Biscuits and Varmits Clash in an Epic Opener

The only Canadian Map available to the press for this article

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Bigs opening day 2011 is finally upon us. Our hometown Biscuits lock horns with second year and surprising fourth place finisher from last year, the Vancouver Varmits. Headed up by skipper and known socialist sympathizer Tony Gallant, the team formerly known as the Blue Jays look to cement themselves as a perennial powerhouse. It is still unclear what prompted the move to Vancouver, although sources say that Canadian sensation Justin Bieber, and now Varmit spokesperson and part owner, had something to do with it. Bieber reportedly loves things that Canadians steal from America, so he naturally was keen on the idea of the only baseball club North of the border.

For his part, Biscuit manager Joey Abel has made no bones about how he feels, calling Gallant a "queer," "dirty trickster," and an "freedom hating ignoramus." Abel is always known for taking the season week by week, so it came as no surprise that he's been preparing for this week one matchup the entire offseason. Abel ran an uncharacteristically tight lipped camp this spring training, however rumors abound at the tactics he took to prepare for the Varmits. One person, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that Abel insisted that Biscuit All Star Ryan Braun, who is known for his affinity for Canadian bacon refer to it only as Freedom bacon, at the risk of being benched the entire first week. Similarly, when new Biscuit catcher Matt Wieters asked someone for a Canada Dry ginger ale, Abel reportedly went nuts, throwing chairs and ranting about god blessing only the USA and not all of North America and certainly not Central or South America. Abel also somehow managed to find a loop hole in a Louisiana law that banned concealed weapons at the ballpark. Not only are Biscuit players required to wear handguns somewhere under their uniform at all times, Biscuit Field will run promotionals for the entire opening week, called "freedom nights," passing out 9 millimeters to the first 1,000 fans.

It seems the tactics worked. Even after being shown what seems to be a reliable map of Canada (seen above), no one on the Biscuits club could locate Vancouver. 8 pointed to the great lakes, 12 pointed to Alaska. Shin-Soo Choo originally correctly identified its location, but was promptly peer pressured into switching his answer to Alaska. Choo was also reportedly asked to change his name to "the Constitution" as voted on by the players. Other choices were "Statue of Liberty," "Moral Compass of the World," and "Obesity."

This week will feature strength on strength as Gallant loaded up on a powerful pitching staff and the Biscuits look to have no shortage of bats. Around the league, the Meetkats face off against rival Otters, who may or may not be managerless. The Pats look to begin the annual beat down that the Habeneroes receive each year. The Rousers look to begin another disappointing season as they take on Bigs runner up and not so rookie anymore Braves. There is also a couple other irrelevant games being played.

S. Korea in Uproar: Altizer sends Newborn to Draft Otters

Altizer's son, seen here right before last night's draft

Ippy Nash - Associated Press

Officials in Seoul today had to order riot police to quiet crowds estimated in the thousands yesterday. Citizens took to the streets when word got out that Kia Otters manager Whit Altizer reportedly sent his new born son, to draft this years baseball team. Rage was heightened when Altizer stuck a mustache onto the child in the hopes of fooling the press and Otter faithful into thinking it was him. The stunt was unsuccessful and questions swirled around the Kia complex today. Although even a child should know better than to draft Alfonso Soriano and even the Biscuits know not to take David Ortiz before July, not everyone was outraged at the picks. When stopped on the street, Ting Tang, a software engineer commented, "This kid got Ichiro and that's a lot more than I can say for Altizer."

South Koreans in full protest

Others were not so optimistic. Some other Korean protestors, were seen burning an effigy of a mustache, which has become the common Korean symbol for the Otters due to Altizers decision to flaunt the fact that he was the only person in the country that could grow facial hair. If the middle and late rounds are where championships are made, the Otters can expect another mediocre year.

In other Bigs news, the Portland Pats drafted a severed horses head in the bed in the form of Rays utility player, Ben Zobrist. In addition, it is unclear whether Habeneroes manager Justin Brittle intentionally fixes his hair that way these days or if it was just a joke. Tony Gallant, the Varmit skipper, is currently being investigated for being Sam Kirby with a disheveled black wig. Sam Kirby is still gay despite reports he is married to a female, Mike Richards is gay by association, JP is still a pussy, Harrison is still overweight, Bergmann doesn't even exist, I know nothing about Allen Lawrence but I hate guys with two first names, and Tom Whitt, eat balls. I think that's everyone. Good luck clubs, the Bigs has begun again.

A Look Back: May 2007

Taking One For the Team

May 24, 2007

AP-Lou Hatcher Not since the premiere of "Brokeback Mountain" or Andy Harrison's KA bid night has anyone seen another take it up the butt quite like the Cubs, Biscuits, Purple Rain, Gaywads and None of the Above did last week. "It was pretty nasty," Rousers manager J.P. Vinson said of his whipping of the Gaywads, "the worse part was I got the feeling (Whitaker) kind of liked it." Vinson's Rousers continue to make fantasy baseball look easy holding steady in the top spot, and keeping the Otters in check. Experts blamed the Baton Rouge Biscuits loss this week on "ego" after Skipper Joey Abel called his team a "heavyweight" and likened his club to Ralph Macchio. Macchio commented this week, "That guy Abel violated about 10 different copyright laws and furthermore defamed my Karate Kid character by making such a comparison." Abel's office was said to have hired Boozehounds publicist Harry Jazzercize as his lawyer for the trial. Peter Gammons named the Merecats v. None of the Above as Game of the Week due to the brother v. brother headline. "I think Billy (None of the Above manager) will play psychological warfare in this one and win," Gammons said last night, "his 'big brother' tactics will ultimately prevail." Last season Sam Kirby pitched Roger Clemens after older brother Billy claimed that Sam was "too much of a pussy" to do so. Clemens was pitching for the Astros affiliate in Lexington at the time and consequently was unable to score any points for the younger Kirby.

Go West Gallant: The Blue Jays Move to Vancouver

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Vancouver---Getting an interview with Vancouver Varmints manager Tony Gallant is only slightly less difficult than getting an audience with Kim Jong ll. You need an interpreter, a guide and a shit-ton of candy. "Gallant doesn't talk," his publicist Jacques Le Cartier said via e-mail, "unless you send green colored M&Ms and enough Coffee Crisps to put a small child in a coma."
However, once you are granted permission to see the man Northeastern Canada affectionately called, "Le Geant"(the Giant) you are mesmerized by his steely, French gaze."You feel like Paula Abdul or Sandra Bullock playing opposite Keanu Reeves," Bigs Commish Sam Kirby's wife said this week, "you just kind of melt." Managers around the league agree. "He makes you want to be gay," Habaneros manager Justin Brittle said last week, "I mean all the way gay." For Rousers manager JP Vinson, Gallant presents a bit more of a homo-erotic dilemma, "Watching Tony manage is like watching a Matthew McConaughey movie, you don't know whether to turn away or masturbate."

But Gallant is facing a bit of a publicity nightmare in Canada this season as he has moved his team to Vancouver from his home province New Brunswick. "I'd of rather him moved to the United States," Gallant's mother Donna said this week, "at least then it would have felt like less of a slap in the face."

There has long been a strained history between New Brunswick and British Columbia. In many ways it has been a rivalry much in the same vein as New York and LA. "Joshua Jackson and Matt Stairs have had a feud going on that would have made Biggie and Tupac blush," the Oregonian reporter Hank Masters said, "so as you can imagine New Brunswickers find the Bluejays move to be unforgivable." Hometown friends have gone from affectionately calling Gallant, "Johnny Utah" to a more hostile, "Scalawag Fag."

Despite a cross country move that has caused soft-spoken and famous New Brunswicker, Willie O'Ree to publicly call Gallant "a douche," the Jays hope to build on a solid first season as the Vancouver Varmints. Vancouver has welcomed him with open arms. "He's Canadian, we're Canadian," Vancouver mayor Jimmy LeMartine said, "we order our double-doubles from Tim Horton's just like New Brunswickers do." Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations, Andy Harrison, kind of agreed with LeMartine. "That would probably be a good point," Harrison said from his yacht today, "if I knew what the fuck he meant."

But Gallant remains optimistic about the season. "We're pumped about this season," Gallant said through an interpreter, "we'll win our East Coast fans back over for sure." But it may take more than winning ballgames to win Gallant's family and friends back over. In New Brunswick Gallant's move West cuts deep.

Hola Habaneros

The Bigs Insider
Billy Grant

Richmond- Habaneros manager Justin Brittle is no stranger to adversity. After spending most of 2000s coaching up a Triple A team to make his way into the Bigs, Brittle again finds himself struggling with an inept team. "Most people don't remember the Triple A Chili Peppers," Brittle said during a break from spring training today, "back in the early 2000s if you walked into our stadium it would take you several innings to recognize the game of baseball was being playing in front of you." Brittle continued, "Hell, it took me half a season to realize we didn't even have anyone covering 3rd base and another half to remember to put someone there."

Eventually the Chili Peppers found their baseball legs (and third basemen) and put together several seasons to catch the eye of then Bigs Commish Whit Altizer. "What Brittle did with the Chili Peppers is akin to making blind person see," former Commish Altizer said, "but last season it looks like Brittle's squad pulled an Oedipus Rex...and decided to go deaf while they were at it."

The Habaneros finished a respectable 6th place in their first year, but last year finished 11th. "It isn't so much that they finished 11th," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison said of the Habaneros, "it is they finished behind The Really Stevens." The Really Stevens, the perennially awful Bigs ball club, is the litmus test among mangers for sucking. "Where the Habaneros seem to field a team that can neither hear or see," Toes manager Mike Richards said by phone today, "the Really Stevens seem to field a team without arms or legs."

But Brittle and the Habaneros are remaining optimistic about 2011. Expecting bigger things now that managements head is out of their own ass. "You can't reach the top without knowing there is a bottom," Brittle said sagely, "and you can't throw a man out at 3rd if no one is covering it."

Lottery Results-Unlimited Edition

David Casavacia
Greensboro, NC
BIGs Headquarters

The draft lottery results are in, and while some tears have fallen, Mr. Brittle, owner of the Habenaros beat the odds and won the 2011 Bigs Lottery. Mr. Harrison, Manager of the Richmond Boozehounds left in a hurry after promising a good result, but like last year his promises and balls ended up together in a crockpot of shite. Allen Lawrence, winner of the losers bracket finally had something to hand to his dwindling fan base, yet the five extra balls did not help, he was the first loser. Something he is becoming used to in the BIGs.

The draft lottery answered prayers from Max Bergmann who managed to upset the Boozehounds. Bergmann stated "serves that bastard [Harrison] right, he came to Washington last year and shat on our mound. Garzy ended up walking the first 5 batters trying to avoid the steamer." JP Vinson picked up the 2nd spot and was happy about it. "We're just happy to be here, I've seen some good years in the BIGs, but last year Kirby put on a clinic." The 2011 BIGs draft order is below. Congratulations to the Habenaros.

No kimchi: Choo spurns Otters

Gwangju- A nation mourns this Saturday after Choo Shin Soo re-signed with the Baton Rouge Biscuits after a solid year for the ball club. "He was alright," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said at Biscuits headquarters today, "but this is more of a middle finger to Altizer (Otters skipper) and the nation of South Korea."

In a nation that has long disdained the Japanese and Anton Apollo Ohno now put Abel at the top of their list. Last year when Abel stole Choo from the Otters with promises of all the kimchi po' boys he could eat, South Korea erupted in protests. Effigy's of Abel burned in the street and security had to be upped when the Biscuits came to Korea. An anti-Abel rally is scheduled for Sunday in Seoul.

"It just got personal," Otters skipper Whit Altizer said from Gwangju by telephone, "having Sandra Oh throw out the first pitch of the season is one thing, but taking Choo from us for another season makes it feel like Abel is trying to hijack this country. What a 똥구멍."