How Soon We Forget

HOW SOON WE FORGET

OR

How to re-write history- By Joey Abel

Ron Gant
The BIGs Insider

The year is 2007, Joey Abel and his Baton Rouge Biscuits win the BIG’s Championship after just squeaking into the playoffs. Abel joins recent champions JP Vinson, BS Whitaker and ST Kirby. All three are successful managers who have managed their teams into numerous playoff games.

The Biscuits, as a story, are rather boring and uneventful. The 2007 season is the only highpoint for Abel and in Biscuit’s history. Biscuit Fans find they relate better with the Cleveland Browns than with the Pittsburgh Steelers. But this story begins right before Abel’s unlikely march to playoff glory. Once again the Biscuits were teetering on missing the playoffs (Note: The Biscuits had never made the playoffs under Abel’s managing), when Abel called a meeting with Oxford Otter’s owner WP Altizer. WP Altizer was meanwhile teetering with the idea of moving his beloved Oxford Otters to South Korea to gain access to a resource rich environment and extend The BIGs brand. Altizer declined the meeting and instructed Abel to “Listen to Kirby…his methods may seem extreme, but of all the BIGs managers, he has been there the most.”

Abel did as he was instructed and called Kirby for a meeting. This meeting was a first for two managers, who through the press have never said a civil word about each other or each other's mom. "Hey, what do you want me to say?" Kirby said last season when questioned about a criticism of Abel's mom, "She is THAT fat."

Little is known about their closed-door meeting in Martinsville, but a series of trades happened afterwards and Abel made his historic run. Kirby, to his credit, has never said a word on what happened in that meeting.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, Abel kicked off what many are beginning to call "the greatest swindle." Abel with the help of Harry Jazzercise (on loan from the Boozehounds) created the myth behind the Biscuits. Shirts and hats started to sell. Peter Gammons started to give pre-season reports on the Biscuits; and the myth of the Biscuits grew and grew. In a recent fan poll 75% of fans assume that the Biscuits are a perennial playoff team in the BIGs. This is simply not the case. One simple question can shake a fan to his core:

"How many trips to the playoffs have the Biscuits made BESIDE their championship year?"

The answer will leave most BIGs fans shocked; NONE. Ouch. This team has built a reputation of always being a competitor, but owner JT Brittle put it best

"it’s more in line with JP Vinson’s mom in a smiling contest, One tooth may get you in the contest, but it doesn't come close to winning it." JP Vinson's mom was also a 1st Lieutenant guerrilla in the Peruvian Rebel Army.

The proof is in the numbers, or as they say in Richmond: “Truth is in the number of beers a girl needs before she will let Andy Harrison touch her boobies: a baker’s dozen.” In this case, the truth lies in Abel’s winning percentage: a horrific .489. Now this author doesn’t necessarily know much about winning percentage, but he does know it’s not good if it starts in the 400s.

Abel has a chance to validate the myth this year. The Biscuits are currently in fourth place and headed for a playoff berth. Standing in their way is a familiar foe: the Meerkats. The Meerkats-Biscuits meeting in Martinsville in the last game of the season is already creating quite a buzz and causing many to read the Biscuits their final rites two months early. Though it’s too early to tell what could happen, if the Biscuits miss the playoffs because of a Meerkats win this author wouldn’t be
surprised.