Biscuits Ready for Season; Otters Manager Missing

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Questions and accusations are swirling around Biscuit Spring Training camp regarding some questionable draft picks by skipper Joey Abel. Abel's job, and head, were being called for when he took a chance on Carlos Pena, the physical first basemen with loads of power, but with question marks around his low batting avg. Abel was unruffled by the comments saying, "Hey, why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free...You know what I mean?" This inapplicable quote confused reporters to silence, then they were distracted as Ryan Braun walked by with two women doing chin ups on his dick.

Abel was also unfazed by the increasingly negative reports on the Biscuits club this year. "It's tough to play with a target on your back year in and year out," remarked Abel when asked about the other clubs around the league. Abel went on, "if we listened to what Kermit the frog said every year, we'd be dressin in trench coats tryin to f*** pigs all day." Baton Rouge, who holds a Bigs trophy and came up just short in the semis last year to eventual champ Richmond, was picked last in both the preseason polls and the draft analysis. Biscuit captain, Kevin Youkilis also weighed in to the preseason debate saying, "Well, I guess we oughta just give up then, huh?" Youkilis then projected a piece of chew from his lip that landed directly in ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian's eye. Before allowing him to leave for the hospital, Youkilis forced Kurjian to shave his head. "I like it when Timmy does it," remarked Youk before an unidentified Biscuit staffer abruptly ended the blatant display of masculine superiority.

In other news around the league, Otter Manager Whit Altizer has reportedly gone missing and was last seen doing cartwheels along the border between North and South Korea. Cartwheels and Peace llc. , or CAP, is a non-profit organization founded by Altizer's wife Lindsay, but Whit has increased he and the Otters participation in the organization in recent years. Otter catcher and Korean peninsula fan favorite, Kurt Suzuki speaking through an interpreter was quoted as saying, "Yeah, we haven't touched a baseball all season, bunch of calisthenics, mostly cartwheels. Also, I'm not Korean. I was born in Hawaii. I speak English, I don't need this interpreter."

The photo seen here is the last known of Altizer, and shows him giving a group of Korean reporters a presentation on a myriad of topics including baseball, CAP, and the best way to avoid a cock-block from Habenero manager Justin Brittle, rumored to be the best cock-blocker in all the land with little to no effort. The entire Korean peninsula is holding their breath and incoming news will be posted soon.