Biscuits Not Satisfied at .500

Altizer, seen above on a South Korean billboard may be focusing too much on his abs, and not on the Otters

Associated Press

Ippy Nash

Baton Rouge - To his wife's dismay, Kia Otters manager Whit Altizer's modeling career in South Korea is taking off. Unfortunately, that success is not translating to the baseball field. Despite having the best offensive week of their lives, the Otters could not manage to hold off the Biscuits and fell all the way to 9th place. For the Biscuits and their manager, Joey Abel, this could be exactly what Baton Rouge needs to right the ship after a rocky start to the 2010 season.

Abel has made no secret of his theory that major league baseball starts and stops with the Biscuits, whom he believes are responsible for real-life players' ups and downs. It is hard to ignore the fact that despite being tops in almost all offensive categories and in many pitching stats, Abel and the Biscuits sit only at .500. I suppose that would be a welcome record for bottom feeding teams such as the Stevens, habaneros, and the Otters. Habaneros skipper Justin Brittle was quoted as saying, "I'd give my great buddy Joey Abel a handskey to be at .500 right now." This may not be applicable due to the fact that Brittle has been quoted numerous times offering to give Abel a hand job, sometimes with no expectation of any retribution or reciprocation. .500 is not however something Baton Rouge has come to expect from their home town team. The Biscuits track record of success could be one reason why many teams seem to rise to the occasion when they are playing the Abel's squad.

Big's Commish and Morecat manager Sam Kirby was asked about Abel's team and responded, "Hey, you can't argue with the guys success. Does he have a target on his back? Let me just say that I think he has a target on his ass." Kirby, seen below with a woman entirely too hot to be his wife has somehow managed to stay near the top of the heap, despite going through a team wide slump. The reverse could be true for Kirby, as many teams look at the matchup with the Meecats as an easy win, and therefore slack off in preparation and mid-week management.

This week's matchup has been no different for the Biscuits, who are locked up with the Northside Blue jays. Despite never have batting above .250 as a team this year, the Jays are hitting well over .300 and confusing Biscuit batters by throwing nearly 20 shutout innings. Jays manager Tony Gallant was asked earlier this week about facing the incredibly patriotic Abel but no one could understand a word he said, due to his accent. During Abel's pregame press conference, he was quoted as saying, "Mr. Gay-lant needs to learn to speak American." He also went on to propose a wall on America's northern border and insisted everyone refer to him as Joe six pack. Abel spent the remainder of the press conference refusing to believe that Keanu Reeves was Canadian.

With there recent performance on the field, Abel and the Biscuits bought some breathing room. Hopefully, the Bigs Northern expansion team will come back down to reality and help the Biscuits avoid their first loss since week 4.

Kim Jaeb-ul: South Korea finds a New Antagonist

The Bigs Insider

Billy Grant

Gwangju--This week calls for Whit Altizer's job are echoing throughout South Korea, but promises for Joey Abel's head rang even louder. Koreans, who have a gift for grudges, have been unable to let go of the fact that Abel stole Shin Soo Choo from the Otters in the 2010 Bigs draft, and they have become even angrier about his dismantling of the Otters last week. "He son-uh-bitch," one unidentified Korean shouted at an Abel effigy last night, "Jaeb-ul sucks smelly fish," yelled another.

Joey Abel insulting Korea during a recent press conference.

Koreans have shown more anger recently over their loss to their hated rivals, the Biscuits, than they have for North Korea and Kim Jong-il. The press is now calling Joey Abel "Kim Jaeb-ul" (김쳅을) and many Koreans are seeking to bar Abel from the peninsula for life. Korean immigration released a statement today saying "Joey Abel's prescence in South Korea is toxic and we are looking at how we can make this explosive situation better for Korea."

Altizer and Abel facing off in a one-on-one pick-up ice hockey match this winter.

But Abel is no stranger to hostility. Just ask the women that lived on sorority row at Louisiana State University in the early 2000s. If there was one thing they hated more than Auburn or Sig-Ep, it was Joey Abel. "Yeah, like, he said he loved me," Mary Ellen Johnson (now Redd) said in 2003 echoing many others, "but I turned out to be just another notch on his belt."

Not only has Abel made enemies in his personal life, but he continues to ruffle the feathers of those in the Bigs for his questionable business ethics and for his constant degradation of his opponents. Every manager has a story. "He called us 'a bunch of hillibillies,'" Rebel Rousers J.P. Vinson remembered, "and said he 'should be allowed to implement 'jus primae noctis' in our state to weed out the stupid' in Mississippi." "He called the citizens of Portland 'high falutin hippies,'" Todd Smith said, "who care more about the texture of their latte milk than a base hit." Taking a shot at Sam Kirby and the Meerkats he suggested he "wasn't surprised" that Martinsville wasn't in the textile business anymore because "besides for Tom Whitt who wears sweatsuits anymore?" Bluejays manager Tony Gallant told Le Monde that Abel is a "le basterd" for his unprintable comments about Canadians.

So Abel is taking the hate aimed at him in stride climbing to 6th place this week. "Hey, we're at .500 right now," Abel said from his home in Baton Rouge, "that's good enough to get a blow job by (another manager's)** wife."

**edited to protect the innocent

AROUND THE HORN-WEDDING STYLE

Andy Harrison got married over the weekend and in perfect harmony hosted a BIGs meeting. Allen Lawrence managed to show up even though his team hasn't all year. The Salem's Stevens are in danger of winning less than .30% of their games, that would be a first in the BIGs. As you can imagine Lawrence is on the hot seat in Salem.

Former BIGs manager Brian Whitaker was also in attendance. Early discussion involved him becoming a owner again but talks stalled around a 400 foot pool he could fill with Mountain Dew. He is still a boob and after one title still holds the BIGs Crystal hostage.

Rouser and Habeneros had the best game of the week. Rouser squeaked out a 1 run victory in the ninth. JP Vinson had this to say "Brittle, god love the guy, but Cordero f'd him...and I'll take that any day of the week." It was definitely a tough road loss for Brittle who for the first time has his team headed to the playoffs.

The Pats love Canada and it showed. They traveled to New Brunswick and managed to treat the bluejays like blueballs. Todd Smith spoke in perfect french when he said "yes, yes. the pen in on the table."

Can you hear that sound? Yes the heartbreaking sound, the tears hitting the ground? That is the hopes and dreams of one nation being crushed by the American "stoneballs" of Joey Abel. News out of Gwanjiu was obviously hard on Altizer and for the record "Shin-Soo Choo now has "stoneballs" as no Korean will ever sleep with him again and therefore never have children." Choo managed to hit 2 HRs and bat .346 against his heartland, but it was his runs and RBIs that did in the Otters.

Mike Richards and the Dromedary Toes tells Tom Whitt and his youngsters to get off his lawn with an easy victory over the Short Pump Sativa. Whitt was schedule to attend Harrison's wedding/trade negotiations but was a no-show after the registration he was ridiculed endlessly over his love of "young talent" .

And finally the Martinsville Meerkats refused to sign the guestbook at Andy Harrison's wedding. Harrison scheduled the wedding to coincide with the Meerkats/Boozehounds grudge match. Horrible planning on Harrison's part as the Meerkats rubbed the Boozehounds face all through the cake, easily winning 9-4, moving the Kats to 2nd place.

The man, the myth, the SOB: A look into the life of Commish Kirby

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Martinsville--Sam Kirby eats dry oatmeal for breakfast("Modern-day nails," he says). After a pumping gold bullion weights("Keeping it real"), he goes for a run on his elephant-skin treadmill("Better on my knees."). Kirby is a man that few people know and even less people understand.

On top of the world: In the off-season Kirby maintains a tea farm where he employs 6-12 year old migrant workers at $2.00 an hour. "If not me than who?" Kirby asks.

Kirby the current Bigs baseball commissioner, manager of the Martinsville Meerkats and the Director of Baseball Operations for the Washington Whales keeps a busy schedule. Juggling three major franchises seems like too much for many, but not for a man who gathers much of his energy from maple and brown sugar oatmeal. "He's a tireless worker," Kirby's personal assistant Harry Jazzercise said of Kirby, "and a gigantic pervert."

A man with few true friends: Kirby looks out his front gate at the outside world who loves and fears him.

Managers around the league respect and fear Kirby much like citizens fear a ruthless tyrant. "Last year he fined me for looking at him funny," Portland Pats manager Todd Smith said, "then he made me pay the fine in Yoruba currency. Imagine asking for that at your local bank." "He runs the league with an ironfist," MLB.com analyst Peter Gammons said of Kirby "and lives life like a bull in a china shop."

Kirby's success has come at the cost of lasting partnerships. For example, the flight of the longtime Bigs team, the Greenville Gaywads, was a result of Kirby's unparalleled hubris. "Kirby made it look like I wanted out," manager Brian Whitaker said last week, "but he was trying to broker a deal that would require me to give him weekly foot massages. Even though Sam has beautiful feet, good enough for him to be a foot model for women's shoes, I walked out the door."

But few can dispute the fact that right now Kirby has a baseball team in second place, another in third and a league that is reaping the benefits of his leadership. And despite his questionable lifestyle his hometown is still buying into the Kirby brand. "We can't keep oatmeal in stock," Betty West manager of the Winn Dixie in Martinsville said, "people are even eating it dry in the check-out line."

Biscuits crush Otters, A Nation Mourns

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Gwangju- Stores were looted, cars were burned and children went to bed without their kimchi Sunday night in Gwangju after the Biscuits toppled the Otters 9-3 in the late innings of this week's most watched match-up. The Biscuits's victory lifted the franchise to sixth place and pushed the ailing Otters down to 9th and under .500. "Fuck," Otters manager Whit Altizer said in the post-game conference, "motherfuck."

The Otters came out of the gates strong and with bats blazing, but the Biscuits bullpen proved too much for the Otters in the early innings. Late in the week the Biscuits made a strong surge with their bats. The always smug Joey Abel credited his teams, "bravery" and "patriotism" for their ability to beat down the Korean powerhouse. "We made 'em look stupid, sho' nuff," said the coonass Abel at Incheon Airport, "and I took great pleasure in it."

After seven weeks of intense back and forth and growing anger over the Biscuits acquisition of Korean born Shin Soo Choo, the Otters and their fans seemed unable to direct their emotions into baseball. Some have even blamed Mariano Rivera's poor performance on the Otters' choice of game entertainment. "It is clear that Mo got cold between the 8th and 9th innings," Peter Gammons wrote yesterday on MLB.com, "believe it or not it takes a while for a 9-foot Joey Abel effigy to burn."

The Otters travel to Martinsville this week in hopes of cooling down the simmering Meerkats while the Biscuits stay on the road traveling to see Tony Gallant and his French-speaking Blue Jays. "Gallant better get ready," Joey Abel said on his way onto the Biscuits jet, "I didn't pack my olive branch."

Abel and the Biscuits arrive in Korea

The Bigs Insider

Billy Grant

Gwangju- Crowds gathered in the streets of Gwangju yesterday to protest the arrival of hated manager Joey Abel and his ballclub the Baton Rouge Biscuits. Despite efforts to change the venue to Baton Rouge, Abel and his ballclub showed up in Korea early Monday morning amidst angry citizens. Many gathered at the Gwangju airport holding signs that read: "Crazy Cow Abel," "Abel is slippery eel" and "Choke on a Hamburger." The Biscuits received tight security and an escort to their hotel that usually only heads of state receive.

GoFYourself-This woman spoke an international language to Abel in the Biscuits at Gwangju Airport.

"We are doing what we can to keep Abel safe," Otters manager Whit Altizer said to BIGS.Com today, "but Koreans are passionate about what they don't like, and right now they are directing all of their disdain toward Joey and the Biscuits."

Tensions cooled down this April in Gwangju while the Otters enjoyed a 3-0 start. But with an 0-2 skid fresh in the minds of Otters fans, Biscuit hatred has flared back up. Some Kia fans have even tried to link the skid to Biscuits manager Joey Abel. "Abel is the cause for our angst," Kim Jeong-Ho told the Korea Times, "and the cause for our recent misfortunes."

Otters fans tried to get close to Abel and the Biscuits while hurling bottles and insults.

Abel, for his part, has done little to cool tensions between Louisiana and Korea. Last week, Abel committed two cardinal sins by insulting Korean cuisine and confusing Korea with Japan. "Kimchi smells like Kevin Youkilis's jockstrap in October," Abel said when the Korea Herald asked about his knowledge of the kimchi. When Yonhap News asked if Abel enjoyed any other Korean dishes he said, "Yeah, I love Korean food, I eat sushi all the time." Koreans responded with burning the 8th effigy of Abel in the streets.

"We're happy to be in Korea playing the Otters," Abel told the press today, "but damn it sure does smell like rotting fish."

Biscuits and Boozehounds Split; Otters Will be Ready

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

When asked if he was happy with a 7-7 split with the Boozehounds this week, Biscuits manager Joey Abel replied, " Andy (Harrison) bobs for apples in toilets...and LIKES IT!" Abel was pressed by reporters for rational responses to the myriad of questions surrounding a Biscuits team that is playing below .500 so far this year, but all they received were quotes from The Sandlot. Abel went on to say things about a pickle, the beast, P.F. Flyers, and was especially concerned about not being able to have some more of nothing. Hopefully a bout against Whitney Altizer and the rival Otters can right the Biscuits' ship and help Abel regain his composure at the helm.

The Kia Otters, formerly the Oxford Otters, after starting the season 3-0 are currently in a skid after losing their second straight this past week and there are some serious questions swirling around Altizer and the Otters from top to bottom. Kia executives, who have typical asian like expectations for perfection, are demanding a better showing and the Korean public are demanding Altizer make a trade for or pick up a Korean born player. The only thing that has kept the organization from folding is a united hatred for Biscuit manager Joey Abel. It has been well documented that Abel drafted Korean hero Sin Choo Choo very early, perhaps only to spite Altizer and the Otters. Thousands will gather in Korea this week to watch the matchup between these clubs, and Abel has taken steps to drum up some hype here in the states. He has set up a jumbo-tron in Oxford Mississippi, who hates Altizer more than black people for taking the team overseas.

Fortunately for the Biscuits, the Otters players are performing about as well as Sam Kirby did on his wedding night. Most notably, Otters closer and captain Mariano Rivera blew a save last week when he gave up a grand slam to Really Stevens outfielder Jason Kubel. The last time that happened, Ronald Reagan was in office, and Rivera seen below following that game, was 16. If the Biscuits can put together a complete performance, this rival may turn into a blowout

Not a big fan of the Bigs

The Oregonian

Hank Masters

Everyone knows Pat Robertson hates abortion, Obama, and gay people, but they probably don't know that he loves baseball. A lifelong Texas Rangers fan, and reigning CBN fantasy baseball league champion, Pat knows a thing or two about America's pastime. It's no secret, however; that Robertson is not a fan of the Bigs fantasy baseball leagues. "It's full of USA haters, homos, and even worse - democrats" he famously stated back in 2006.

This past Sunday, on his weekly show the 700 Club, Robertson let loose another furious tirade against the Bigs fantasy baseball league. Apparently, he was not too happy this spring to hear the announcement of a new expansion team from the great white North, the Northside Blue Jays. "This is obviously part of Obama's leftist agenda." Robertson ranted. "My close friend Sarah, has told me Canada is full of nothing but hockey-loving socialist homos. She can see Canada from her house, you know." He further added, "This is baseball. It's okay to blow a call. It's okay to blow a save. But it is not okay to blow your shortstop."

Blue Jays manager and apparent "socialist homo", Tony Gallant, is seen here "coaching" shortstop Derek Jeter on the proper fielding stance.

Gallant was not the only target of Robertson's fury, however; even bigs commissioner, and perennial underachiever, Sam Kirby, was targeted for his latest show of team spirit.

Robertson had this to say on Kirby's well known man crush of Albert Pujols "The Meerkats pro-gay agenda will surely only lead him to spending the year in the bottom of the standings... and an eternity burning in hell... there's that too."

"And don't even get me started on the Kia Otters, and that commie manager of theirs" Robertson bemoaned. "At least his team doesn't suck this year. Lord I pray that the Portland Pats kick their USA-hating butts this week."

Amen to that Pat. Amen.

Breaking News: Braden pitches perfect game to spite Lawrence

The Bigs Insider
Billy Grant

Roanoke--Dallas Braden threw his hand up in the air after Gabe Kapler grounded out to shortstop to finish the 19th perfect game in MLB history while Stevens manager Allen Lawrence looked on passively. Lawrence tried repeatedly to take Braden out in a game that he clearly owned, but in a show of insubordination Braden refused to give up the ball.

"He knew I had the stuff," Braden said after the game, "but he kept calling me a 'saboteur.' I don't know if it was reverse psychology but his incessant trips to the mound just got me more fired up to throw strikes." Manager Allen Lawrence has been ridiculed recently for throwing the season just a month into it. "The Stevens are terrible," Commissioner Sam Kirby said last week, "they're like a lame horse that needs to be shot...desperately."

But Braden may have lit a fire in the slumping Stevens. "I don't know about a fire," Braden said, "but maybe I bought Skip some time in Roanoke."

In Search of Hope in an Under .500 City

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider


Hanover- John Dixon wakes every morning and raises his Hanover Habaneros flag up the flag pole that rises from the middle of his immaculate rock garden in his manicured front yard, a tradition he has kept for three years now. "The Habaneros make my world go round," Dixon said stoically before swallowing a bitter pill, "but one more month of this and I'll have to shift my support to the Short Pump Sativa."

Dixon like many others in Hanover County, Virginia rise, fall and stumble with the Habaneros, but have found they are nearing the end of their rope with Skipper Justin Brittle and his losing record. "I know it's early," Dixon said, "but this is just another chapter in a bad book with no plot twists, just more of the same. This guy couldn't lead a fly to a turd."


The Habaneros find themselves in the under .500 club this May with hated rival the Baton Rouge Biscuits, and interstate rivals the Dromedary Toes and the Really Stevens. In these other cities one will find the same angry and frustrated fans like John Dixon.

In Baton Rouge this week Biscuits fans united with Korean-Americans in anti-Abel rallies that have united Korean populations around the world. "What Abel has done to USA-Korea relations is wrong," Peter Gammons said this week, "but what he has done to Baton Rouge is criminal." Peggy Noonan of the Baton Rouge Bee called Abel "Hurricane Abelina" in a column this week saying that Abel's managing has done to the Biscuits what Katrina did to New Orleans in 2005. "He's flooding our fair city with bad baseball," Noonan wrote, "and his emergency response? Send for Doug Fister."

But the ray of hope still shines bright for these under .500 cities. "There is no doubt Mike Richards has no business managing," said Roanoke resident Forrest Livingston III, "but at least he is giving that no-good Allen Lawrence a run for his money."

Roanoke hasn't seen much success since the Gaywads left for Greenville a few years ago. It has gotten so bad in Roanoke that many fans are now nostalgic for Brian Whitaker and the Gaywads. "Wow," Whitaker said in response from his secluded Greenville home.

Meanwhile, further north John Dixon continues to raise his Habaneros flag with it lifting his hopes that he won't have to become a Sativa fan anytime soon. "I hope to wake up from this nightmare soon," Dixon said, "but for now I'll take comfort in the fact that we are a game and a half ahead of Joey Abel and a run ahead of the Meerkats."

Questions Arise In Martinsville

Norman Dale (Lou Brown is on assignment)
The Martinsville Bulletin

The town of Martinsville held an impromptu meeting at the local church to decide the fate of Manager Sam Kirby. On the docket was the dismissal of Kirby. The Meerkats are 51% owned by the citizens of Martinsville, and 49% by Kirby, a vote in the majority would remove Kirby as manager of the Meerkats, The meeting had a fanatical pace with public outcry and public support but the meeting was quickly overrun by when “Bitches ain’t nothing but Ho’s and Shit” blared over the church’s loudspeakers for the weekly “Radical Fearless and Sanctified Hip Hop Sunday”





The meeting was rescheduled for the Dixie Pig, but quickly ended when Albert Pujols descended from an escalator in the sky and simply said “I play, coach stays. He goes, I go.”
After two easy victories Kirby and Meerkats have fallen on hard times and most recently a loss to bitter rival the Rebel Rousers. This recent downturn has not eased the mind of the Martinsvillites. Kirby has gained fame and fortune through his eccentric methods, once having Albert Pujols hit live doves shot out of a pitching machine to mimic a knuckle baller. Often aloof and short tempered with the press, Kirby has become only more eccentric. Kirby has had a checkered past with the Meerkats, winning the inaugural season in the BIGs and taking them to the playoffs each and every year, sans one, but the 2nd championship Martinsville seeks has been held just out of reach. Twice the Meekats have lost in the playoffs by 1 run, both times to the eventual BIGs Champion. This has not helped the former great city of Martinsville cheer their team. Martinsville is no longer the furniture giant and has fewer tangible successes to cheer. One of the only jewels left is the Meerkats.
Beautiful Hooker field was torn down four years ago to make way for Wakefield Park. Wakefield as you know brought Kirby and Martinsville their first and only BIGs trophy. Kirby has long since preached that his team is too coddled with the new ballpark, not tough enough and in his eccentric method managed to alienate Meerkat players with hardships like removing the butter from the peanut butter and Jelly sandwiches, removing individual chairs and adding benches and most famously, he made former Meerkat Jimmy Rollins walk to Salem to face the Stevens. Kirby has always preached team ball, but lately he has the entire team sleeping in the same room.
Pujol's proclamation may of ended the discussion for Kirby at the moment, but this week against the Habeneros is crucial for Morale. Kirby could not be reached for comment, but sources inside the Meerkat's clubhouse say that Kirby hasn't changed his ways. John Kruk of the BIGs network had some strong words for the Meerkat Nation "I really don't understand this uprising, Kirby has done nothing but bring winning season after winning season, playoffs after playoffs, he's turned a small town into a dominant presence in the BIGs. Take a look at other managers, not even the Allen Lawrences of the league, but the Altizer, the dude barely makes the playoffs once at of every three years, moves the team to Korea, jesus how does he still have a job. Look at Baton Rouge...half those players Abel selected in the draft wouldn't make the starting roster of the Meerkats. Don't get me even started on JP Vinson, that guy is a real hack. I'm not saying Kirby is a genius, but he manages to have his team in the playoffs year after year."

2010 could prove to be a big year in the BIGs for Kirby and the Meerkats. A championship season is still in the cards...and that's all that Meerkat Nation can ask for.

Statement

The Portland Pats organization would like to offer a public apology to Justin Rodgers and his family. We sincerely hated to let go of that fat bastard Francisco, but due to private team matters, it needed to be done.

Thankfully, our colleagues in the Meerkats organization have found a spot for Frank and his bloated ERA in their bullpen. I would hope that Mr. Kirby honors Frank's commitment to Justin's cause and continues to donate funds after his immanent failures.

Sincerely,

the first place team... er, Portland Pats

Pats Dump Justin Rodgers, Crush Toes

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

Portland- Portland Pats manager Todd Smith faces a public relations nightmare this week after failing to support their Blow a Save - Save a Life Foundation founded by Smith. Every time a Pat's reliever gave up a walk-off dinger, squandered a huge lead, or walked out and took a dump on the mound, the Portland Pats organization would proudly donate $10,000 to the Justin Rodgers Leukemia Fund. "Yeah...about that...." Manager Todd Smith said after the Pats pounded the Dromedary Toes 11-1 this week, "by Thursday we all just kind of thought...fuck it."

Blow a Save chairman Harry Jazzercise was beside himself on Monday after the Pats failed to raise any money for the cause. "What Smith did took a lot of gumption," Jazzercise said to the Portland Gazette, "I'd like to publically invite Smith and his bullpen to go blow themselves."

In addition to the Pat's new pro-Leukemia stance, the thrill of being first in the Bigs has gone directly to Smith's head. "We'll get back to blowing saves," Smith assured his fanbase on his blog today, "but if I was Justin Rodgers I wouldn't expect any hand-outs anytime soon."