Biscuits Licking Wounds

AP - Richmond, VA
Sven Chavez

The Biscuits are not returning to Baton Rouge with the highly sought after tomatoes of Hanover County. Rather, they are running as fast as they can back to the tragically oil soaked coasts of Louisiana after their recent drumming to the hands of Hanover's hottest sensation -- the Habaneros. The Habaneros have a penchant of drafting well and then running themselves into the ground before the All-Star break, which they have seemed to do once again this year. But the season is not over yet and it is always nice to win big against a heated rival, especially one that thinks of themselves with such absurd magnificence. Said Manger Brittle after this past week's 11-3 win, "I've always enjoyed biscuits much more with hot sauce. And, boy, did we douse those b#*ches with some hot sauce." One more thing is for sure -- The Bigs better watch out for these hottest of Habaneros, especially if they can welcome back to Hanover some key players off the freakin' DL.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions; Biscuits Rising, Cats Choking

Ippy Nash
Baton Rouge-AP

With the exception of Allen Lawrence and the Stevens, who managed a rare win against the Otters last week despite being 50 games out of first, every team competing in the 2010 season of the Bigs could realistically make the playoffs. The powerful Pats seem to have 1st place in a choke hold, but spots 2 through 8 are separated by only by 8 and a half games. The two bigs expansion teams have opened everyone's eyes by battling there way near the top of the league. In particular, the Sativa made headlines last week when they bounced back from a loss to the Biscuits by giving Sam Kirby and the Marecats an old fashioned trip behind the wood shed to jump up to 4th place.

Kirby's popularity has steadily decreased as he falls in the standings. Many in Martinsville are beginning to wonder what kind of team he'd have without his coveted core of keepers. He has failed to surround them with any talent at all and has relied on Biscuit cast-offs such as Kelly Johnson, Chris Coghlan, and Ricky Nolasco to plug the gaping holes at the plate and on the mound. Besides the Biscuits, who were bested by the Cats twice already this season, Martinsville has not beaten any other team playing .500 baseball. That may say as much about the Biscuits as it does the Cats, but with its last three games against playoff contenders, the Cats may need to figure out some way to play better past the break. Having its next four games against the bottom half of the bigs may be what Sam and the Cats need to back into the playoffs.

The Otters may have the toughest road of anyone in the Bigs in the second half. 6 of their final 7 games are against teams with winning records and losing to the worst team in the league, the aforementioned Stevens, this past week won't make that road any easier. There are whispers around the league that there may be an issue at home that is taking Altizer's attention away from the Otters. Perhaps he should take a page from his wife's book, who manages to give minute to minute status updates on even her most mundane activities, and spend some more time in front of his computer.

The Rousers, who have been perennial powers in the Bigs in the past, are searching for answers after being hammered by the Biscuits this week and falling to 11th place. JP Vinson was quoted, through his wife, following the drumming last week saying, "I don't even care about this stupid league. It's not even real."

The Canadian Jays are enjoying the freedom that comes along with being in America, but may have a tough time holding on the 3rd place. Their remaining schedule is not full of "hosers," which is apparently some sort of insult north of the border.

The Sativa's massacre of the Meercasts went a long way in cementing them into the playoffs. A spot made more secure by the fact that they have a cakewalk of a schedule the rest of the way. If they don't make it in, they should consider never participating in the BIgs ever again out of shame.

All Star Break Playoff Predictions:

The Pats and the Whales look too strong too be knocked out of the top spots and will enjoy a bye in week one of the playoffs. The two expansion teams will hold steady and make it into the postseason, Sativa with the 3rd seed, and the Jays taking the 4th. After that, it gets a little murky. The Biscuits, Otters, and Cats look to slice up the last two spots between them, but Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds my surprise everyone and steal the 6th seed as the darkhorse.

KIRBY AIMS TO PLEASE MEERKAT NATION

Danky Jenkins
Eden, NC
Yahoo Sports


Sam Kirby spoke to a large Meerkat crowd today at the Meerkat Den bar, adjacent to the Hong-Kong Restaurant located in the Patrick Henry Shopping Center in downtown Martinsville. Kirby spoke for about 45 minutes on topics ranging from the farm system to this year’s playoffs



As the security camera video illustrates, he really whipped up the crowd when talking about the Portland Pats. The Meerkats lost a close series last week to bitter enemy Todd Smith and the Portland Pats. Kirby is no stranger to pep talks and he gave one for the ages. Kirby had a lot to say about the Pats. “The Meerkats will NOT go quietly this year, We will NOT be beaten THIS YEAR, We will not be shoved around ANY LONGER, WE WILL give MEERKAT NATION what its been asking for since 06…A CHAMPIONSHIP. The PATS WILL GO DOWN, AND GO DOWN HARD” With that the crowd erupted. Albert Pujols was so amped up that he punched a South Korean soccer fan. The South Korean was immediately rushed to the hospital. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Kirby also touched on the failure of the Boozehounds to capture what they had last year. “Really, Harrison just caught lightning in the bottle, I was as surprised as anyone. The kid can talk a good game, but his [expletive] is whack. He took what was rightfully ours, WE WILL TAKE IT BACK.” Kirby also entertained a quick question and answer period. Questions like: “what do you think about Abel and the Biscuits?” Kirby’s reply “who, ha. No really, Abel is so inept at picking talent that it hurts the league. [Expletive], my staff calls him the Al Davis of the BIGs.”

Other questions ranged from “Are the Otters going to make the playoffs?” “All signs point to doubtful” to “Name one player the Meerkats should acquire before the trade deadline?” “well our faults are obvious, we need to improve our bullpen.” “Who is your biggest competition?” “Ha, well to be honest its us. We are our toughest competition. If we play like I know we can, nobody can beat us. PERIOD.” Again the crowd erupted.

Kirby continued “The startup [expletive] and his team of college dropouts? Ha. Please let Heyward bat .230 against my team. “The other start up in Canada, phfff..dude can’t even speak English.. Richards? Not a chance, no pitching. Altizer-dude has two testicles for a baseball brain, and they’re busying humping each other for a quick high for Altizer to be a competent manager. You ever seen him try and call a hit in run in the 9th? Boy lacks the gumption for the nitty gritty of baseball. Vinson…please he’s so far up his wife’s ass that he doesn’t even know what a double play is.” When asked about Bergmann…”well he scares me, true, but again I don’t see it happening”

Meerkats

A Black Eye For the Commissioner: UPDATE

TMZ reporters once again spotted Bigs commissioner, Sam Kirby, sporting a fresh shiner; this week outside Portland's PGE park. Though he declined an interview, Kirby gave this brief statement:

TMZ: Did you take another wang to the face?

Kirby: No... I wish. I just got my ass kicked by the Pats.

Biscuits Split Road Trip; Fancy only gets one chance

Is Abel better than poor white trash?

Will he live up to his middle name, Fancy?

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

After splitting a 4 week road trip with 4 out of the top 5 teams in the Bigs, the Biscuits are happy to still be in the hunt, and even happier to be coming home to face the floundering Really Stevens. Stevens manger, Allen Lawrence, who was unable to be reached for comment due to the fact that he stopped playing after it was clear on day one that he had the worst team in Bigs history, probably would say, "F*@$ them Biscuits. The only Biscuit worth anything is a soggy one." This however, is only speculation as Mr. Lawrence, as mentioned earlier, has given up and relinquished his nutsack. With just about half of the season played, Lawrence and the Stevens have managed only 1 win, against the racist Rousers, and a tie against Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds.

The Boozehounds, who Biscuits manager Joey Abel thought were managed by Justin Brittle up until a week or two ago, and the Rousers are still in the mix for the Bigs Cup, but it is clear that the Stevens are heading towards a higher losing percentage than the '09 Phillin Phine, which is saying quite a bit.

What isn't clear, is whether or not the Biscuits can play better than .500 baseball. Abel's parents, named him Joseph Fancy for a reason. When reached for comment, Abel's mother, who is pure as the white driven snow, told reporters that she called Abel after the 6-7 loss to the 1st place Pats and told him that, "this was his one chance J Fancy, so don't let me down." It wasn't clear whether she was suggesting Abel use his body and sleep his way to the top, as Andy Harrison did in '09, to take the cup.

One thing is clear, if the Biscuits can string together a few wins, they may find themselves on the outside looking in in 2010

A Black Eye For the Commissioner

Jesse Balls

TMZ

As recently reported, Bigs commissioner and Meerkat manager, Sam Kirby, attended the Washington Nationals game this past Tuesday to scout phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg. Shortly after the game, Kirby was spotted sporting a fresh black eye. When asked by TMZ reporters about how he got the shiner Kirby responded “Uh... um, my wife likes to hit me... she gets pretty aggressive after a few Yuenglings.” Always known more for his brain than his brawn, this seemed like a reasonable answer. By the next morning, however; several eye witness accounts began to arise which disputed Kirby’s story. A fan seated near Kirby, claims he saw Short Pump Sativa manager, Tom Whitt, come down and and talk to Kirby around the 3rd inning. “This crazy red-headed dude was flicking off and yelling shit at Strasburg all game long. I thought Mr. Whitt was coming down to shut him up, but he just shook his hand and sat next to him.” Apparently, the civility ended there, however.

While Strasburg was mowing down Pittsburgh Pirates with uncanny ease, Whitt was seen taunting Kirby and becoming increasingly loud. On several occasions Whitt was heard cursing and even seen thrusting his pelvis with clenched fists towards the now somber commissioner.

Multiple witness accounts say the scene reached its climax just before the 7th inning stretch. “All I know is, I see Mr. Whitt spring from his seat and yell “Did you see that shit!? Fourteen fucking strikeouts! Championship here I come!” The next thing I know the Meerkat guy is rolling on the ground holding his face in his hands” said Nationals fan Archie Simpson.

When TMZ reporters confronted Kirby Wednesday afternoon with this new found evidence, the Meerkat Manager, took a page from Jim Joyce’s playbook and fessed up. “What can I say...” said Kirby, “Whitt got a little too excited about his new pitcher and jabbed me in the eye with his... um, with his “short pump.” Trying to downplay the obviously awkward situation, Kirby added, “look, it’s not the first I’ve been smacked in the face by a penis, and it probably won’t be the last. It’s really not a big deal.”

When asked for comment, Whitt made no apologies. “Can you really blame me?” he said. “Did you see that kid’s fastball? Fucking nasty.” Obviously still brimming with confidence, he added this message to his fellow Bigs managers: “Everyone laughed when I drafted a team of rookies. Well, who’s laughing now bitches.”

The Meerkats and Sativas meet once more – this time on the fantasy ball field – in week 14 of the Bigs 2010 season. For the sake of all the families and children in attendance, let’s hope the crack of wood will only be heard when the players’ bats hit the ball.

Commish Kirby Watches Strasburg Fan 14

Billy Grant
The Bigs Insider

The Bigs commissioner Sam Kirby made a rare appearance at National Park in Washington DC Tuesday night to watch phenom Stephen Strasburg pitch his first game. In one of the most overt acts of DC gentrification, Kirby and thousands of other white people took over the banks of the Anacostia River to cheer on DC's best arm since Walter Johnson. "I appreciate the Commish's trip," Strasburg's manager Tom Whitt said after the game, "but I don't appreciate Meerkat's manager Kirby's visit."

Kirby was seen making lewd gestures toward Strasburg between innings, a tact that Kirby often takes when recruiting new talent. "It's weird but it works," Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison said, "Kirby signed Matt Holliday after miming a blow job."

Despite Kirby's advances, Strasburg had a big outing for the Sativa. "We're real proud of him," manger Tom Whitt said , "but now that he is a veteran it is time to put him on the trading block."