The Bigs 2012: Last Shot at Glory? Or A New Hope?

Associated Press
Baton Rouge - Ippy Nash

It's very possible that 2012 will be remembered as the year the world ended.  If that shit doesn't happen, the unrest and ultimate reconstruction of the beloved Bigs will be what sticks in the collective public soul.  After Martinsville Maerkat manager and weekend magician Sam Kirby's stint as league commissioner went about like when he lost his virginity, which is to say a disaster that happened in Kirby's 30's, ended in tears, and involved the sucking of thumbs, it was time for a change.  Beloved Baton Rouge Biscuits manager Joey Abel reportedly flirted with taking the helm but ultimately Richmond Boozehound skipper Andy Harrison stepped up to the plate. 

Harrison touted both his experience in the private sector and his weight, as the league crumbled around Kirby, promising stability and growth. Ultimately, it was addition by subtraction as many of the league stalwarts either jumped ship or were forced out and a number of teams from the similarly collapsing NoNuts Pacific League jumped on board.  Based primarily on the loss of their sponsor, the famous maker of nut free spreads, The Las Flamas Blancas, Oskins, Philsin5, and Shortstops Striking were left adrift and chose to merge with the remaining Bigs teams to round out a leaner, fresh league. 

 Abel was asked for his thoughts on each team and pulled no punches in his responses saying “I’m pretty sure the Oskins are that Canadian, freedom hating terrorist guy, a real wolf in sheep’s clothes if you no what I mean.”  Continuing on in true Abel fashion, he called the Shortstops a premature ejaculation, Philsin5 a failed boy band trying their hand at baseball, and made a somewhat indecipherable comment about swinging a burrito and a Mexican when asked about the Blancas.

 All in all, Abel’s familiar, albeit racist and inflammatory, remarks were a welcome sight for Biscuit fans who saw the team scrap for a spot in the playoffs only to be ousted in the first round in 2011.  It is a new year, and in many ways a new beginning for the Biscuits and the rest of the league, besides of course any team managed by Whit Altizer, who looks to remain near the bottom of the barrel as long as Altizer chooses to put his family and job ahead of the league.  Approached for comment at his new job, head engineer of the Chattanooga Choo-Choo, Altizer remained obstinately optimistic saying, “Hey, do I have a team full of 7,8, and 9 hole hitters and a bunch of noodle arms?  Sure I do! But hey, check out my great new hat!”  Reached for comment at a cemetery in Kansas City, Satchel Paige was quoted as describing Altizer as “total negro bush league.”