Otters release statement

"We'll get revenge on the Sativa one of these days," Otters manager Whit Altizer said Monday morning in Korea, "Tom Whitt has made his way onto my hit list just below Jory Abel."

2010 Playoffs Begin, Biscuits In by a Thread for a Continental Showdown

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

A collective sigh was heard emanating from Louisiana's capital city this morning as residents awoke to the news that the Biscuits, despite receiving a thorough drumming from top seed Pats, had clinched the final wild card playoff spot. They will face a strong Blue Jays club, still stinging from losing its #2 seed and a 1st round bye in the final week of the regular season. A Bigs expansion team that has caused a huge splash by surprising many around the league with their tenacity and grit, the Jays take the #3 overall seed into the postseason. Despite a weak core of keeper fielders, they stuck to a formula throughout the draft and season, mainly take as many players from Toronto as possible, and it's paid off. The four Jays sluggers on the club have hit over 100 long balls combined and former Blue Jay ace, Roy Halladay leads the league in almost every pitching category. But many Baton Rouge residents have questions about the Blue Jays skipper, Tony Gallant.

Gallant, pictured above in the position he's been for nearly two months, is what many canadians like to refer to as a "Busker." Defined loosely as a type of street performer, entertaining for money, Gallant has until recently been able to juggle his two identities. By day, Gallant worked in the front office and clubhouse, but his true passion began when he put on his tap shoes. Seen below in action with good friend Sid in 2008, Gallant was on top of the world, but that all changed when he took the big league position.

Sources close to the organization purport that a big stipulation from the GM of the Jays was that Gallant give up his "less than honorable" profession. He had worked his way up through the Jays ranks, managing the New Hampshire Fisher Cats for 10 years and most recently the Las Vegas 51's for 2 years. He was called up to the Northside after no one else in the universe wanted to manage the Canadian ball club and despite piecing together a dominant club in 2010, many believe he won't really be whole again till he can dance.

What should be of more concern to the Biscuits than Gallants' tapping shoes are the Blue Jays' bats. The clubs split their regular season matchup, but the confidence from the fans in the Biscuits is waning at best after the only consistence the club has shown all year has been its inconsistency.

The Final Countdown; 2010 Proving to be Dramatic

Baton Rouge-AP

Ippy Nash

With the 2010 playoff race coming into the home stretch, it seems no one's ticket to the postseason is punched yet. Barring a colossal collapse, the current top seed Pats certainly seem headed for the dance. A 1st place seed that looked certain after they reeled off 7 straight victories from before the all-star break is now in jeopardy after the self-proclaimed "karate adult" has lost 3 of his last 4 weeks and is locked in a tie with last place Stevens, who should seriously consider retirement from the Bigs after one of the worst seasons in history.

Pats manager Todd Smith was unable to be reached for comment, but many believe the losing skid and the release of a re-make of the Karate Kid are too close to be coincidence. Smith has never made any attempt to hide the fact that he hated the choice of Jackie Chan for the role of Mr. Miagi saying, "the guy can't even act! I mean, he wouldn't be able to hold Pat's jock." The city of Portland, which has gotten used to a perennial championship contender, hopes Smith can get his hat on straight for what should be an exciting race to the finish.

Our hometown Biscuits seem to want to keep us all in suspense as they dropped consecutive weeks to bottom dwellers, Habeneros and Toes. Many fans and most of the other clubs wrote them off, but they've roared back with 3 straight W's over playoff contenders. They are locked in a see-saw match-up with the Whales this week and hope to solidify a spot in the standings with a big win. Manager Max Bergmann, who reportedly is Sam Kirby, was close to losing his job to ESPN Bobby Valentine until he started managing again this week. Also, Whales GM Sammy Kirbay reportedly was jealous of Valentine's olive complexion and "couldn't bear the sight of that beautiful man day after day with this pasty skin."

If ever any team has backed into the playoffs, it would be the Kia Otters. Questions have been swarming around whether he has lost control of the locker room and Kia executives are considering dropping the team in 2011. It has been rumored that certain things in real life are becoming more of a priority than his fantasy baseball team, and I think I can speak for everyone when I say it is a sad day.

Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds can't seem to find any traction losing three in a row, yet still find themselves in striking distance and facing a joke of a Rousers club this week and a considerably cooled habenero club in the season finale. If they can't find a way into the top 6, it would be a miracle. Habenero manager Justin Brittle however, has made it a personal mission to make sure Abel and the Biscuits make the playoffs, reportedly quoted this weekend saying, "I love Joey Abel more than anything. If the habaneros can't make it, then I want it to be him...oh to be him." Brittle obsession with Abel has been well documented, but to take center stage in a push to the postseason like this is certainly taking it to a new level.

The Morecats have certainly made a strong case for a top seed as they go for their fifth straight win this week. Manager Sam Kirby was reportedly caught by his wife masturbating at the computer to a screen of the current Bigs standings. A bye may be the only thing standing between Kirby and another 1st round exit as Mertcat all-star Carlos Gonzalez is currently sidelined with sore knee. There's no telling what may happen if the Cats continue to choke when it matters.

Biscuits Licking Wounds

AP - Richmond, VA
Sven Chavez

The Biscuits are not returning to Baton Rouge with the highly sought after tomatoes of Hanover County. Rather, they are running as fast as they can back to the tragically oil soaked coasts of Louisiana after their recent drumming to the hands of Hanover's hottest sensation -- the Habaneros. The Habaneros have a penchant of drafting well and then running themselves into the ground before the All-Star break, which they have seemed to do once again this year. But the season is not over yet and it is always nice to win big against a heated rival, especially one that thinks of themselves with such absurd magnificence. Said Manger Brittle after this past week's 11-3 win, "I've always enjoyed biscuits much more with hot sauce. And, boy, did we douse those b#*ches with some hot sauce." One more thing is for sure -- The Bigs better watch out for these hottest of Habaneros, especially if they can welcome back to Hanover some key players off the freakin' DL.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions; Biscuits Rising, Cats Choking

Ippy Nash
Baton Rouge-AP

With the exception of Allen Lawrence and the Stevens, who managed a rare win against the Otters last week despite being 50 games out of first, every team competing in the 2010 season of the Bigs could realistically make the playoffs. The powerful Pats seem to have 1st place in a choke hold, but spots 2 through 8 are separated by only by 8 and a half games. The two bigs expansion teams have opened everyone's eyes by battling there way near the top of the league. In particular, the Sativa made headlines last week when they bounced back from a loss to the Biscuits by giving Sam Kirby and the Marecats an old fashioned trip behind the wood shed to jump up to 4th place.

Kirby's popularity has steadily decreased as he falls in the standings. Many in Martinsville are beginning to wonder what kind of team he'd have without his coveted core of keepers. He has failed to surround them with any talent at all and has relied on Biscuit cast-offs such as Kelly Johnson, Chris Coghlan, and Ricky Nolasco to plug the gaping holes at the plate and on the mound. Besides the Biscuits, who were bested by the Cats twice already this season, Martinsville has not beaten any other team playing .500 baseball. That may say as much about the Biscuits as it does the Cats, but with its last three games against playoff contenders, the Cats may need to figure out some way to play better past the break. Having its next four games against the bottom half of the bigs may be what Sam and the Cats need to back into the playoffs.

The Otters may have the toughest road of anyone in the Bigs in the second half. 6 of their final 7 games are against teams with winning records and losing to the worst team in the league, the aforementioned Stevens, this past week won't make that road any easier. There are whispers around the league that there may be an issue at home that is taking Altizer's attention away from the Otters. Perhaps he should take a page from his wife's book, who manages to give minute to minute status updates on even her most mundane activities, and spend some more time in front of his computer.

The Rousers, who have been perennial powers in the Bigs in the past, are searching for answers after being hammered by the Biscuits this week and falling to 11th place. JP Vinson was quoted, through his wife, following the drumming last week saying, "I don't even care about this stupid league. It's not even real."

The Canadian Jays are enjoying the freedom that comes along with being in America, but may have a tough time holding on the 3rd place. Their remaining schedule is not full of "hosers," which is apparently some sort of insult north of the border.

The Sativa's massacre of the Meercasts went a long way in cementing them into the playoffs. A spot made more secure by the fact that they have a cakewalk of a schedule the rest of the way. If they don't make it in, they should consider never participating in the BIgs ever again out of shame.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions:

The Pats and the Whales look too strong too be knocked out of the top spots and will enjoy a bye in week one of the playoffs. The two expansion teams will hold steady and make it into the postseason, Sativa with the 3rd seed, and the Jays taking the 4th. After that, it gets a little murky. The Biscuits, Otters, and Cats look to slice up the last two spots between them, but Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds my surprise everyone and steal the 6th seed as the darkhorse.

KIRBY AIMS TO PLEASE MEERKAT NATION

Danky Jenkins
Eden, NC
Yahoo Sports


Sam Kirby spoke to a large Meerkat crowd today at the Meerkat Den bar, adjacent to the Hong-Kong Restaurant located in the Patrick Henry Shopping Center in downtown Martinsville. Kirby spoke for about 45 minutes on topics ranging from the farm system to this year’s playoffs



As the security camera video illustrates, he really whipped up the crowd when talking about the Portland Pats. The Meerkats lost a close series last week to bitter enemy Todd Smith and the Portland Pats. Kirby is no stranger to pep talks and he gave one for the ages. Kirby had a lot to say about the Pats. “The Meerkats will NOT go quietly this year, We will NOT be beaten THIS YEAR, We will not be shoved around ANY LONGER, WE WILL give MEERKAT NATION what its been asking for since 06…A CHAMPIONSHIP. The PATS WILL GO DOWN, AND GO DOWN HARD” With that the crowd erupted. Albert Pujols was so amped up that he punched a South Korean soccer fan. The South Korean was immediately rushed to the hospital. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Kirby also touched on the failure of the Boozehounds to capture what they had last year. “Really, Harrison just caught lightning in the bottle, I was as surprised as anyone. The kid can talk a good game, but his [expletive] is whack. He took what was rightfully ours, WE WILL TAKE IT BACK.” Kirby also entertained a quick question and answer period. Questions like: “what do you think about Abel and the Biscuits?” Kirby’s reply “who, ha. No really, Abel is so inept at picking talent that it hurts the league. [Expletive], my staff calls him the Al Davis of the BIGs.”

Other questions ranged from “Are the Otters going to make the playoffs?” “All signs point to doubtful” to “Name one player the Meerkats should acquire before the trade deadline?” “well our faults are obvious, we need to improve our bullpen.” “Who is your biggest competition?” “Ha, well to be honest its us. We are our toughest competition. If we play like I know we can, nobody can beat us. PERIOD.” Again the crowd erupted.

Kirby continued “The startup [expletive] and his team of college dropouts? Ha. Please let Heyward bat .230 against my team. “The other start up in Canada, phfff..dude can’t even speak English.. Richards? Not a chance, no pitching. Altizer-dude has two testicles for a baseball brain, and they’re busying humping each other for a quick high for Altizer to be a competent manager. You ever seen him try and call a hit in run in the 9th? Boy lacks the gumption for the nitty gritty of baseball. Vinson…please he’s so far up his wife’s ass that he doesn’t even know what a double play is.” When asked about Bergmann…”well he scares me, true, but again I don’t see it happening”

Meerkats

A Black Eye For the Commissioner: UPDATE

TMZ reporters once again spotted Bigs commissioner, Sam Kirby, sporting a fresh shiner; this week outside Portland's PGE park. Though he declined an interview, Kirby gave this brief statement:

TMZ: Did you take another wang to the face?

Kirby: No... I wish. I just got my ass kicked by the Pats.