The left coast is the right coast.

What's the first thing you ask yourself when you think of the Pats? Probably, "Who the fuck is Pat?" A fair response, the Pat’s manager, Todd Smith admits, acknowledging he lacks the years of childhood history (and apparent repressed homosexuality) that many of The Big’s managers share together. Now in is third year as manager of the Portland Pats (formerly “They Call Me Pat”), Smith can no longer be considered a rookie, although he admits he struggles to understand most of the smack thrown around the league. “These guys aren’t normal. They take smack to a whole new level. They belong on the that Arianna Huffingchick show, not on yahoo sports.” Smith explains. Even though he struggles to navigate the inside jokes, Smith says he feels and home in the league, and plans to expend large portions of the working day blogging about “shit my wife thinks is stupid”.

Originally invited to join The Bigs by commissioner Sam-can’t-manage-a-pitching-staff-to-save-my-ass-Kirby, Smith knew none of the other managers. “Well, I guess I kinda knew the Whales manager, “Fake Sam”, Smith contends, “but that hardly counts.” Opportunity arose, however; in the the late summer of 2009 when the Smith clan was invited to Virginia to attend the fire-headed commissioner’s wedding. “I don’t know how the hell he got her to say yes,” Smith adds. “You should see this goofy look’n guy. He’s punching way above his weight class.” While in attendance, Smith was finally introduced to several of his fellow mangers, including the USA-hating Kia Otter’s, Coach Altizer. “He may not be able to set a lineup worth shit” exclaimed the fowl-mouthed Pat’s manger, “but, damn, he gives a fine toast.” The brief connections formed at this unlikely nuptial will hopefully provide Smith with a new found understanding of his fantasy baseball league.

When asked what his goals are for the upcoming season, I expected he might suggest that he looked forward to winning another championship (ala 2008 - his unexpected rookie success), or dominating the regular season (2009), but he simply had this to say: “I just want to talk me some shit. This is after all – THE BIGS.”

The Bigs head North

Former Bigs Commissioner Whit Altizer and Current Bigs Commissioner Sam Kirby spent much of the off season looking to expand the reach of the Bigs in 2010. "We really had to bury the hatchet on a lot of issues," Altizer said this week, "we have a long, rocky history that goes far beyond what was said to the press two years ago when Mr. Kirby took over."


That history includes extortion, adultery, collusion and accusations of cheating. Not to mention the infamous Carpenter-Alou trade between the Otters and the Meerkats. "Altizer said a lot of hurtful things," Kirby said in an New York Times interview, "but I will forgive him for the good of the league." Their renewed partnership looks to have benefitted the Bigs in 2010.

This February Altizer and Kirby headed north of the border to scout out a Canadian team that would extend the audience of the Bigs. They found on one of their scouting trips the perennial AAA powerhouse the Northside Blue Jays out of Fredricton, New Brunswick led by the baseball sage Tony Gallant.

Kirby and Altizer with Gallant after the contract negotiation

After many contractual issues and labor disputes the three finally negotiated the deal at a local Tim Horton's restaurant. "Tim Horton's holds a very special place in the hearts of Canadians," Peter Gammons noted, "I think picking this venue was more about symbolism than convenience. As if to say we respect the Blue Jays AND Canadian culture in the Bigs."

Mr. Gallant, for his part, seems happy to be a part of the storied league. "This is truly a pleasure to be a part of the Bigs," Gallant said to Baseball weekly, "though I am not sure of a league led by Sam Kirby."

Mr. Gallant has plenty of experience with baseball but how he will fare in the Bigs is largely uncertain. "The BJ's are good in Canada," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said, "but how does that translate to the Bigs?"

Abel, Biscuits Hopeful for 2010

It's that time of year again, the smell of freshly cut grass, blooming flowers, and the bright sun shining off of Sam Kirby's unfortunately red hair. Spring training has arrived and the Biscuits, says manager Joey Abel, are as excited as any team to get this season underway. "We used this offseason to ask some serious questions about this club, and we're confident that the future looks bright." When asked about 3rd place in '09, Abel responded, "It was kinda like sleeping with Sam's mom...It's not his sister, but you're drunk and it gets the job done at the moment. It sure hurts to barely lose to the Hounds, only to see Pat roll over and see the team you should have beat, get the easiest win in Bigs history."

Only two years after joining the Bigs in 2005, the Biscuits took home the championship and after barely missing the playoffs in '08, a strong showing last year has the Baton Rouge faithful hungry for another big year.

The biggest offseason news included the deterioration of the relationship between Abel and Otters manager, Whitney Altizer. When asked about his one time friendly rival, Abel gave a scathing reply, "Just tell Altizer to keep my name out of his mouth...and I'll keep my mouth off of his...wait, that didn't come out right..." Abel quickly changed the subject to Bigs commish and Mercats manager Sam Kirby saying, "This league would be in better hands if a drunk Gorilla was at the helm...or maybe an Orangutan since they are supposed to be the smartest of the great apes."

Abel was referring to the fact that the Bigs lost two of its stalwart teams this offseason in the Columbia Power Rods and the Cream. Neither team enjoyed much success in September, but pulling the franchises out of the league all together could be signaling a deeper problem in the Bigs. Either way, the Biscuits, along with everyone in Baton Rouge, are looking forward to a great draft and a great 2010.

Rookie Draft

Sam Kirby
Commissioner
Martinsville, VA

The rookie draft will happen Thursday March 11th. We have five teams that will participate. They include: Kia Otters, Nashville Rebel Rousers, East Richmond Bulldogs, Roanoke Toes and the Northside Blue Jays.


Rookies ineligible for draft (bylaw 51.A-Rookies on the end of the year roster of any fantasy team are ineligible for the rookie draft; bylaw 50-C-Eligible rookies must be on the end of the year roster of a MLB team, ie Strasburg, Heyward are ineligible) are listed in the chart below.

A sample of eligible rookies for the draft are listed below. Feel free to do your own research.

Signing Day!

Sam Kirby
Commissioner


Greetings Owners,
We have two expansion teams joining the BIGs this year. Please give a warm BIGs hello to the East Richmond Bulldogs and the Northside Blue Jays. We will have the 2010 expansion draft later this week. At that time my staff will update this chart.

Oxford Weeps, Altizer compared to O'Malley

Oxford, MS- Not since James Meredith enrolled at the University of Mississippi has Oxford seen utter chaos in its streets. The move made by the Otters management out of Oxford have left many disenchanted fans in their wake. Some have even gone as far to compare Otters owner Whit Altizer to Walter O'Malley the man who infamously moved the Dodgers from Brooklyn to Los Angeles. "What a jerk," ILovetheOtters tweeted this afternoon, "off."

Altizer joined in a partnership with the Korean car company, Kia, late last season and the company persuaded him to move the team to Korea. It is said that bribery and extortion were both used against Altizer, but the Otters skipper denies such accusations. "We moved for all of the right reasons," Altizer said at a press conference last week, "Kia and Korea presented us with an offer we couldn't refuse."

The Otters have slipped the last two seasons dropping to the bottom half of the league after strong and consistent 3rd place finishes in 2004, 2005 and 2007. The organization is hoping that the energy among Korean fans and their overuse of thundersticks will pep this veteran team up.

"We'll see what happens," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said, "Methinks Altizer is up to no good."

MEERKATS ANNOUNCE KEEPERS

Dwayne Wayne
The BIGs Insider
March 8, 2010

The Meerkats took the first step towards a championship with the announcement of their keepers. Owner and manager Sam Kirby had some tough choices but in the end he offered perennial Meerkat Albert Pujols a two year deal. Matt Holliday a one year deal and Matt Kemp a four year deal. It wasn't all rainbows as Meerkats said a tearful goodbye Dustin Pedoria and Carlos Lee. Kirby also signed rookie Gordon Beckham out of their farm system in Meadows of Dan, VA.