The Bigs 2012: Last Shot at Glory? Or A New Hope?

Associated Press
Baton Rouge - Ippy Nash

It's very possible that 2012 will be remembered as the year the world ended.  If that shit doesn't happen, the unrest and ultimate reconstruction of the beloved Bigs will be what sticks in the collective public soul.  After Martinsville Maerkat manager and weekend magician Sam Kirby's stint as league commissioner went about like when he lost his virginity, which is to say a disaster that happened in Kirby's 30's, ended in tears, and involved the sucking of thumbs, it was time for a change.  Beloved Baton Rouge Biscuits manager Joey Abel reportedly flirted with taking the helm but ultimately Richmond Boozehound skipper Andy Harrison stepped up to the plate. 

Harrison touted both his experience in the private sector and his weight, as the league crumbled around Kirby, promising stability and growth. Ultimately, it was addition by subtraction as many of the league stalwarts either jumped ship or were forced out and a number of teams from the similarly collapsing NoNuts Pacific League jumped on board.  Based primarily on the loss of their sponsor, the famous maker of nut free spreads, The Las Flamas Blancas, Oskins, Philsin5, and Shortstops Striking were left adrift and chose to merge with the remaining Bigs teams to round out a leaner, fresh league. 

 Abel was asked for his thoughts on each team and pulled no punches in his responses saying “I’m pretty sure the Oskins are that Canadian, freedom hating terrorist guy, a real wolf in sheep’s clothes if you no what I mean.”  Continuing on in true Abel fashion, he called the Shortstops a premature ejaculation, Philsin5 a failed boy band trying their hand at baseball, and made a somewhat indecipherable comment about swinging a burrito and a Mexican when asked about the Blancas.

 All in all, Abel’s familiar, albeit racist and inflammatory, remarks were a welcome sight for Biscuit fans who saw the team scrap for a spot in the playoffs only to be ousted in the first round in 2011.  It is a new year, and in many ways a new beginning for the Biscuits and the rest of the league, besides of course any team managed by Whit Altizer, who looks to remain near the bottom of the barrel as long as Altizer chooses to put his family and job ahead of the league.  Approached for comment at his new job, head engineer of the Chattanooga Choo-Choo, Altizer remained obstinately optimistic saying, “Hey, do I have a team full of 7,8, and 9 hole hitters and a bunch of noodle arms?  Sure I do! But hey, check out my great new hat!”  Reached for comment at a cemetery in Kansas City, Satchel Paige was quoted as describing Altizer as “total negro bush league.”          

KIRBY SENDS ALTIZER EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

The BIGs Insider

Peter Gammons

Jacksonville, FL

In a move the managers around the league are questioning, Meerkats owner Sam Kirby sent long time Meerkat and fan favorite Matt Holiday, Eric Hosmer and starting pitcher Josh Beckett to the Chattanooga satchels for Joey Votto and Jason Heyward. Altizer was seen leaving his office the other day with a gigantic smile. “This reminds me of the 05 season where Kirby convinced he needed a good outfielder traded me Chris Carpenter for Alou. Carpenter went on to win the Cy Young that year.” When asked how he did that year the smile quickly turned to a frown. “Well we had a mediocre year, but Kirby lost the trade, Moises Alou pissed on his hands and then on the Meerkats.” Kirby on the other hand is more mysterious with his trades. We tried reaching him at home in Martinsville, but his office did not return out calls. Analysts predict that this was a move to help increase his HR/RBI totals that he may have felt short. Whatever the thought process for this deal, the Meerkats will need Heyward to produce at his rookie level for it to work. One thing is for sure, Kirby has something up his sleeve and the league should probably worry about it. Joey Abel when reached for comment said-“That is some bullshit, I’ve been trying to get Matt Holliday on the Biscuits for 6 years-and he goes and trades him to Altizer for Joey Votto and some minor league hack-Altizer gets three gigantic pieces, but will eventually fuck it up anyhow.” New Commissioner Andy Harrison wasn’t as forgiving “I’m may veto of this because this helps Kirby somehow, I’m not exactly sure yet…but Kirby is a fucking genius at these sorts of deals” Harrison is just getting his seat warm this week, when he realized he drafted a closer that he’ll have to DL for three months. Some fans have suggested he can’t do both. “Harrison’s never been able to chew gum and walk at the same time.” “Multitasking is not his strong suit.-well tasking in general ain’t really his thing. He seems more of a delegator of bad ideas, I’m pretty sure grapefruit gum was his idea.”

Around the horn:
The Bigs say goodbye to some old teams, while four new ballclubs enter this season with hopes of glory. More to come on old friends and new managers.

Tom Whitt was arrested for throwing a fastball at Chase Utley’s knee. Shouting “I’ll give you an injury-go on the DL one more time”

Todd Smith was seen out late night in Portland with two bike messengers and a granola magnate.

Owner of the Shortstops Striking goes simply by “Brock”. Not much is known about him, and he is rarely seen in public but early Wikipedia articles suggest he is the love child of Bono and Sade.

The Baton Rouge Biscuits had a very good draft and are this year’s early favorite for the BIGs Cup. Manager Abel is not letting this get to him. “Well are we going to win the cup-shit does Altizer’s child wear and adult XL size hat?”