Biscuits Ready for Season; Otters Manager Missing

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash

Questions and accusations are swirling around Biscuit Spring Training camp regarding some questionable draft picks by skipper Joey Abel. Abel's job, and head, were being called for when he took a chance on Carlos Pena, the physical first basemen with loads of power, but with question marks around his low batting avg. Abel was unruffled by the comments saying, "Hey, why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free...You know what I mean?" This inapplicable quote confused reporters to silence, then they were distracted as Ryan Braun walked by with two women doing chin ups on his dick.

Abel was also unfazed by the increasingly negative reports on the Biscuits club this year. "It's tough to play with a target on your back year in and year out," remarked Abel when asked about the other clubs around the league. Abel went on, "if we listened to what Kermit the frog said every year, we'd be dressin in trench coats tryin to f*** pigs all day." Baton Rouge, who holds a Bigs trophy and came up just short in the semis last year to eventual champ Richmond, was picked last in both the preseason polls and the draft analysis. Biscuit captain, Kevin Youkilis also weighed in to the preseason debate saying, "Well, I guess we oughta just give up then, huh?" Youkilis then projected a piece of chew from his lip that landed directly in ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian's eye. Before allowing him to leave for the hospital, Youkilis forced Kurjian to shave his head. "I like it when Timmy does it," remarked Youk before an unidentified Biscuit staffer abruptly ended the blatant display of masculine superiority.

In other news around the league, Otter Manager Whit Altizer has reportedly gone missing and was last seen doing cartwheels along the border between North and South Korea. Cartwheels and Peace llc. , or CAP, is a non-profit organization founded by Altizer's wife Lindsay, but Whit has increased he and the Otters participation in the organization in recent years. Otter catcher and Korean peninsula fan favorite, Kurt Suzuki speaking through an interpreter was quoted as saying, "Yeah, we haven't touched a baseball all season, bunch of calisthenics, mostly cartwheels. Also, I'm not Korean. I was born in Hawaii. I speak English, I don't need this interpreter."

The photo seen here is the last known of Altizer, and shows him giving a group of Korean reporters a presentation on a myriad of topics including baseball, CAP, and the best way to avoid a cock-block from Habenero manager Justin Brittle, rumored to be the best cock-blocker in all the land with little to no effort. The entire Korean peninsula is holding their breath and incoming news will be posted soon.

WINNERS AND LOOOSERS

Lou Brown

ClevelandAP

There are winners and losers in every at bat, there are winners to every game and a loser... and if you follow this thought out, you'll know that there were some winners at the 2010 Draft and some distinct losers.

Winner: Max Bergman and the Whales. He came into the draft with some real questions about his ballclub. He left with nothing but fucking answers. Beltran in the 15th round and 169th overall? Every other manager should be firing their draft staff. This should be a model for which every other manager seeks. Look at the concentration.

Loser: The Short Pump Sativas. The upstart manager Tom Whitt missed the mandatory training and ended up drafting rookies all day. He woke up in bed with Tommy John in Topeka Kansas with a hangover. Worst Draft Pick: Strasburg in the 10th. He should live up to the hype in July and August, get shut down in September...Horrible place to draft a two month addition. "Thats like putting a outdoor pool at your house in Fairbanks Alaska, expensive and worthless." said one anonymous source from the Otters. He piled the rookies onto a no playtime sandwich of torn ligament Chapman and the .250 Heyward blues.

Winner: Pats and Todd Smith. Smith managed to work beneath the pavement and draft a crafty team. No idea what beneath the payment means.

Loser: Boosehounds and Andy Harrison. Harrison may of drafted a hell of a starting rotation but he managed one slip up...DAN UGGLA. He will lose the batting average war all season long, with one exception: The Biscuits.

Winner: Biscuits and Joey Abel. Abel managed to start an all out war with South Korea and the Otters by drafting Choo.

Loser: Biscuits and Joey Abel. Abel managed not to draft anyone else of importance...One knows that he still harbors feelings for Konerko...just look at his draft, Swisher, Pena and jesus who the fuck else. Enjoy this ragtime bunch. He should be out of the playoff race by April.

Loser: Otters and Whit Altizer. Altizer was giving the keys to the city of Gwanju for one reason. To Draft Choo. He didn't and The mayor of Gwanju took the keys away. Expect Altizer to overpay for Choo with in the month.

Winner: Habeneros and Justin Brittle. Brittle saw the value in Kazmir where many didn't..It's the Ks. Alex, I'll select Kazmir in round 19 (223 pick) for 200 Ks please? Who is a big fat Winner. How did Justin celebrate..by drafting a 20/20 guy in round 20. That is a lot of 20s...say hello to regret by the other 11 owners...

Loser: The Really Stevens and Allen Lawrence. Is this guy for real...I'd be shocked if he actually knows anything about baseball, I truly believe he inherited this ball team from his two Dads. Thats right, they were probably gay and didn't know anything about baseball either. He used his first four picks on Redsox....we should of penalized him the next 15.

Winner: The Blue Jays and Tony Gallant. By avoiding the draft and allowing the auto draft to select his team he managed to draft an average team.

Loser: The Really Stevens and Allen Lawrence. Terrible draft, just terrible.

Push: The Rousers, The Toes, The Meerkats- They managed to have a successful draft without too many slip ups. Look for them to do well this year.

Commish celebrates successful draft, 33rd birthday

Billy Grant

The BIGS Insider

Grundy, VA--In what might go down as the "most congenial" draft in Bigs history, the draft of 2010 was still full of twists, turns, missed opportunities and firsts. "I couldn't even ruffle Kirby's feathers," instigator and Executive Vice President of the Bigs Baseball Operations Andy Harrison lamented, "he was a stonewall to my lobs of abuse, well, either that or he was in charge of Meerkats, Whales and the Toes drafts."

The biggest tussle came when Biscuits manager Joey Abel drafted Choo Shin Soo, a player that many believed to be heading to the Kia Otters and a move that angered Otters manager Whit Altizer and his Korean fan base. Today Abel is being slammed by Korean papers who are referring to him as "악취 물고기" or "stink fish." Abel is also being blamed for the anti-American protests going on in major cities around the country. "On the ground in Korea, Mr. Abel has put a bullet in the knee of America-Korea diplomatic relations by taking Choo," said Korean analyst Joon Sun Il, "it seemed premediated and cruel."

Biscuits manger Joey Abel has set off anti-American sentiment in the streets of Korea.

But in a league with managers traditionally known for their unpleasantries toward each other the talk was remarkably positive. Many Bigs analysts have linked this cordial behavior to the absence of an intoxicated JP Vinson and an antagonistic Brian Whitaker of the folded Greenville Gaywads. "It's kind of sad," Bigs writer Dwayne Wayne said yesterday, "it's like when your drunk uncle doesn't show up to Thanksgiving dinner to put your pretentious aunt in her place."

Many baseball publications are also reporting that the reclusive manager of the Whales Max Bergmann was present for his team's draft. "I was sitting right next to him," Commissioner Sam Kirby said to the Big's Insider, he was very involved in who was picked up resulting in one hell of a team." Strangly, Kirby, who has been accused of being the real manager of the Whales, was the only one to see or hear anything out of Bergmann. Officials are still looking into the legitamacy of Kirby's claims.

Buster Posey, a Meerkat for a minute.

New manager Tom Whitt also raised some eyebrows when drafting a team of rookies that are still only putting up numbers in the minor leagues. "C'mon, I want to see how they do," Whitt said cavalierly, "this ain't no money league." Portland Pats owner Todd Smith was unappreciative of Whitt's take on the Bigs. "Clearly Mr. Whitt doesn't know about the Bigs Trophy and I don't plan on letting him have it so easily."

Overall, the league is pleased with the draft and its positive tone. Today all managers are heading to Washington DC to celebrate the opening of the 2010 season and to celebrate Commish Kirby's 33rd birthday. "Wings, a chick jumping out of a cake, Jason Mraz....it's going to be sweet," Hanover Habernero's manager Justin Brittle said of the party, "I plan on getting college frat boy drunk."

Draft Lottery!

Grundy, VA
Lottery Inc.
Tom Seaver

The site of the 2010 Bigs Lottery was anything but upbeat. Many of the managers had a long off-season of second guessing by the media and fans. Their teams performed poorly in 2010 and like their performance the sky in Grundy was aptly grey. Roanoke Steven's own Allen Lawrence ominously predicting doom for the Stevens. "I don't have a good feeling about this lottery, my team played like ass for a reason and that was the first pick in the 2010 BIGs Draft." He walked a little further and turned while looking down and simply said "Anybody but the damn Whales, I hate Max Bergmann." Lawrence's view of the ground showed what he really saw and it was dirtier than JP Vinson's grandmother's mouth after the 2001 Bike-Week in Mrytle Beach. New Owner Tony Gallant had a fresh step and suggested "I'm just hoping the lottery lines up with my penchant for drafting Canadians." It most likely will.

The Kia Otters sent Harry Jazzercise as a "official" Otters Representative who after the draft said "I'm happy to represent the Otters and Mr. Altizer. I'm hoping to work more closely with him in the future."

Mike Richards, Owner of the Roanoke Toes was happy with the lottery. "It just so happens this was really important for the future of the Toes, we have a strategy this year and we need the second spot to succeed. Expect big things this year." One thing is for certain the dark clouds over Grundy did not provide a silver lining for the Really Stevens. Below is the draft order for 2010. Enjoy!

Draft Order
Whales
Toes
Stevens
Otters
Sativa
Bluejays
Habaneros
Meerkats
Rousers
Biscuits
Pats
Boozehounds

THE BIGS 2010 FINAL KEEPER LIST

Rousers Land a New Home, Vinson Sobers Up

Billy Grant, The BIGS Insider

Nashville, TN- The famously boorish BIGS manager JP Vinson and his ever transient ballclub the Rousers have moved once again to another quintessential southern town, Nashville, Tennessee. Vinson has burned many bridges in his wake with his foul mouth and unusually cruel managing style in Memphis, Oxford, Columbia and now looks to settle down and perhaps clean up his act in the state capital best known for country music. "So far so good," Nashville city manager John Buckner said this week, "he has only managed one indecent exposure arrest in 6 months."

Vinson in a rare calm, sober moment

It isn't Vinson's wreckless attitude before and after games that have kept him at the helm for so long, but his ability to construct a solid team and get them to win. After a disappointing loss to the Biscuits in 2007 (where Vinson famously referred to Biscuits manager Joey Abel as a "sorry dick-wad" and invited the newly crowned Commish Sam Kirby to "bite me") Vinson went on a downward slope that only stopped when he finished in 9th place in 2008. "That was quite an ugly post-Series press conference," then-Commish Whit Altizer recalled "if I recollect correctly security had to taze Mr. Vinson."

But Vinson buckled down and got his Rousers rolling again finishing 4th in 2009. This year the Rousers will return the bats of David Wright and Justin Upton while fielding a bullpen with ace Dan Haren. "We're excited about this season," Upton said after practice this week, "Coach has promised the cattle prod didn't make the trip from Columbia to Nashville."

All Vinson is brown bagging these days is hopes for a BIGS championship

The future looks bright for the Rousers this season with a sober and happy Vinson at the helm. "I've found Jesus," Vinson announced at a press-conference this season, "and he told me to take these sons-a-bitches all the way to the BIGS championship in 2010!"

Cats Spring Training Woes: Is the S.S. Martinsville Sinking?

Baton Rouge - AP

Ippy Nash - Freelance Journalist

Responding to reports that two alley cats were mating or fighting, depending on which of the complaints you go by, police found Sam Kirby attempting to break in to a local D.C. area cathedral last night. The noise turned out to be coming from Kirby as he was found by police huddled in the fetal position outside the church's front door sucking a bloody thumb at 3am Friday morning. Kirby was initially unresponsive and for the first hour after he was apprehended, the only words authorities could make out of what one policeman called "jibba-jabba," were "Matty," and "Pooh-Bear." Believed to be references to Mertcat stars Matt Holliday and Albert Pujols, Kirby may be reacting to the recent news that both Cat sluggers have missed spring training games due to ambiguous rib and back injuries.

The official D.C. police report alleges Kirby tried to claw his way through the cathedral door using only his fingernails. Once Kirby calmed down, or came down, as one officer described it, he admitted trying to enter the cathedral in a pitiful attempt to illicit a higher power so that his entire season is not a complete failure. Since no actual crime was committed, Kirby was released with a disturbing the peace citation and ordered to serve an undisclosed amount of community service hours.

Kirby declined comment on the issue but a maercat spokesman released the following statement on the Martinsville website, "Mr. Kirby would first like to apologize to his smokin hot wife and sister, along with the rest of his family, who are all better looking than him. Secondly, he would offer apologies to Washington National Cathedral and to all the residents of the metro D.C. area."

That apology may be enough to quell the chatter for a while, but the bigger question remains. Will the Cat superstars be ready for opening day, or will these injuries plague the club all year and sink the meancats to the bottom of the Bigs?

The left coast is the right coast.

What's the first thing you ask yourself when you think of the Pats? Probably, "Who the fuck is Pat?" A fair response, the Pat’s manager, Todd Smith admits, acknowledging he lacks the years of childhood history (and apparent repressed homosexuality) that many of The Big’s managers share together. Now in is third year as manager of the Portland Pats (formerly “They Call Me Pat”), Smith can no longer be considered a rookie, although he admits he struggles to understand most of the smack thrown around the league. “These guys aren’t normal. They take smack to a whole new level. They belong on the that Arianna Huffingchick show, not on yahoo sports.” Smith explains. Even though he struggles to navigate the inside jokes, Smith says he feels and home in the league, and plans to expend large portions of the working day blogging about “shit my wife thinks is stupid”.

Originally invited to join The Bigs by commissioner Sam-can’t-manage-a-pitching-staff-to-save-my-ass-Kirby, Smith knew none of the other managers. “Well, I guess I kinda knew the Whales manager, “Fake Sam”, Smith contends, “but that hardly counts.” Opportunity arose, however; in the the late summer of 2009 when the Smith clan was invited to Virginia to attend the fire-headed commissioner’s wedding. “I don’t know how the hell he got her to say yes,” Smith adds. “You should see this goofy look’n guy. He’s punching way above his weight class.” While in attendance, Smith was finally introduced to several of his fellow mangers, including the USA-hating Kia Otter’s, Coach Altizer. “He may not be able to set a lineup worth shit” exclaimed the fowl-mouthed Pat’s manger, “but, damn, he gives a fine toast.” The brief connections formed at this unlikely nuptial will hopefully provide Smith with a new found understanding of his fantasy baseball league.

When asked what his goals are for the upcoming season, I expected he might suggest that he looked forward to winning another championship (ala 2008 - his unexpected rookie success), or dominating the regular season (2009), but he simply had this to say: “I just want to talk me some shit. This is after all – THE BIGS.”

The Bigs head North

Former Bigs Commissioner Whit Altizer and Current Bigs Commissioner Sam Kirby spent much of the off season looking to expand the reach of the Bigs in 2010. "We really had to bury the hatchet on a lot of issues," Altizer said this week, "we have a long, rocky history that goes far beyond what was said to the press two years ago when Mr. Kirby took over."


That history includes extortion, adultery, collusion and accusations of cheating. Not to mention the infamous Carpenter-Alou trade between the Otters and the Meerkats. "Altizer said a lot of hurtful things," Kirby said in an New York Times interview, "but I will forgive him for the good of the league." Their renewed partnership looks to have benefitted the Bigs in 2010.

This February Altizer and Kirby headed north of the border to scout out a Canadian team that would extend the audience of the Bigs. They found on one of their scouting trips the perennial AAA powerhouse the Northside Blue Jays out of Fredricton, New Brunswick led by the baseball sage Tony Gallant.

Kirby and Altizer with Gallant after the contract negotiation

After many contractual issues and labor disputes the three finally negotiated the deal at a local Tim Horton's restaurant. "Tim Horton's holds a very special place in the hearts of Canadians," Peter Gammons noted, "I think picking this venue was more about symbolism than convenience. As if to say we respect the Blue Jays AND Canadian culture in the Bigs."

Mr. Gallant, for his part, seems happy to be a part of the storied league. "This is truly a pleasure to be a part of the Bigs," Gallant said to Baseball weekly, "though I am not sure of a league led by Sam Kirby."

Mr. Gallant has plenty of experience with baseball but how he will fare in the Bigs is largely uncertain. "The BJ's are good in Canada," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said, "but how does that translate to the Bigs?"

Abel, Biscuits Hopeful for 2010

It's that time of year again, the smell of freshly cut grass, blooming flowers, and the bright sun shining off of Sam Kirby's unfortunately red hair. Spring training has arrived and the Biscuits, says manager Joey Abel, are as excited as any team to get this season underway. "We used this offseason to ask some serious questions about this club, and we're confident that the future looks bright." When asked about 3rd place in '09, Abel responded, "It was kinda like sleeping with Sam's mom...It's not his sister, but you're drunk and it gets the job done at the moment. It sure hurts to barely lose to the Hounds, only to see Pat roll over and see the team you should have beat, get the easiest win in Bigs history."

Only two years after joining the Bigs in 2005, the Biscuits took home the championship and after barely missing the playoffs in '08, a strong showing last year has the Baton Rouge faithful hungry for another big year.

The biggest offseason news included the deterioration of the relationship between Abel and Otters manager, Whitney Altizer. When asked about his one time friendly rival, Abel gave a scathing reply, "Just tell Altizer to keep my name out of his mouth...and I'll keep my mouth off of his...wait, that didn't come out right..." Abel quickly changed the subject to Bigs commish and Mercats manager Sam Kirby saying, "This league would be in better hands if a drunk Gorilla was at the helm...or maybe an Orangutan since they are supposed to be the smartest of the great apes."

Abel was referring to the fact that the Bigs lost two of its stalwart teams this offseason in the Columbia Power Rods and the Cream. Neither team enjoyed much success in September, but pulling the franchises out of the league all together could be signaling a deeper problem in the Bigs. Either way, the Biscuits, along with everyone in Baton Rouge, are looking forward to a great draft and a great 2010.

Rookie Draft

Sam Kirby
Commissioner
Martinsville, VA

The rookie draft will happen Thursday March 11th. We have five teams that will participate. They include: Kia Otters, Nashville Rebel Rousers, East Richmond Bulldogs, Roanoke Toes and the Northside Blue Jays.


Rookies ineligible for draft (bylaw 51.A-Rookies on the end of the year roster of any fantasy team are ineligible for the rookie draft; bylaw 50-C-Eligible rookies must be on the end of the year roster of a MLB team, ie Strasburg, Heyward are ineligible) are listed in the chart below.

A sample of eligible rookies for the draft are listed below. Feel free to do your own research.

Signing Day!

Sam Kirby
Commissioner


Greetings Owners,
We have two expansion teams joining the BIGs this year. Please give a warm BIGs hello to the East Richmond Bulldogs and the Northside Blue Jays. We will have the 2010 expansion draft later this week. At that time my staff will update this chart.

Oxford Weeps, Altizer compared to O'Malley

Oxford, MS- Not since James Meredith enrolled at the University of Mississippi has Oxford seen utter chaos in its streets. The move made by the Otters management out of Oxford have left many disenchanted fans in their wake. Some have even gone as far to compare Otters owner Whit Altizer to Walter O'Malley the man who infamously moved the Dodgers from Brooklyn to Los Angeles. "What a jerk," ILovetheOtters tweeted this afternoon, "off."

Altizer joined in a partnership with the Korean car company, Kia, late last season and the company persuaded him to move the team to Korea. It is said that bribery and extortion were both used against Altizer, but the Otters skipper denies such accusations. "We moved for all of the right reasons," Altizer said at a press conference last week, "Kia and Korea presented us with an offer we couldn't refuse."

The Otters have slipped the last two seasons dropping to the bottom half of the league after strong and consistent 3rd place finishes in 2004, 2005 and 2007. The organization is hoping that the energy among Korean fans and their overuse of thundersticks will pep this veteran team up.

"We'll see what happens," Biscuits manager Joey Abel said, "Methinks Altizer is up to no good."

MEERKATS ANNOUNCE KEEPERS

Dwayne Wayne
The BIGs Insider
March 8, 2010

The Meerkats took the first step towards a championship with the announcement of their keepers. Owner and manager Sam Kirby had some tough choices but in the end he offered perennial Meerkat Albert Pujols a two year deal. Matt Holliday a one year deal and Matt Kemp a four year deal. It wasn't all rainbows as Meerkats said a tearful goodbye Dustin Pedoria and Carlos Lee. Kirby also signed rookie Gordon Beckham out of their farm system in Meadows of Dan, VA.