Abel Responds, Martinsville Struggling

Are the MearKats really just paper tigers???

Baton Rouge - AP

Contributing Writers

Amidst a barrage of insults and verbal diarrhea from Bigs Commish and Martinsville manager Sam Kirby, Biscuits manager has managed to keep his cool, the cool that's permeated the Biscuits clubhouse all year. Poised for a deep playoff run in 09, the formerly flamboyant and reckless Abel has managed to tone down his tirades, and it seems to be catching on in the locker room. Amid personal attacks this week from Kirby, beleaguered Biscuits firstbaseman Paul Konerko remained calm when asked to comment on the most recent s***storm. "What are you gonna do? When a guy is under 5'6", he tends to harbor some animosity. Will it affect my play, no way." He may be referring to what experts call "short-man" syndrome.

Short-man syndrome, according to an anonymous MaerCat team doctor, occurs when a man, who is well below average male height compensates by wearing an enormous chip on his shoulder. It has been associated with over-aggressive behavior and a lack of the ability to "just chill." Does Kirby have this? "Absolutely" says the team doctor, who asked not to be identified for fear of the dreaded Kirby "tummy-sticks" punishment. Regardless of Kirby's neuroses, Abel stands by his slugger. "Pauly is in a little slump...it's not a huge deal. The other guys have stepped up and that's what Biscuits do."

In other news around the league, rumors are swirling about bribes payed to Biscuits opponent Gaywads to actually play this week. The Gaywads, who have long since given up and stopped managing, which is what a chick would do, mysteriously awoke to make a blockbuster trade with the Merecats. Jimmy Rollins, one half of the trade sat on the bench suspiciously until this week, against Baton Rouge. The manager of the gaywads was unable to be reached for comment and Kirby's involvement is being investigated. Abel again responded with an even keel saying, "We're just worried about the Biscuits...the other clubs can do what they want." It is not just the merecats and the Gaywads that have been mentioned. JP Vinson, who has laid-down this week against Kirby and Martinsville has reportedly gone on "vacation" to the "beach." Could Kirby have set Vinson up in one of his fabled "Tiki-Huts?" on the Alabama coast? What is perhaps most ironic is that despite playing a lame duck, Kirby and the Cats are still losing to the Rousers. Whether that score holds remains to be seen, but this reporter, along with many in Baton Rouge and around the nation, want some answers.