A Black Eye For the Commissioner

Jesse Balls

TMZ

As recently reported, Bigs commissioner and Meerkat manager, Sam Kirby, attended the Washington Nationals game this past Tuesday to scout phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg. Shortly after the game, Kirby was spotted sporting a fresh black eye. When asked by TMZ reporters about how he got the shiner Kirby responded “Uh... um, my wife likes to hit me... she gets pretty aggressive after a few Yuenglings.” Always known more for his brain than his brawn, this seemed like a reasonable answer. By the next morning, however; several eye witness accounts began to arise which disputed Kirby’s story. A fan seated near Kirby, claims he saw Short Pump Sativa manager, Tom Whitt, come down and and talk to Kirby around the 3rd inning. “This crazy red-headed dude was flicking off and yelling shit at Strasburg all game long. I thought Mr. Whitt was coming down to shut him up, but he just shook his hand and sat next to him.” Apparently, the civility ended there, however.

While Strasburg was mowing down Pittsburgh Pirates with uncanny ease, Whitt was seen taunting Kirby and becoming increasingly loud. On several occasions Whitt was heard cursing and even seen thrusting his pelvis with clenched fists towards the now somber commissioner.

Multiple witness accounts say the scene reached its climax just before the 7th inning stretch. “All I know is, I see Mr. Whitt spring from his seat and yell “Did you see that shit!? Fourteen fucking strikeouts! Championship here I come!” The next thing I know the Meerkat guy is rolling on the ground holding his face in his hands” said Nationals fan Archie Simpson.

When TMZ reporters confronted Kirby Wednesday afternoon with this new found evidence, the Meerkat Manager, took a page from Jim Joyce’s playbook and fessed up. “What can I say...” said Kirby, “Whitt got a little too excited about his new pitcher and jabbed me in the eye with his... um, with his “short pump.” Trying to downplay the obviously awkward situation, Kirby added, “look, it’s not the first I’ve been smacked in the face by a penis, and it probably won’t be the last. It’s really not a big deal.”

When asked for comment, Whitt made no apologies. “Can you really blame me?” he said. “Did you see that kid’s fastball? Fucking nasty.” Obviously still brimming with confidence, he added this message to his fellow Bigs managers: “Everyone laughed when I drafted a team of rookies. Well, who’s laughing now bitches.”

The Meerkats and Sativas meet once more – this time on the fantasy ball field – in week 14 of the Bigs 2010 season. For the sake of all the families and children in attendance, let’s hope the crack of wood will only be heard when the players’ bats hit the ball.