Baton Rouge - APIppy Nash - Freelance Journalist
Responding to reports that two alley cats were mating or fighting, depending on which of the complaints you go by, police found Sam Kirby attempting to break in to a local D.C. area cathedral last night. The noise turned out to be coming from Kirby as he was found by police huddled in the fetal position outside the church's front door sucking a bloody thumb at 3am Friday morning. Kirby was initially unresponsive and for the first hour after he was apprehended, the only words authorities could make out of what one policeman called "jibba-jabba," were "Matty," and "Pooh-Bear." Believed to be references to Mertcat stars Matt Holliday and Albert Pujols, Kirby may be reacting to the recent news that both Cat sluggers have missed spring training games due to ambiguous rib and back injuries.
The official D.C. police report alleges Kirby tried to claw his way through the cathedral door using only his fingernails. Once Kirby calmed down, or came down, as one officer described it, he admitted trying to enter the cathedral in a pitiful attempt to illicit a higher power so that his entire season is not a complete failure. Since no actual crime was committed, Kirby was released with a disturbing the peace citation and ordered to serve an undisclosed amount of community service hours.
Kirby declined comment on the issue but a maercat spokesman released the following statement on the Martinsville website, "Mr. Kirby would first like to apologize to his smokin hot wife and sister, along with the rest of his family, who are all better looking than him. Secondly, he would offer apologies to Washington National Cathedral and to all the residents of the metro D.C. area."
That apology may be enough to quell the chatter for a while, but the bigger question remains. Will the Cat superstars be ready for opening day, or will these injuries plague the club all year and sink the meancats to the bottom of the Bigs?
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