Epic Suckage Seen in Salem

The Really Stevens Define SUCK this season

By: Eric Millard

Salem, VA- At a whopping 56 games out of first place, The Really Stevens have cleared up any confusion about what the word "suck" means. The 60-80 yr old demographic has especially benefitted from The Really Stevens storybook suckage. "I get it now," one 70 year old man said outside of Stevens Park, "the Really Stevens suck donkey balls."

Surprisingly, skipper Alan Lawrence can't seem to get any breaks his way. Once described by former Bigs manager Whit Altizer as "a man with a Midas touch" and picked as "the manager most likely to make you look stupid," Lawrence has been more of a tragic hero than a mythical figure. "It's like he has fielded a team of children," They Call Me Pat manager Todd Smith said last week, "blind children."

However, Lawrence remains confident in his team having stayed mostly with his original team. "He has made as many moves a dead cat," Phillin Phine manager Ethan Simcox pointed out, "I am not seeing any life." Though the Lawrence lore lives on for those who have known him a long time, they can't help but see the reality of his team's suck factor. "Don't expect a team with Ortiz, Longoria and Soriano to flounder too long," Bigs VP Andy Harrison and longtime friend of Lawrence said, "but also don't bet on a team with Trevor Cahill still in their rotation."