A Snoozer in Hanover

The BIGS Insider
Billy Grant

Hanover, Va--Tuesday--Things aren't really heating up in Hanover, Va this week where the Hanover Habaneros and the Dromedary Toes are deadlocked in a 3-3 tie two days into their 7 day series. "Somebody claw my eyes out please," a fan yelled during the 7th inning stretch Tuesday night, "this is like watching bowling!"

Tied at 2 runs and 6 hits a piece after 2 days there isn't much to get excited about in Habanero Hacienda Park. Tuesday night cameras caught Toes manager Mike Richards sleeping during a pivotal point in the game. Richards refused to comment about the incident. BIGS commissioner, Sam Kirby is reviewing the incident and might levy a fine later this week.

But don't count out the 6th placed Habaneros or the 8th placed Toes, both won major blowouts over the Gaywads and Rousers last week. "We are working out our legs," Habaneros manager Justin Brittle tweeted today, "we got on base so much against the Gaywads it made Whitaker look like a slut."

There is also much on the line for the Habaneros and Toes who both are flirting with missing the playoffs this year. No one needs to make it more than the historically terrible Habaneros who moved and changed their name after an embarrassing season last year. "They were 79.5 games out of first place last year," The Cream manager Nick Grey said today, "that makes the 2009 Really Stevens look like the '04 Meerkats."

Tonight will be "Hooters and Ephedra Night" at the Hacienda and all fans over 21 can take body shots off of Hooters girls. "We are hoping to get more people out tonight who will stay awake," Habaneros PR manager Jimmy Vaudeville said in a press conference today, "body shots and ephedra are Hanover Country traditions."

Kirby Losing More Than Games...

Baton Rouge - AP contributing writers

In a rash publication this week, Sam Kirby, Bigs Commish and SmearCats manager, released some scathing comments about our beloved Biscuits skipper, Joey Abel and lost a bit of respect around the league. The bulk of the story was fluff, but the main message called Abel and the Biscuit's resolve, among other things, into question. He stopped short of calling the Biscuit's 2007 championship a fraud, but the writing was on the wall. Kirby also answered a report in the Baton Rouge Advocate that claimed his club was championship-less by referencing his 2004 "victory." as proof of his pedigree. Many Baton Rougians may not remember the circumstances surrounding the Bigs in 2004 since the Biscuit's expansion year was 2005, but the five-team league was more like double-A than it was the majors. Kirby and Martinsville did in fact make the playoffs, along with everyone else in the league, and beat out the other five squads for the win.

Although Abel, in his humble and classy style, refused to comment on Kirby's fairy tale, other managers were not so forgiving. "This mother****** has **** for brains." ranted Andy Harrison, "I'd rather have diarrhea and eat it than listen to that angry little man talk." Oxford Otters manager, Whit Altizer, was also critical of Kirby's attempted defamation saying, "Sam has lost a step...I know it, he knows it, and every manager in the league knows it."

What has many Biscuit fans steaming, however is not Kirby's most recent comments, but the consistent barrage of questionable accusations the underperforming commish supplies. One local, who identified himself only as Boudreaux, commented "Eh Cher!, that Kirby's got a mouth like an ol gator, yeah...real big, but not too strong anymo." Boudreaux was asked to give further comment, but was late for his possum hunting trip in a local bayou, a common practice in the sportsman's paradise.

Boudreaux, like most Louisianians, gets around in a boat

Perhaps the biggest slight to the Biscuits was the fact that they never even saw the Bigs Trophy after the blood, sweat, and tears they gave in 2007. Kirby is still rumored to have withheld it from Abel and their were even some reports that Kirby spooned it every night for a year just to see what it felt like to not sleep alone. Many around the league recognize Abel's managing prowess and are not afraid to show it. Whit Altizer has been spotted with a "I'm with Abel" t-shirt. Habenero skipper Justin Brittle, always known for his affection towards Abel, had his middle name legally changed to Joe-Joe saying, "I love that guy, in a very homosexual way." RebelRousers skipper JP Vinson, however, perhaps said it best after placing 2nd to Baton Rouge in 2007:

"As much as I hate to say it (and most likely will regret one day), you have to give Abel credit for rallying his players throughout the playoffs. He had the toughest road to the Championship and damn if he didn't bend us all over and stick it to us like I did to Kirby's mom. I truly believe you may have witnessed the greatest championship series the BIGS has or will ever see...it was that good"

JP Vinson, who has recently been connected to racism and allegations of sexual harassment (see below), is probably regretting those comments on this day, but they certainly do capture the spirit of the Biscuits and the positive energy they bring to the BIGS year in and year out.

We've always known Vinson to be wild, but this is borderline reckless...

When asked to comment on JP Vinson's flattering comments, Abel stoically replied, "He was a worthy opponent. Worthy to eat my nut***" Abel may eat his own nut***, however, as the Biscuits road may go through Atlanta to get back to the top of the heap and silence all of his doubters. What is unclear is the role Kirby and Martinsville will play. Falling to the Rousers this week may put a playoff berth out of reach for Kirby seeing as he faces a suddenly hot Hanover club before squaring off with our home town Biscuits in the final week.

How Soon We Forget

HOW SOON WE FORGET

OR

How to re-write history- By Joey Abel

Ron Gant
The BIGs Insider

The year is 2007, Joey Abel and his Baton Rouge Biscuits win the BIG’s Championship after just squeaking into the playoffs. Abel joins recent champions JP Vinson, BS Whitaker and ST Kirby. All three are successful managers who have managed their teams into numerous playoff games.

The Biscuits, as a story, are rather boring and uneventful. The 2007 season is the only highpoint for Abel and in Biscuit’s history. Biscuit Fans find they relate better with the Cleveland Browns than with the Pittsburgh Steelers. But this story begins right before Abel’s unlikely march to playoff glory. Once again the Biscuits were teetering on missing the playoffs (Note: The Biscuits had never made the playoffs under Abel’s managing), when Abel called a meeting with Oxford Otter’s owner WP Altizer. WP Altizer was meanwhile teetering with the idea of moving his beloved Oxford Otters to South Korea to gain access to a resource rich environment and extend The BIGs brand. Altizer declined the meeting and instructed Abel to “Listen to Kirby…his methods may seem extreme, but of all the BIGs managers, he has been there the most.”

Abel did as he was instructed and called Kirby for a meeting. This meeting was a first for two managers, who through the press have never said a civil word about each other or each other's mom. "Hey, what do you want me to say?" Kirby said last season when questioned about a criticism of Abel's mom, "She is THAT fat."

Little is known about their closed-door meeting in Martinsville, but a series of trades happened afterwards and Abel made his historic run. Kirby, to his credit, has never said a word on what happened in that meeting.

Meanwhile in Baton Rouge, Abel kicked off what many are beginning to call "the greatest swindle." Abel with the help of Harry Jazzercise (on loan from the Boozehounds) created the myth behind the Biscuits. Shirts and hats started to sell. Peter Gammons started to give pre-season reports on the Biscuits; and the myth of the Biscuits grew and grew. In a recent fan poll 75% of fans assume that the Biscuits are a perennial playoff team in the BIGs. This is simply not the case. One simple question can shake a fan to his core:

"How many trips to the playoffs have the Biscuits made BESIDE their championship year?"

The answer will leave most BIGs fans shocked; NONE. Ouch. This team has built a reputation of always being a competitor, but owner JT Brittle put it best

"it’s more in line with JP Vinson’s mom in a smiling contest, One tooth may get you in the contest, but it doesn't come close to winning it." JP Vinson's mom was also a 1st Lieutenant guerrilla in the Peruvian Rebel Army.

The proof is in the numbers, or as they say in Richmond: “Truth is in the number of beers a girl needs before she will let Andy Harrison touch her boobies: a baker’s dozen.” In this case, the truth lies in Abel’s winning percentage: a horrific .489. Now this author doesn’t necessarily know much about winning percentage, but he does know it’s not good if it starts in the 400s.

Abel has a chance to validate the myth this year. The Biscuits are currently in fourth place and headed for a playoff berth. Standing in their way is a familiar foe: the Meerkats. The Meerkats-Biscuits meeting in Martinsville in the last game of the season is already creating quite a buzz and causing many to read the Biscuits their final rites two months early. Though it’s too early to tell what could happen, if the Biscuits miss the playoffs because of a Meerkats win this author wouldn’t be
surprised.

Biscuits Roll: Playoff Race Heats Up

Baton Rouge - AP Contributing Writers

After a roller-coaster of a week, the Biscuits stuck a dagger into Philadelphia this week to win their sixth straight and perhaps cement a place in the 2009 playoffs. The door to the top 3 seeds was also opened slightly as all 3 teams were handed lopsided losses. Abel, reached for comment after the win but before his rocky-themed victory party, stated "if I can change...and you can change...everybody can change!" This unified sentiment was echoed by PhillinPhine manager Ethan Simcox as well as evidenced by both his comments and his actions. Simcox was quoted after the loss saying, "What can I say, he had the eye of the tiger, man. The edge!" Simcox, who was beaten down like Tommy Gunn in Rocky V, also revealed a new tattoo, seen here, as a homage to Abel and his Biscuits club.

Abel, who is not Italian, but has been called "the stallion" a number of times by Sam Kirby's mother, has made a reputation around the league as a scrapper and has been connected to amazing feats. Otters manager and former Bigs Commish Whit Altizer was quoted in 2007 as saying, "Sometimes I can't even believe the bull**** this guy pulls out of his a**...One time he actually convinced me to bob for apples in a toilet bowl...and like it." Abel has also told a number of other managers that they play baseball "like a girl." Abel is also rumored to have kissed Wendy Peppercorn on the lips on a number of occasions.

What is for certain is that since the All-Star break, Abel and the Biscuits have managed to put opposing clubs in the "biggest pickle of their lives," and they hope to continue that success against the Gaywads, who have all but given up in 2009, yet managed to trade second baseman Dustin Pedroia to the contending Martinsville Fearcats. The MareCats, who have never placed better than 3rd in the Bigs, which was way back in 2006 put their hopes on the backside of slugger Albert Pujols, who has failed to meet second half expectations thus far. Despite failure year after year, Kirby remains one of the most vocal mangers and may have bitten off more than even his big mouth can chew this week against a strong Rousers team. Rousers manager, JP Vinson was reported this week calling Kirby "a strange little lady-boy" that needs to "actually produce before spouting off." Whatever happens this week, a lot of questions should be answered.

Meerkats Spank Boozehounds

Boozehounds Stay in 2nd Place Despite Being Handed their Jock

Jerry Spezio

Martinsville-AP-Though it is the dog days of summer, a feline is making his case in the Bigs this August. Last night, after a 10-3 drubbing, the Richmond Boozehounds tucked tail and ran out of Meerkats Stadium wondering just what went wrong. "This is typical Boozehound behavior," ESPN analyst Peter Gammens said today, "start out strong, but can't finish."

The 10-3 beating may keep many Richmonders out of Boozehounds park next week.

Despite the loss, the Boozehounds remain firmly in second place far ahead of the Meerkats. But the always confident Meerkats manager Sam Kirby remains arrogant about his chances at the cup. "J.P. Vinson is my whipping boy," Kirby said Sunday night, "I'm gonna hoedown all over that Texan and everyone after him." Boozehounds manager Andy Harrison, however, sounded dismal. "You never want to lose to Martinsville," Harrison said, "it is like losing a piece of your manhood."

Pujols .550 BA this week caused Sam Kirby to go public with his lust for the A.Pu. "So what?" Kirby asked the press corps who peppered him with questions about his mancrush.

Though it is always depressing to be a Richmonder, this Monday the 10th of August is especially joyless. The Boozehounds-Meerkats intrastate rivalry is one of the hottest in the Bigs dating back to the early 2000s. In a 2005 interview with Baseball Today, Harrison accused Kirby of collusion. "He and the Whales have made some very questionable deals," Harrison said in the '05 interview, "I'm not saying, I'm just saying." Kirby vehemently denied the accusations calling Harrison, "a crusty, old mangina" in a 2006 interview with ESPN. The two have traded sharp words ever since.

Varitek's future with the Boozehounds is uncertain. His .053 BA caused Boozehounds manager to call Varitek a "dick."

However, Sunday night Harrison left his sharpest words for his team. "I'd just like to personally thank a few players," Harrison said in a post game press conference, "Varitek, Tulowitzki thanks a f*ckload!"

Harrison called Troy Tulowitzi's performance "cute" but "far from cutting it."

Whales Fall: Biscuits Steamrolling Towards Playoffs

Baton Rouge - Robert Allen Stanford

With four weeks left in the season, our hometown Biscuits and manager Joey Abel are trying to leave the dramatics to another team. After topping the Whales this past week for their 5th straight win, they just might get their wish. Over the years, the Biscuits have had their share of late-season drama and hope to avoid that by continuing their winning streak this week over PhillinPhine. Who can forget the dream push and playoff run of 2007, when the resilient club squeaked into the playoffs with the bottom seed only to knock off the top three seeds in order to claim the Bigs trophy, which ironically was never in Abel's possession. That run included victories over both the Boozehounds and an unforgettable world series win over the Rousers, both of whom are virtual locks for this season's playoffs. The then #2 seed, Washington Whales, who were knocked out by the Biscuits in the 2007 NLCS, fell this past week to a balanced Biscuits club. Abel, who's latest victory party was an "under-the-sea" theme, perhaps a jab at Washington's marine mascot, was hard to reach for comment as he was seen in full scuba gear "jello-wrestling" with the same woman seen in a previous photograph performing the "ratchet." The woman, originally believed to be a member of the Kirby family, is still unidentified.

If the present success continues, this will be the Biscuits first trip back to the playoffs since that World Championship. 2008 was a roller-coaster ending with a still disputed tie with the Oxford Otters, and the Otters getting the last spot on a technicality. It doesn't look like the Otters will challenge again this year after an 11-3 clubbing by the Cream last week. Otters manager Altizer was visibly shaken at the week's press conference. When asked how this season has been, he repeated through sobs, "bittersweet....more sweet than bitter...bitter than sweet."

In other news around the league, the MeerBats lost a heart breaker to the puttering Power Rods. This was coupled with the trading of all-star shortstop Jimmy Rollins and the increasingly vocal calls for his resignation as Bigs GM at the end of the season. As the new manager union president and Bigs PR rep, Abel has been receiving messages from various clubs. Andy Lawrence, manager of the Stevens, called Abel and requested that the last place team receive the first 14 draft picks along with a "open-mouth kiss from the 3rd place team, a 'bubbly jumbler' from the 2nd place team, and a 'white dragon' from the champion." It was unclear exactly what a "bubbbly jumbler", and a "white dragon" are, but Abel assured the AP that we did not want to know. Rousers skipper JP Vinson sent Abel a hand written note on what appeared to be a napkin from the Clermont Lounge simply saying, "boobie-tassles" followed by a smiley-face. In addition, he received two anonymous messages, one of which called for a US invasion of South Korea, and the other was 17 minutes of heavy breathing and what appeared to be a sheep in the background. The origins of the messages are being investigated by authorities, and Abel hopes they won't be a distraction as the Biscuits look to stay focused on the match this week and staying on track for the playoffs.

Kirby, Meerkats part way with Rollins

The Bigs Report
Hedley Robinson

The Meerkats organization has parted with longtime shortstop and all-round Meerkat fan favorite, Jimmy Rollings. The Meerkats traded Rollins to non-contender Greenville Gaywads for Dustin Pedoria. Rollins, seen here during happier times on the phone with owner/manager Sam Kirby, has struggled the past two seasons. Kirby and Rollins had a falling out during the playoffs last year when Rollins managed only one hit, and one RBI. Afterwards Kirby harshly criticized Rollins in the Media. With the acquisition of Gordon Beckham, Kirby moved Rollins to shore up his deficiencies at second base, Pedoria fits the bill. Kirby acknowledge that it was hard to let him go, and that the Gaywads got a great deal, but "Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war."
Brian Whitaker, owner of the Gaywads, welcomed Rollins with open arms and quickly invited Rollins to a "exclusive eyes wide shut" party. Whitaker also stated "This helps the Gaywads long term, and short term, really it helps us during any term"
Around the league Managers were quietly surprised by the trade and some behind close doors have mentioned "Kirby makes Billy Bean look like Simple Jack." Missing out on the trade, The Really Stevens were said to have been offered Rollins for Chone Figgins and Wandy Rodriques but declined the offer. Fans in Salem are calling for Lawrences immediate dismissal.
With the trade deadline looming one wonders what else Kirby has up his sleeve. Other teams have more problem they will need to address. The Baton Rouge Biscuit have a definite need for a arm and some bullpen help. The Richmond Boozehounds are a house of cards and will need to shore up some defensive help and pick up some speed. The Oxford Otters should be sellers, as it's unlikely they'll make the playoffs. League badboy and all-around dick, JP Vinson of the Rebel Rousers has publicly stated that he is after a strong average at first base and will listen to all offers on his penis. The Greenville Gaywads started the bidding for Vinson's penis with Scott Rolen, but was quickly outbid by Andy Harrison and the Boozehounds (Jose Lopez). That is all from around the BIGs.