Portland Pats manager allegedly drunk during draft.

Hank Masters
The Oregonian

Perennial powerhouse, the Portland Pats, have struggled out of the gate this year. Reports have now surfaced that Portland Pats manager, Todd Smith, may have been heavily intoxicated during the Big’s 2011 draft.

Portland Pats second baseman, and marginal talent, Ben Zobrist.

When asked for comment, Smith replied, “Well, I don’t remember being drunk... hell, I hardly even drink.” Although he did not go so far as to confirm the accusation, he didn’t deny it either. “Honestly, if you look down our lineup card, It’s tough to believe I could've been completely sober. We’ve got a .225 batting average and four pitchers with an ERA over ten for Christ sake.”

On his thoughts for the Pat’s prospects this season Smith said, “Look, sometimes you wake up and find yourself lying next to some pasty chick, with crooked eyes, gnarly teeth, and a fat ass, that you only kinda remember picking up at the bar last night. You can either choose to slink out the back door with your shame slung heavy around your neck, or you can make the best of a bad situation. Sure her face isn’t too pretty, and there's plenty of junk in that trunk, but them titties ain’t so bad. So I choose to say, roll over Mrs. Kirby... let’s get it on.”

After taking another long swig of his Pabst Blue Ribbon, Smith added, “I think we can all agree Ben Zobrist ain’t too pretty, but I think he’s got some decent titties.”

Portland Pats starting pitcher, Phil Hughes.

16.5 ERA over the first two games.

We contacted the Hanover Habaneros skipper for his thoughts on if the Pat’s recent sub-par performance was due to Smith’s alleged alcohol problems. He had only this to say:

“Wha... we had a game a this week?”