle and the Habaneros are remaining optimistic about 2011. Expecting bigger things now that managements head is out of their own ass. "You can't reach the top without knowing there is a bottom," Brittle said sagely, "and you can't throw a man out at 3rd if no one is covering it."

Lottery Results-Unlimited Edition

David Casavacia
Greensboro, NC
BIGs Headquarters

The draft lottery results are in, and while some tears have fallen, Mr. Brittle, owner of the Habenaros beat the odds and won the 2011 Bigs Lottery. Mr. Harrison, Manager of the Richmond Boozehounds left in a hurry after promising a good result, but like last year his promises and balls ended up together in a crockpot of shite. Allen Lawrence, winner of the losers bracket finally had something to hand to his dwindling fan base, yet the five extra balls did not help, he was the first loser. Something he is becoming used to in the BIGs.

The draft lottery answered prayers from Max Bergmann who managed to upset the Boozehounds. Bergmann stated "serves that bastard [Harrison] right, he came to Washington last year and shat on our mound. Garzy ended up walking the first 5 batters trying to avoid the steamer." JP Vinson picked up the 2nd spot and was happy about it. "We're just happy to be here, I've seen some good years in the BIGs, but last year Kirby put on a clinic." The 2011 BIGs draft order is below. Congratulations to the Habenaros.

No kimchi: Choo spurns Otters

Gwangju- A nation mourns this Saturday after Choo Shin Soo re-signed with the Baton Rouge Biscuits after a solid year for the ball club. "He was alright," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said at Biscuits headquarters today, "but this is more of a middle finger to Altizer (Otters skipper) and the nation of South Korea."

In a nation that has long disdained the Japanese and Anton Apollo Ohno now put Abel at the top of their list. Last year when Abel stole Choo from the Otters with promises of all the kimchi po' boys he could eat, South Korea erupted in protests. Effigy's of Abel burned in the street and security had to be upped when the Biscuits came to Korea. An anti-Abel rally is scheduled for Sunday in Seoul.

"It just got personal," Otters skipper Whit Altizer said from Gwangju by telephone, "having Sandra Oh throw out the first pitch of the season is one thing, but taking Choo from us for another season makes it feel like Abel is trying to hijack this country. What a 똥구멍."