Commish celebrates successful draft, 33rd birthday

Billy Grant

The BIGS Insider

Grundy, VA--In what might go down as the "most congenial" draft in Bigs history, the draft of 2010 was still full of twists, turns, missed opportunities and firsts. "I couldn't even ruffle Kirby's feathers," instigator and Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations Andy Harrison lamented, "he was a stonewall to my lobs of abuse, well, either that or he was in charge of Meerkats, Whales and the Toes drafts."

The biggest tussle came when Biscuits manager Joey Abel drafted Choo Shin Soo, a player that many believed to be heading to the Kia Otters and a move that angered Otters manager Whit Altizer and his Korean fan base. Today Abel is being slammed by Korean papers who are referring to him as "악취 물고기" or "stink fish." Abel is also being blamed for the anti-American protests going on in major cities around the country. "On the ground in Korea, Mr. Abel has put a bullet in the knee of America-Korea diplomatic relations by taking Choo," said Korean analyst Joon Sun Il, "it seemed premediated and cruel."

Biscuits manger Joey Abel has set off anti-American sentiment in the streets of Korea.

But in a league with managers traditionally known for their unpleasantries toward each other the talk was remarkably positive. Many Bigs analysts have linked this cordial behavior to the absence of an intoxicated JP Vinson and an antagonistic Brian Whitaker of the folded Greenville Gaywads. "It's kind of sad," Bigs writer Dwayne Wayne said yesterday, "it's like when your drunk uncle doesn't show up to Thanksgiving dinner to put your pretentious aunt in her place."

Many baseball publications are also reporting that the reclusive manager of the Whales Max Bergmann was present for his team's draft. "I was sitting right next to him," Commissioner Sam Kirby said to the Big's Insider, he was very involved in who was picked up resulting in one hell of a team." Strangly, Kirby, who has been accused of being the real manager of the Whales, was the only one to see or hear anything out of Bergmann. Officials are still looking into the legitamacy of Kirby's claims.

Buster Posey, a Meerkat for a minute.

New manager Tom Whitt also raised some eyebrows when drafting a team of rookies that are still only putting up numbers in the minor leagues. "C'mon, I want to see how they do," Whitt said cavalierly, "this ain't no money league." Portland Pats owner Todd Smith was unappreciative of Whitt's take on the Bigs. "Clearly Mr. Whitt doesn't know about the Bigs Trophy and I don't plan on letting him have it so easily."

Overall, the league is pleased with the draft and its positive tone. Today all managers are heading to Washington DC to celebrate the opening of the 2010 season and to celebrate Commish Kirby's 33rd birthday. "Wings, a chick jumping out of a cake, Jason Mraz....it's going to be sweet," Hanover Habernero's manager Justin Brittle said of the party, "I plan on getting college frat boy drunk."