Biscuits 2011 #1 pick Adam Dunn, smiles smugly, knowing he's just gotten paidBaton Rouge - Ippy Nash
associated press
associated press
As the midpoint in the Bigs comes and goes, the Biscuits would seem to be right where they want to be. They are at or near the top of many statistical categories. The Biscuit all stars, for the most part, have produced. They have balance and consistency that has eluded them in the past. They've beaten the top teams in the league and only suffered 3 losses all year. And yet, the Biscuits sit only fractions above .500 with an extremely tenuous grip on 6th place.
One possible explanation may be the fact that a week prior to the Biscuits worst loss of the season, a 2-10 drumming at the hands of the Braves, manager Joey Abel took the entire team to Mexico for his bachelor party. Although all players and Abel himself refused to discuss any details, stories began leaking out. Biscuit 3b Kevin Youkilus reportedly ate a small Mexican man for mocking his swing. All Star Ryan Braun was arrested for public urination and then broke out of the prison cell a la the incredible Hulk, bursting right out of the cynder block wall. Ace Jared Weaver got cornrows and promptly started winning again. Shin Choo Choo and Adam Dunn were the only two players that were not invited. Dunn coped by continuing to look like a child who's wandered into a movie theater at the plate and Choo decided to drink a bunch and drive .
All the Biscuits were in attendance at Abel's wedding and accompanied Abel and his new wife on their honeymoon, a road trip to Gastonia, NC to see the birthplace of Fred Durst. When asked how his wife handled an entire baseball team on their honeymoon, Abel responded that since he was the head of the household and she was a woman, she had no decision making power and knew better. Abel reportedly purchased his wife from the Samantha's Table, an upscale matchmaking service recommended to Abel by Sam Kirby, who also paid lots of money to secure a relationship with a girl way out of his league
If the 2 weeks following the wedding, the Biscuits have looked sharp, dispatching the Whales and the Toes in swift fashion. Hopefully the second half of the season can follow that pattern, as the crew can all take a deep breath and get to what matters most during the summer time, baseball.
In other news around the league, the 1st place Maocats barely edged the 2nd place Rousers last week, despite losing their beating heart after Albert Pujols went down with a broken wrist. More on that developing story later. Habeneros manager Justin Brittle's last ditch effort to cock-block Biscuit manager Joey Abel failed, as he ended up at the top of Mt. Rainier after falling for Abel's fake wedding invitation he received. The irony of it all was that only weeks earlier, Brittle went to the top of Mt. Rainier to meet Abel at what he thought was going to be a bachelor camp-out. Brittle commented after, "I don't care, I would have gone to the moon and back a thousand times to see him. What a prankster...he really got me good!" The Portland Pats have retired Pat Morita as their mascot and are having a fan vote for who to replace him with. The Choices are Pat, the gender ambiguous character from SNL, Patrick Stewart from Star Trek Fame and X-men, and Patrick Swayze from you need to be punched if you don't know. There was some discussion of including Neil Patrick Harris, since Pats manager and Harris both recently "came out" but it was determined that it must be first name Patrick only.
