Biscuits and Varmits Clash in an Epic Opener

The only Canadian Map available to the press for this article

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Bigs opening day 2011 is finally upon us. Our hometown Biscuits lock horns with second year and surprising fourth place finisher from last year, the Vancouver Varmits. Headed up by skipper and known socialist sympathizer Tony Gallant, the team formerly known as the Blue Jays look to cement themselves as a perennial powerhouse. It is still unclear what prompted the move to Vancouver, although sources say that Canadian sensation Justin Bieber, and now Varmit spokesperson and part owner, had something to do with it. Bieber reportedly loves things that Canadians steal from America, so he naturally was keen on the idea of the only baseball club North of the border.

For his part, Biscuit manager Joey Abel has made no bones about how he feels, calling Gallant a "queer," "dirty trickster," and an "freedom hating ignoramus." Abel is always known for taking the season week by week, so it came as no surprise that he's been preparing for this week one matchup the entire offseason. Abel ran an uncharacteristically tight lipped camp this spring training, however rumors abound at the tactics he took to prepare for the Varmits. One person, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that Abel insisted that Biscuit All Star Ryan Braun, who is known for his affinity for Canadian bacon refer to it only as Freedom bacon, at the risk of being benched the entire first week. Similarly, when new Biscuit catcher Matt Wieters asked someone for a Canada Dry ginger ale, Abel reportedly went nuts, throwing chairs and ranting about god blessing only the USA and not all of North America and certainly not Central or South America. Abel also somehow managed to find a loop hole in a Louisiana law that banned concealed weapons at the ballpark. Not only are Biscuit players required to wear handguns somewhere under their uniform at all times, Biscuit Field will run promotionals for the entire opening week, called "freedom nights," passing out 9 millimeters to the first 1,000 fans.

It seems the tactics worked. Even after being shown what seems to be a reliable map of Canada (seen above), no one on the Biscuits club could locate Vancouver. 8 pointed to the great lakes, 12 pointed to Alaska. Shin-Soo Choo originally correctly identified its location, but was promptly peer pressured into switching his answer to Alaska. Choo was also reportedly asked to change his name to "the Constitution" as voted on by the players. Other choices were "Statue of Liberty," "Moral Compass of the World," and "Obesity."

This week will feature strength on strength as Gallant loaded up on a powerful pitching staff and the Biscuits look to have no shortage of bats. Around the league, the Meetkats face off against rival Otters, who may or may not be managerless. The Pats look to begin the annual beat down that the Habeneroes receive each year. The Rousers look to begin another disappointing season as they take on Bigs runner up and not so rookie anymore Braves. There is also a couple other irrelevant games being played.