Biscuits Dispatch the Cats; Look towards Korea

Baton Rouge - Associated Press

Ippy Nash

Despite having the offensive breakout that Meetkat slugger Albert Pujols was waiting for, Martinsville is in utter chaos after being owned by the Baton Rouge Biscuits all week. The Biscuits took an early lead and never relinquished it, despite Cat skipper Sam Kirby's best efforts to show a lack of confidence in his team and barely make the minimum innings pitched requirement for the week.

There are a lot of questions and not a lot of answers in Martinsville after a rough start from the defending Bigs champion*. Kirby and his coaching staff have taken desperate measures to rally the fan base including dressing the players in NASCAR uniforms, initiating a "BLGT like me" get in for free night, and starting a branding campaign involving only sex and novelty items. When asked to comment about the somewhat inappropriate advertising on such things as double sided dildos with Kirby's face in the middle, merecat baseball painted anal beads, and the trashy rather than classy style thongs (seen below), Kirby answered, "Hey man, sex sells. Sam Kirby is just trying to get paid. Sam Kirby is a champion. Sam Kirby doesn't need to answer to anyone." Many in Martinsville are worried that Kirby has let last year's title* go to his head. If the Cats don't start to turn things around, his ego may be the only thing watching the team play.

Mertcat paraphernalia, found in Sam Kirby's underwear drawer. At least it's American Made

The hometown Biscuits, playing just above .500, look ahead to a week against Whit Altizer and the Kia Otters. Once highly involved in the Otter's day-to-day operations, Altizer has become increasingly absent from the clubhouse. Otter all star shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, who is notoriously passionless and ambivalent about baseball, in a recent interview commented that he thought Altizer was "phoning it in." Altizer was unable to be reached for comment, but a spokesman was able to confirm that the skipper was busy being a "responsible parent" of a baby and being a "loving husband."